Will I have to become what I hate?

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I often feel at this point in my life (29, going on 30) that I will have to become what I hate if I want to have a relationship. The men in the culture I live in who have relationships drink until they pass out, smoke until they smell like cigarettes, drive dangerously fast, say reading books as well as non-FPS video games are for "fa***ts", blast loud pop country or rap music, and physically harass women. These are also the same guys who called me "fa***t" as well as punched me up in school. Even the women in the culture I live in have told me they hate "nice guys" and that the bullies were just "toughening you (me) up". I don't want to be fake but I hate how being authentic hasn't payed off for me.

That would be an absolutely stupid move. They'll see right through the fakery. It'll make you even more a target for bullies.

I've tried that---and it made the intensity of my bully-victimhood much worse.

It would also mean that you believe some of the crap they're feeding you.

Let me just put it this way:

If you become a "fake" for a relationship... the relationship isnt real either.

Also, to be honest? If those ridiculous qualities you list are what would make someone fall for you? They're NOT someone you really want as a partner... because that's hideously shallow and petty stuff. And kinda nasty.

Dont obsess over the whole relationship thing. Trust me, people can spot that one, and from what I've seen it's more than a bit of a turnoff to many (to put it mildly). Just meet people. Make friends. And NOT while being "fake" (no, seriously, that's just about the dumbest thing you could do). Eventually, you might find that something real happens.

If what you are saying is universally true for your area you must be living in an absurdly uniform area. You can't be the only person who does not fit in.

Kraftie is very right. You'd most likely not be able to pull it off in a believable way.

Except for easier access to sex, is there even any point in being in a relationship with someone who is attracted to you because she thinks you are like one of your bullies?

Trying to change yourself or your life in some way if you are not happy isn't a bad idea, but what you consider here is extreme. Changing yourself into someone you hate doesn't seem like a good idea.

Don't. I can guarantee you it'll pay off even less.

I have a hard time not focusing on it because I see couples wherever I go and it makes me hate myself because I can't do the same. I've also read and heard stories from other guys who mentioned meeting girls at certain places after being unlucky with mainstream places but even if I go to places like coffee houses, arcades, anime or comic conventions, and music clubs, girls still avoid me. I hope I'll have a story that has a happy ending after struggling for so long but as the years go on, I feel like my life is going to get a Lovecraftian end where I either go completely insane or die in a terrible event.

It’s very difficult to become what you’re not. I’d have more luck winning lotto than becoming a socialite. You’ll just make yourself more anxious and depressed swimming up a river to try and be something else.

Better to use that energy to try and accept yourself.

Meet as many geeky people as you can. Make friends, go out for dinners, go to events.

Example. I went alone to a legend of Zelda symphony recently. Mostly it was geeky couples, but it’s the perfect place to chat to strangers. I spoke to random men and women outside about a common passion. They’re my people, I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. Find your people. If you don’t know many, find more. You can do it.

"My country lay within a vast desert. When the sun rose into the sky, a burning wind punished my lands, searing the world. And when the moon climbed into the dark of night, a frigid gale pierced our homes. No matter when it came, the wind carried the same thing... Death. But the winds that blew across the green fields of Hyrule brought something other than suffering and ruin. I coveted that wind, I suppose."


I am gonna destroy your people, hale_bopp, you pathetic Hylians.

Most relationships are fake. People faking to get what they want be it money/status or sex.

So I’d gladly be in a fake relationship.

Many Aspies cannot master the art of lying. The lack of proper body language throws up a huge red flag. But, who knows, you may be one of the few exceptions.

It’s always about sex.

Relationships happen when both partners get what they want from the other.

It doesn’t HAVE to be fake. I think a few couples are lucky enough to find that magical symbiosis that never appears faked in the least.

For others, and possibly for the majority of couples, it’s about the willingness become vested in the interests of the other. Whether that’s fake or not depends on how you look at it. My opinion is I’ll BECOME as interested as I have to be if I want a woman in my life bad enough. You can say that I’m fake, but I’d say I’m genuinely interested in HER. If I get what I want, which is HER, and she gets what she wants from me, is it really such a bad thing?

All up for debate, of course. But I wouldn’t waste my life worrying about it being fake. We ALL do this to varying degrees. We are all just after sex and what sex represents, or at least the closest thing we can get to it.

Is it YOU what she wants though?

WP is quite encouraging to stay single.

I was thinking the same thing. As if life isn’t hard enough already without all that extra drama.

First of all, a question: *why* do you want a relationship? What is your personal reason for this? I think analyzing this is important. Just something to think about.

Secondly, and I've said this once before in one of your other topics, is, well.... you know what, I'll pull a specific bit out of that quote there to help explain this:



This bit here. Your attitude. If you ever want to get anywhere, this has to change. I promise you this: Other people can see this in you. You perhaps (and probably many of us) cannot see it in others, but a great many of THEM can see it in YOU. To most people, that "woe is me" attitude is not seen as a good thing, and is often thusly avoided.

But also, the more you believe you will fail, the more you WILL fail. Alot of things work that way, and this is no exception.

Now, as for the bit about the various places you're going to, in order to meet girls.... keep in mind, these places you mention are typically not ABOUT meeting people for relationships. Conventions, for instance. Nobody goes to those specifically to look for romance. They just dont. They might go there with the hope of meeting new friends (while others are already there WITH their friends and arent that interested in meeting more), but they dont go there looking for romance... and are actually dramatically more likely to AVOID those that seem to be looking for that. Which is something you can actually hear, if you listen to people tell their tales of various things they've experienced at cons. Girls in particular will OFTEN talk about how some guy was hitting on them despite that they werent exactly at a con for that reason. It can happen to guys, too (have had it occur, yes it was bloody annoying).

It's the same with any other type of place: For the most part, the places in question are not ABOUT finding romance. A coffee house, for instance. Many people go to those, indeed, to get coffee... not to find someone. Again, meeting new friends *may* be part of the equation every now and then, but even that isnt something that you can just EXPECT to happen. It doesnt work that way, and it never will.

Dont go and try to interact with people with the extremely specific goal of romance. Interact with them... to interact with them. To meet them and see what they're like. If a friendship occurs? Hey, great. And if it goes further? Hey, even better. And if those dont happen? Oh well... there's plenty of other people to meet.

Honestly, even I have made numerous friends at cons... but I *never*, and I seriously do mean never, go seeking it out. Such a thought would never even occur to me. So when it happens, it just happens, and is always unexpected. And for most people, that's how it is for romance as well. They meet, by random chance (sometimes in really unexpected places), just happen to hit it off, and things go from there.


Seriously, I know someone IRL that has been going at this with the approach you're using, and he's been doing it for a REALLY long time. And... yeah. Let's just say it hasnt worked so well. As in, it hasnt worked whatsoever.

In short: Tone things down a little. Dont focus your entire existence on finding romance... that honestly wont actually accomplish anything, and may actually REDUCE your chances (because people may find it seriously annoying, and believe me, it often IS obvious to them even if you think you're hiding it well). In fact, most of the time, just try not to even think about it. Just interact with people. Whatever happens from there, happens. But it'll happen BECAUSE you're being genuine, in that case. Just being you, without the obsession over finding someone.

You cant let yourself get discouraged, or again, your chances will go to the same place your mood does: Straight down the drain. Just dont let it happen.