What comes next after acceptance?

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I keep getting told I need to accept my singlehood and not to dwell on the girlfriend issue. But what am I supposed to do after that? I try to go through the day but something always reminds me of my singlehood and it makes me feel depressed again. It could be seeing a couple pass me by, seeing a book on relationships come into the library, and seeing or reading about a fictional relationship in entertainment. My mind literally can't stop thinking about my loneliness and how a relationship feels so out of reach for me.

Even if I could find acceptance, I don't know what to do with myself. College sign ups are too late, there is nothing catering to my hobbies in the area, and the few people I get to actually socialize with aren't always available until about the end of the week.

I have a similar issue - even though I'm completely content being single, I still get the slight feeling of jealousy if I happen to see a couple displaying their affection publicly. It's fleeting, though.

The best thing you can do is adjust your mentality so that it won't depress you as much. I know it's not easy given your situation, but rest assured that romantic relationships have some difficulties that being single doesn't. Once you start thinking of it that way, you'll grow less desperate over time.

It's really better to accept your "singlehood" for now. Girls and women just don't like guys who appear like they "want a girlfriend," for whatever reason. It's just the nature of things.

I actually see freedom in "singlehood." I'm stuck in a marriage which doesn't really delight me.

You know I've been single for a long time yet I ran for my life soon after I finally met a guy. He seemed interesting at first, he called me his girlfriend after the second date, he talked about having kids on the fourth?! Eff no! He was so desperate it stank.

After REAL acceptance comes the change. When you really accept your situation you stop asking questions like this. You will just start living for real as you will have some surplus energy to use to make changes to achieve the life you want.

And asking questions like how long is it going to take? Weeks, months or years? You have been depressed for 12 years, surely you can't expect to get well magically within 2 weeks.
It takes years most of the time to build lasting changes. But you have it in you! You can do it! You still have time, it's not too late!

My personal view is that most people need to crash hard, hit rock bottom to have actual changes in their life as they have a persona they identify with. Like I had it. I was the fat woman nobdy wants. This is what I kept telling myself.
So the conflict is who I am going to be if I lose weight? I'm going to lose my sense of self. How am I going to live my life?
Unconsciously these are scary thoughts, losing yourself that gives you the sense of security.
But sometimes you have to "jump" despite of your fears. This is how you grow and move forward.

(sorry for my waffling, just some thoughts that popped into my mind)

^^ this is good. Your thoughts, I mean. Stream of consciousness and all.

Marknis, acceptance means peace.

It means you look at what is, and say that for now, it is enough, because it has to be.*

That does not mean you resign yourself to a futile life - it means you free your mind and heart to stop worrying about something outside your current ability to control.

It means you find the good in where you are, and use that for sustenance while you work to be where you want to be. It isn't self deceiving - if anything, it's self-sustaining.

It's not easy. I do understand that. But it's really much easier, when all is said and done, than wearing yourself to a shadow grieving and mourning and struggling against something that is outside your ability to control - at the moment.

The thing about acceptance is that it is incredibly freeing. All those emotions, all that energy that a person is investing in obsessing over something, or frantically looking for a way out of it, actually can blind you to the solution sitting right in front of you. I know that sounds mystical, but it's not; how often do you find something you've misplaced only after you've managed to calm down about it, and search for it with clear eyes and a quiet mind? And then the memory comes and stands in front of you: oh, that's right, I set it down over there...

I'm an old lady, and this is old fashioned, but there is a short meditation that people in turmoil can use to help break obsessive thoughts. It is in prayer form, but it works whether or not you say it as a prayer:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage
To change the things I can
The wisdom
To know the difference.

You'll notice: it doesn't say "the things I can never change". Although there may be some. No, it leaves that open. Because when you accept what is, your perspective changes, and that may be the first and most essential change in the series.

*This absolutely does not apply to abuse or bullying - in that situation, to accept that you are *being* bullied or abused does not mean you accept *the abuse* - it means you face the situation. Which allows you to consider your options and think about the situation and form a plan of action...

If you accept your current reality, you are in a happier state of mind which allows you to focus on other things.

For example, if you’re not being upset over being single, there are so many other things to focus on, hence move forward in life faster.

I speak from experience.

^^^ yes, yes, yes!

Also: as long as you're telling yourself, "well, I accepted I don't have a girlfriend. Now... where is she?"

that won't work.

The weird thing about acceptance is that it's not very good as the means to an end... because if you're doing that, you haven't *actually* done acceptance.

How it actually works is, you decide you'll find other good things in your life; you find them; you find that you are actually happy *enough* with the life you've built, from the good things you've found;

and then you may notice there's someone standing next to you, who is also happy with the life SHE has built, from the good things SHE has found...

and that's when it falls into place. Because you both realize you can be even happier. Together.

Trust me... this happens. But weirdly, it doesn't happen if you decide it should. It happens when it's ready to.

