Consent

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This is strange, because at 30 I have a long list of past sexual "partners". I never really broke up with anyone, and Ive been lied to a lot and used by sluts who blamed me for their malice.

Quite frankly I want diagnosed due to family abuse, and I am a highly intelligent person in terms of prodigious God-given gifts, and it certainly complicated things.

I am looking back at a decade of misery and I am beginning to think I never consented to anything—seriously. I never felt like my "relationships" were what they appeared. I believed in marriage without a contract.

I have been severely suicidal over things, manipulated, pushed around, controlled, and I'm really beginning to realize that I literally was unable to consent. This is not something i ever expected, but I really truly believe it after some very deep uncovering.

This post is quite vague in terms of what has actually happened to you that you don't believe you consented to, so it's kinda hard to respond with anything of substance.

I can't imagine a situation wherein you wouldn't realise that you hadn't consented until you reflected upon the experience, other than if your sobriety had been compromised at the time or you didn't understand what was happening (e.g you didn't understand what sex was and a figure of authority manipulated you into thinking that performing sexual actions on/with them is something that you're supposed to do). Maybe there are other situations in which this can happen, but I can't think of any.

How is it that you aren't sure whether you consented or not?

You act smarter than you are wise. There is a big difference between desire and goodness, and a big difference between consent and assent. I assented because I wanted to be married, but none of the people I was with were ever really even on the same wavelength. They dated, broke up, dated, broke up. They didn't believe in monogamy though they claimed to.

The majority of people seem to understand this quite well and do not care. They don't care about dating and breaking up. They understand people can be liars and do not care about romance and commitment.

I definitely found it hard to say no to people and believed things to be love, then felt guilty to leave.

The fact of the matter is that children cannot legally consent until they are adults, and quite frankly I believe that autistic people can assent but usually don't know what they're consenting to because there's all these random bs rules and ideas that takes them a lot longer to process. Not that we're slow, but that we compute things differently and more deeply.

Legally mentally disabled people cannot consent. They can assent but not consent.

I really believe autistic people take a lot longer to learn what consent is, what sex means, what intimacy and emotions mean, what people's agendas and hidden intentions mean, what the culture means and says versus what is good internally, what the law means, etc.

I found myself rushing into things because people wanted me to and I had desires but I didn't comprehend the significance and worth. Instead I got caught in a wheel of exploiters.

At varying points I was even demeaned for saying I think I have autism rather than respected and treated with support to build a better life.

I didn't consent to any of this, and I didn't consent to people who can sleep with someone and breakup. They would pretend to be people who feel love and suffered from unfair treatment but I found I just fell for a lot of bs and took the blame and let people push and blend my boundaries when later it is clear they didn't value them.

NTs learn pretty quick not to let this happen. I let it happen over, and over, and trusted and had faith and believed. I had to read books upon books of information, study people, religion, seek counseling from friends for years and years to get even the slightest idea that literally i wasn't a piece of garbage and they couldn't understand or help me either they blamed me.

I finally learned after almost suicide that literally i just didn't understand.

I wasn't able to consent, and it wasn't my fault. I'm not stupid or to be blamed for being ignorant. I just loved and trusted purely every time and believed people were good.

I did not know the world had evil.

You can't force people to not break up with you if that persons not right for you it is worse to stay and be unhappy.

Just to clarify are we talking consent in sex, the relationship itself, consent to your life?

I think when autistic people are taught what consent means they can understand that no one has permission to touch your body.

Bullies taught me they don't need my permission to touch (basically, hit; they didn't find me sexually attractive) my body or to grab my stuff. With same-sex peers, it's your responsibility to enforce your boundaries, and you have to be strong enough and good enough at fighting for that. If you're not, your presumed rights are meaningless and everyone can freely trample them while laughing at you.

I was not strong enough to fight for my boundaries, and I definitely began getting walked over and used. People would just want to cuddle, make out, have sex. I felt like I was raised by Hollywood growing up because my family was basically nonexistent.

It is difficult to explain but I don't think i ever knew what I was doing or was able to say no. I felt like I had to just do things to make friends and be normal and get things over with, and let people touch me, and so on.

That isn't consent. Not really. And I don't understand why I felt I had no boundaries and couldn't say no in my life. I became this weird person who flirted a lot for attention and hid to avoid be exploited, but I was not able to set boundaries. I was taught by television and an abusive background I have none, and then by the seducers when I became an adult the same thing.

But I wasn't diagnosed because my family abused me and I couldn't get a job, so I felt I needed to be married to get stable.

