Be Realistic

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I know the whole 'improve yourself' thing sounds like a bit of a copout but sometimes it's necessary to focus on building yourself up before you worry about trying to find a partner. An unemployed/underemployed overweight adult who still lives at home is going to be fighting an uphill battle trying to find a partner. Even if you're lucky enough to find someone under those circumstances, chances are they're overlooking your faults because they have a plethora of their own, and few other dating options. Relationships bred of desperation/few other options don't tend to last long as far as I can tell.

You only get one partner (with monogamy anyway), so you're gonna wanna find the closest-matching to your standards and preferences as possible. Most people who are able to attain what they consider to be a more desirable partner than you will do so, so if you don't have much going for you (or lots working against you) like the example I mentioned above, people will toss you aside straight away. And why wouldn't they? If you were capable of getting with beauty pageant models, you probably wouldn't look twice at the average-looking waitress at Starbucks. Similarly, if you're an average-looking guy, the waitress at Starbucks might catch your attention, but you're probably not going to include morbidly obese women in your dating pool.

My overarching point is there are certain traits that are widely considered attractive, and certain others that are widely considered unattractive. If you have many more unattractive traits than attractive traits, your dating pool will suffer immensely for it. And if you're in this position and your standards aren't low, you're better off working on attaining attractive traits and shirking unattractive traits than you are searching for a partner at this stage, as far as I'm concerned. This applies tenfold if you're unhappy with where you are in life.

Pretty sure noone here is trying to get super models.

This is said in every second thread already.

But I do, hence why I am trying to get you.

You obviously missed the point. You don't have to be a supermodel to be turning down people who don't really have anything going for them.

Exactly, an average looking girl can still be very demanding.

Not really the point I was trying to make either. If we were to say that attractive traits are green ticks and unattractive traits are red crosses, I'd venture a guess that the majority who are struggling to even get a date have many more red crosses than green ticks against their name.

When I talk about traits, I don't just mean physically. I'm talking about anything that would attract you to or repel you from a potential partner.

I get what you mean, this is something i always said: while humans are individuals, they have a lot in common after all, some traits are seen unattractive by the vast majority of the opposite sex or same sex (ie. unemployment in men, depression...etc).

Now there's a type of posts that I really hate is when someone try to refute this fact by reciting exceptions: "Oh, but I knew this unemployed man, and still he got a very nice girlfriend".
I despise such posts because 1) we can't be sure if it's just a story 2) we don't know the whole story nor we know his green ticks. 3) Exceptions don't rule make the rules. 4) I bet those who recite these exceptions wouldn't do what they preach for.


So self improving should be decreasing the red ticks and increasing the green ticks - easier said that done.

I don’t see the point of this thread. It’s repeated by about 10 members in every misogynistic rant here, so about 60% of the threads. You’re flogging a dead horse. The people who probably need to read this won’t or are too deluded to think they have a problem. Ranting at them won’t help.

The people who complain most here will literally date any female human so this isn’t the problem. They already know they appear unattractive in whatever forms. They don’t need you to tell them.

Well judging by your first comment, you really don't have a clue what I'm actually saying here. I only mentioned supermodels to make the point that if you've got enough going for you that you can get with one whenever you want, 5/10s probably aren't going to appeal to you much. Not everyone can get with supermodels, nor should they aspire to, but if it's easy for you to get with the kind of people you're attracted to, why would you settle for less?

Are you insinuating that my 'rant' is misogynistic? What, it's sexist to talk about people's looks now, is it? I don't have a clue where else you'd get misogyny from in this thread.

I've never seen anyone here say that they would date literally 'any female human', and that's not the impression I get from their posts either. Not having options is going to make you less picky, just as having more options allows you to be more picky, but even so I very much doubt even the most forever-alone of forever-aloners here is operating with such loose standards that they'd date literally any female who gave them the time of day.

I don't doubt that most who haven't been able to date are able to recognise where they stand as it relates to the dating world. What I don't understand is why they would keep trying to market a product that's not selling itself, instead of tweaking the product until it finds its market.

As you might be aware, my situation isn't too far removed from that of the guys we're talking about. The difference is I acknowledge that putting myself out there in any capacity isn't likely to get me the results I want at this stage. I see the red crosses next to my name, and I acknowledge that I've got to turn a few of them into green ticks before I have any right to expect the results I want. I'm just trying to get others in a similar position to understand that what they have to offer might simply not be enough at this stage. A caring personality generally doesn't compensate for significant shortcomings in appearance, employment and living situation.

I'm not saying people need to be perfect, or get rid of all of their 'red crosses', but you can only really ask for the equivalent of what you can offer. If you can't offer much, you can't get much.

This post seems a bit like stating the obvious.....

Agreed, but I also think that this forum, especially this part of the forum, needs a thread like this. People are allowed to have standards and if you don't meet someone's standards then it's your problem. Not his/hers/theirs, yours. Don't complain and rant about how others should change for you since that won't do anything, but think about how you can change. If you don't want to change then accept the fact that it's very likely for those people to never see you differently.

...That's the point here, right? I got it at least somewhat right, didn't I? Asking the one who started this of course.

If it's so obvious, why do so many guys here seem to continually try to get a relationship instead of examining their situation and coming to the same conclusion that I did? That being it's not even worth trying if your red crosses significantly outnumber your green ticks.

That's pretty much it. If you don't like the lack of attention you're receiving from your gender of choice, or if you want to be with someone who is 'out of your league' (for lack of a better term), the onus is on you to step your game up. If that's not something you're prepared to do, you don't really have the right to expect anything to change.

Hmm perfect post, and no there’s no misogyny in your main post.

Misogyny accusations thing is so trendy lately that they imagine it everywhere.

Yes, but some guys here are like, "Women should love me because I exist."

Relationships are based on what you can bring to the table. For some, it's confidence, for others, it's a sense of humor, and so-on and so-forth. If you can't engage other people and be interesting, you're up the creek without a paddle.

If you have nothing going on in your life, don't expect a long line of people interested in you.

There are many people with many “red crosses” who do well with getting partners.

Obviously, any person should seek to improve one’s self.

But....I wouldn’t preclude myself from obtaining a relationship by virtue of the fact that I’m “nerdy” or I’m overweight. There are other aspects of people that people like. It’s good to always be clean, though.