This really is good stuff. After I broke things off with my fiancée, I accepted the fact that by starting clean over I very well could be setting myself up for eternal loneliness and it would be my fault because I ended the relationship. My thinking had been that having been in a secure relationship that I’d be stupid to walk out. The tipping point was realizing I’d actually be happier alone. I made peace with that.

I got to a point where I felt I had nothing more to lose. Next thing I know, I’m finding a girl here and there who doesn’t mind things turning a little bit physical. NSA stuff. Then I got into some heavy-duty mess with a jealous ex-bf that almost got me—but then I remembered, hey, I have nothing to live for, right? So what does it matter?

I’m not advising anyone to do the stupid suicidal stuff I did. I’d just reached the lowest, darkest point in my life up to that point. I’m just saying there’s a point you reach when the old boundaries everyone shoved down your throat cease to really mean anything and your whole outlook changes. It’s like reaching the bottom and realizing the only direction you can go is up. Y’know, motivational speech type stuff, but you start to believe it and things start happening.

Esmeralda is right. The only tweak I’d add to that is it is possible to position yourself in such a way that the odds favor you a bit more. Getting a gf doesn’t have to be the primary objective, but she won’t come crashing through the roof, either. Don’t hyper-focus on it. Just make sure you are in a position that’s open for it in the event that you get someone reasonably close enough to you who’d accept a date if you asked.

I think I have good reasons to why I feel unhappy. Having Aspergers and being born into a rough place like the Bible Belt is going to lead to ruin.

My parents sent me to different preschools and kindergartens and the children in them had known each other since birth which made me the ultimate outsider. They already had established their social circle and my attempts to join in weren't successful. Some kids even told me straight out they didn't want to play with me and a boy punched me in the eye just for talking to him. My parents were also suck ups to the affluent people in our area and were constantly trying to get their approval so they would attend their parties. Again, I was an outsider among the kids and my parents were constantly hounding my behavior. I was constantly told "Don't do this, don't do that!" and whenever I tried to correct what my male family members around my age or other kids did what I told was "wrong", they would mock me or even hit me in the face.

Throughout school, I would always wonder why the "cool kids" had lots of friends while I did not. It made me feel inadequate and incomplete. Even outside of school, I would see others with their groups of friends in public or at any sort of social get together. I've always gotten the message that you needed a lot of friends or you were a loser.

I was told college was going to be better for me but it was no different than high school. I was still a loner and people already had their social circles. I dropped out and I don't know if I will ever go back. I am always on the outside looking in and I wonder if it's even possible to change my life course or if my past defines my future.

The question mark.

Waiting to die I guess. While most everyone else has relationships and families

I concur with hale_bopp.

Last year I took myself off the market. I guess you could call that a form of acceptance of being single, as I took the focus completely away from looking for a partner, and directed it elsewhere. I did a combination of doing stuff I enjoy, and working on improving myself (in this case it was my health/fitness but it could have been job hunting, learning a new skill, etc. etc.). Dating - or looking for dates - was just a thing I'd removed from my repertoire of activities.

There are so many other fun things to do besides be in a relationship and have a family. In fact, many people don't consider those to be fun things, and have other priorities instead. I personally do not think that "having a family" would be the best way for me to "live my life". I've also spent the majority of my adult life single, and that's fine!

I can't help with what exactly you should do to pass the time, Marknis, but perhaps finding new activities can be an activity in itself. The point really is that after acceptance, "not having a partner" will bother you just as little as every other thing you don't do or have that's not a priority to you. Like I assume you don't dwell on not studying Applied Statistics, or not having a holiday in Barbados this year.

How do I know/will I know if I am at the point where I need to accept lifelong singleness?

I've done baseline "improving myself" where it's basics level stuff that benefits me in life outside of potential dating. Getting in shape, therapy to resolve issues and thinking about finally getting into college after all these years. I had a whole bunch of bad issues but it's gotten quite a bit better now. The main thing bugging me lately is I feel like I'm a late starter in life.

So I don't know where I am at, maybe they all will say no or maybe I am just fine for all I know.

No, not really, it's not the same thing for self-esteem: this was your choice - you know that you can get dates or sex again anytime you want.

Due to your gender's advantage (and your bi sexualtiy as well), you just simply need to re-activate your dating profile whether on okc or tinder or any other sh!t and voilà....tons of potential dates. It's like a switch that you turn it off or no depending on your mood. You know this is true no matter how much you and hale_bopp deny it.

The OP isn't off the market by choice, he's off because he's failing to attract women.

Big difference.

Totally different situation.

I also live in a place where women feel like if they make the first move, they are violating gender roles. My first and only real girlfriend was an exception to this, though. The times I have made the first move, I was told either "My boyfriend wouldn't like that." or "I am too busy." and it's discouraging to be told that. It makes me feel like any girl who is decently attractive is always going to have a boyfriend and my time is running out. I am hitting 30 this year and I fear that the number of single women will decrease the older I get the more I am locked out of the dating world.

What comes after Acceptance?

Bountifulness.

Caring......