Looking back I am certain I needed social security it is not a question, but I had to allow the world to do what they wanted to me to survive. That wasn't consent. I was just forcing myself to try and be normal and survive, getting used and exploited and ridiculed left and right but I didn't understand what was happening and I was just afraid of ending up on the street and homeless, cold, forgotten.

What you've gone through is something called "life."

I've been through similar things, though without the suicidal thoughts (most of the time).

You legally consented--but, I guess it's possible that you "went along for the ride" without knowing what you were getting into. Perhaps people took advantage of you because of your naivete. Hence, you feel like you didn't "consent" in a sense. I've been through all this. I get what you'r feeling.

But....now I believe that you have learned stuff in life. And I believe it's time to move on, and to learn from all which you've experienced. Perhaps even write about it in a novel or something.

But, to me, being bitter about what you've experienced is useless, and will get you nowhere.

I am trying to gain some understanding to heal & better counsel others, as well as fight for the rights of others with better judgment. There is a very weak sense of surrender in your words, where you insinuate that I am a bitter victim and need to just suck up that "life isn't fair".

Quite frankly I think that's weak. There is a way to take back your power, rewrite your thoughts & perspectives, and make the world a better place without lying down and being a victim for the rest of your life.

Tell people to "move on" after they've been through a series of violations is utterly selfish. You're essentially saying that what is relevant to my learning & empowerment at this time is obsessive & useless. Really, you need to speak for yourself and not others in this way.

I have a lot to uncover, and I do believe people who have been through hell need to band together to awaken the planet and make it a better place—not just "move on" and "go silently write yourself a book".


I was writing some back thoughts earlier today to gain perspective on my circumstance & feelings ... I will post them:

I was taught that I had to be normal or I wouldn’t be valued & loved.
I was taught that I am not normal, but not because of anything positive, but because I am inherently inferior, ugly, weak, lazy, selfish, clumsy, and stupid.

The idea of being diagnosed for autism came to me in my 20s when after a decade of independent studying of counseling & psychology, I came to follow my intuition. I discovered that I had all the signs & symptoms of people on the spectrum.

Telling people about it would not be something I could simply vocalize, not this late in my life—so I kept it a secret.
I couldn’t get diagnosed because by this time I was already taught that I am lazy, and I was forcing myself to try to work and survive thou inside I was tired and afraid every single minute stuck in survival mode, not wanting to work. I didn’t want to work because my mind was active on prodigious things that were not normal to society.
When I was 12 I built multiplayer online games that created a million dollar empire but they were stolen by two grown men in Paris.

So, even though I had become a millionaire it was not under my control, people did not accredit me for this and I was forced to be a peasant with autism undiagnosed being abused and ignored and forced to worry about his future, including each moment and each day.

My family does not love me. I didn’t have friends. Thieves were (and still are) living my beautiful life somewhere across the globe.

I didn’t have the money to fight the two thieves to take back the virtual community & kingdom I created. No, they called it “just a game” and made it a casino to live my beautiful life while I got kicked & punched and called a fa***t lowlife lazy ignorant arrogant loser, surrounded in a countryside town overflowing with drug addicts & perverts.

I couldn’t ask my mom to help me. I couldn’t ask anyone to help me. I didn’t know about social security, and being a “handsome white man” (with literally one of the worst forms of crippling body-dysmorphia that led me to nearly suicide several times, so I couldn’t even use that to my advantage, only my disadvantage) on the surface who is well-spoken, no one could understand the struggle—and they wouldn’t be interested in me saying, “I can’t work” or “I need supported” and “I am a slave”. They didn’t want to hear that I had pain and was oppressed.

I couldn’t vocalize or understand it. I was brainwashed by my abusive family into thinking I was just a big p**** with a high-level of arrogant self-esteem (the opposite is true) so they could scapegoat me. I was brainwashed by the men in Paris into believing I made nothing, I did nothing, I was selfish to think I was worth anything, that everything I made belonged to them and “their business ideas” of marketing my life.

I couldn’t vocalize how I was led to understand that at any minute my family would stop talking to me. That my purpose in life was merely to wakeup make money and never have freedom over my own choices—and certainly not to believe in any way shape or form I had been robbed of opportunity or freedom, because indeed it was “me” who was the oppressor for no apparent reason.

I couldn’t afford to get diagnosed, and even moreso I didn’t see the point. I didn’t know about social security, or food stamps, or anything of the sort, and I was made to believe such people were lazy & useless and it would be disgusting of me to ask for help. I was forced to do everything on my own, without being allowed to know it or protest.

