NT [F/26] looking for thoughts on situation with aspie [M/36

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Hi guys,

I’m new here and I hope I’m posting in the right forum!

I’ll try my best to keep this as short as possible. In August, I started dating an aspie guy who I really liked (let’s call him Joe). He was very forthright with his feelings for me (told me he’d had a crush on me for a long time and was basically very sweet and attentive)- however, he has issues with drink. I told him I didn’t know whether I could handle that because I have my own issues with anxiety and depression. He told I should date other people and I shouldn’t restrict myself to him because he has issues he was working through. So I began dating someone else; however myself and Joe kept on seeing one another and sleeping together and both admitted our relationship wasn’t totally platonic. I was quite open with Joe about things with the other guy because I wanted to keep everything as honest between us as possible. Things fizzled out with said guy in early November.

Fast forward to January. I ended up telling Joe how I had strong feelings for him and I was confused by our relationship after he asked me to move in with him. He lost his temper with me and said I broke his heart when I started dating other people and though he still liked me he wouldn’t go down the romantic road with me again because it took a lot to get over me. I was confused because he’d been on dates with other people himself and he never told me how badly it was affecting him and had continued to be cuddly and sleep with me and things. He said he preferred us as friends but still liked me. I said I didn’t think I could have a friendship with him immediately, so told him not to contact me for a while. Then about 3 weeks ago he got back in touch with me, acting all casual like we’re old chums. We met up and he told me about a date he’d had, presumably testing the waters to see if I’d get upset. But then he ended up kissing me when he was drunk and telling me the same stuff as before- how he has feelings for me and doesn’t want to be a negative influence in my life, and how gutted he was when we stopped speaking. I know I’m dumb for meeting up with him and I regret it because now I’m back at square one.

This is extremely confusing for me. When he’s sober he seems almost disinterested in me romantically (but sometimes I’ll see things that say otherwise.) Then when he’s drunk he’s very intense with me. He’s barely spoken to me since I last saw him which was 2, almost 3 weeks ago. If he does it’s just general chatter about people we know and he never brings up the more serious things going on between us. It’s making it very hard for me to move on because I’m not entirely sure what his motive is. I deleted his number but he still has mine so can contact me and seems to think a friendship is no problem despite me telling him how hurt I’d been.

Can anyone shed some light on this? He suffers badly from anxiety because of AS and part of me thinks what he says when he’s drunk is what he really thinks and feels. Then the other half tells me I’m being messed with. I do know I’m not totally innocent in all of this and could have handled a lot of stuff better. Either way, I know it won’t lead anywhere positive, but it still plays on my mind regardless. Thoughts would be much appreciated.

He has a drinking problem. That is the crux of it.

He's only attentive to you when he's drunk. Obviously, this is not good. People change when they get drunk. They can get quite violent when they are drunk.

I once knew a lady who was heterosexual when she was drunk, but gay when she was sober. That caused me many problems.

I would steer far away from him.

He doesn't seem like he knows what he wants. If he has a drinking problem that will affect any relationship with him, regardless of whether is on the spectrum. I would say that you to should remain friends but I wouldn't pursue a relationship with him unless he is able to get help with his drinking problem.

Being the same age as this guy and having had the same issue, I would agree with the other posters and advise to stay away from him. He's probably easily masking his feelings when he's sober and bottling them up to make sure they stay hidden. When he gets drunk that bottle opens and everything comes rushing out and he's going to go back to the person he feels he can manipulate the most easily so he can share his misery and hurt. People that stay in a relationship like that are called co-dependent and it is not a healthy relationship until both people start to work on themselves.

This girl is a serial monogamist and the guy is a drunk.

@SteveSnow @NeuroNurse @kraftiekortie --Thanks for your responses. You're right- the writing is on the wall already. I just needed to hear it from impartial people. Feeling a lot better today, I really appreciate it.

@Buc --I've had two long term relationships that lasted two years- one from 2009-2011 and the other from 2013-2015. Far from a serial monogamy in my opinion; I don't jump from one to the next.

He has a routine. That's what aspies do. If you want a relationship that's easy, I suggest you date someone you went to high school with.

Well. He was honest with you about liking you and having personal issues to work with. And you were honest with him too. Kudos. However, one may learn as time goes on that if one is dealing with personal demons and meets someone they really like and want to be with that person, one would have to make an effort to make things work. What i mean by that? I was dealing with a lot of issues when I met my wife, but I wasn't willing to let my issues get in the way.

So déjà vu