I didn’t have anyone I could talk to.

I thought I needed to get married to find stability & support. Instead, I ended up being seduced during “dating” by people wanting to kiss & touch me without ever loving me. I was raised to believe monogamy was God’s way, and I believed this is what people were. Instead I was fondled, used up, thrown away, told to f**k off, seduced into sex, lied to … None of these people wanted marriage. They wanted the drama of dating & the glory of intimacy without being real.

Really, I had no freedom. I was worried every single day of being alone & homeless. Due to my autism I already had difficulty saying not on top of a population of perverts, drug addicts, an abusive family, thieves stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of art to become millionaires & ruling over a community that rightfully belongs to me—stealing my podium & voice I spent 2 full years building full time on the computer self-teaching myself programming, design, writing, and marketing only so that they could take it over through the use of 1s and 0s, passwords & usernames, stolen trademarks & lies.

To make a choice, you must have freedom. I didn’t have freedom. I said yes a lot because I was led to believe I said no by these forceful liars that I would be abandoned, and I couldn’t afford to lose a love interest because the world wouldn’t listen to me. I was poor, and ready to fall under the wayside without any understanding. Indeed, I was led to believe it was my fault & my job to force myself to do what I couldn’t, and to just accept that my stability belonged to others, and I was just an ungrateful useless lazy wage-slave and that’s all I was good for & there would be no mercy or honor for the fact that I can write amazing poetry, stories, program apps & websites, design beautiful amazing prodigious art self-taught.

No, none of this was of value. The million dollar game I made meant nothing. I couldn’t claim to have had any part of it. I was slandered and someone else took the spoils.

I had no consent. I said yes because I believed others needed marriage as well.

I learned I had no idea what I was doing, and pretty much nobody has been through this level of torture & crisis, and the idea of sleeping with me because they needed to be married is untrue. They just wanted to have sex. They didn’t believe in monogamy, & they didn’t care about my needs & crisis. I was ridiculed for not being able to understand how they could leave someone.

I said “yes” and did what I did because I was desperate in unspeakable ways—not because I knew what was going on or was able to fight for my rights, was loved, secure, and planning for my future. You shouldn’t just be “having sex” because you’re desperate to marry to survive; that doesn’t even make sense.

I knew I was going to be attacked---oh well!

But it's still commendable that you want to do useful things based on your experiences, use your bitterness towards a productive end.

I'm not a complicated or particularly introspective person. I feel like people experience things, and learn from them, and move on. I don't believe in denial at all; I believe in using what you've experienced for a positive end.

But to let one's past experiences color one's future is counterproductive to me.

Maybe that's why I'm not a therapist.

What you would be doing could be quite useful for yourself or others.

Although I cannot help you with the stuggles in your life I do have a bit of advice. Use these experiences to better understand yourself and the people around you. Did these people truly realise that you did not understand. In these relationships did they truly love you or were they just using you?

As for the game if you still have evidence of its creation then you can actually still press charges for theft of illegal property. If hiring a lawyer is an issue there are some that may do it if they think you have a case and be paid part of the winnings.

It's a good opportunity to take back control. Use this realisation to take back your freedoms.

The way to "win back" your freedom, per Alliekit, is to learn from when you were in "bondage," so it doesn't happen again.

If you are able to use your experiences to help others, then I'm all for it, like I said.

I can understand you responding the way you responded. You're angry, and the realizations you had seemed like they were recent ones. I might have had the same reaction at one time.

No. The way to "win back your freedom" is not to go against therapy by literally "moving on" and refusing to reflect, deeper cognate the reality, and seek legal & social support to build up an infrastructure of awareness, wisdom, strength, justice, and healing.

There is a lot of people like you who promote a democratic notion that our rights are watery useless objects that get violated and we simply "better protect ourselves next time".

You don't care about me, or what I'm going through or been through. Listen to you. You don't care about fighting for what's right & overthrowing a culture of victim-blaming, dismissal, and violation. You don't care about balancing & evening ill-gotten gains. You just sit here pretending to be some beacon of liberty telling people "you aren't worth anything and everything you went through is just life so grow up and move on".

You are not a voice of justice.

Whatever......

Yea the last person I would ever consult for advice is someone who wouldn't even die for his brother. You wouldn't fight for me or speak out for me, so quit pretending to give me advice.

I'm confused is this directed at me also?

Not to you, I appreciate your encouragement, but right now I don't know how to begin to find a lawyer to take on such a big case and it feels like the sky is falling. Thank you anyway.