[27 F(mtf)]NT looking for advice with [27 M] ASD boyfriend

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I'm deeply, deeply in love with my boyfriend. He makes me so incredibly happy when we're together, and we've been dating for nearly two years now.

Unfortunately, there's one problem neither of us knows what to do with. He can't ever live with, or marry (or an equivalent) me, and it hurts so much, despite it not being his fault. I mean, I totally get it, I honestly do! He just doesn't have the spoons for something like that. We'll spend most weekends together, and that seems like the extent of what he can do. When we're together, he needs to take some spoon time - so I'll be on his couch doing whatever, while he plays games with friends online for a few hours a day.

I don't fault him for that. I mean - I have major depression. Dude has to deal with my sad BS on the daily, so I totally understand mental needs and their strain on relationships. For the most part, I don't mind that spoon time. But sometimes, like, 1 out of 10 times, I feel so lonely just 20 feet away from the boy who makes me so incredibly happy. And I can't make peace with the fact that, five years from now, our relationship won't progress any further than it is now. I want to share my life with him, as in - beyond boyfriend/girlfriend.

I guess what I mean to get at, is that I understand that these are his needs. My boyfriend does so, so much for me. But changing his needs is absolutely not possible. I just struggle to, I guess, cope with it? I don't know how to deal with the sadness and loneliness. There doesn't seem to be a compromise we can reach, and it feels like searching for one trivializes his condition. I feel lonely so often, but breaking up is totally not in the cards. We fit so well together - this is our one issue.

Is there something I can do? Are there resources or something? Any advice? I feel rather desperate.

I think first of all – try to do something with your depression. There are therapies and medications, something could help you.
It's important because making lifelong decisions in a state of major depression is not a good idea.
I wish you the best!

Does he really not have the energy for you, or are you too low on his list of priorities?

Thanks for your responses!

I'm actually a bit too high on his list of priorities. He'll regularly put my needs before his, and I have to remind him to watch out for himself sometimes. When I've had a rough week, or he detects that his spoon time is bothering me, it really hurts him. I can see it affecting him negatively, and that's just not healthy.

Side note: it's really weird to talk about my boyfriend and only say "he" and "him" and "my boyfriend." Blah.

As for my depression, that's a good point! I am getting help, but it really doesn't seem sufficient. Therapy stopped working years ago, and pills only do so much. I've got some external factors (such as joblessness) to work out, but he always stands by me. We discussed your thoughts and he confessed that he feels like it's his job to maintain my happiness. I'm sure there's a lot of spoon-draining there.

I do need to say - while treating my depression more thoroughly would be wonderful, I need to lay off my...I dunno...NT-ness? Unfair expectations? I'll get sparks of hope that I'll be less stress-inducing, or that he'll "get used" to me or something (which even I know makes no sense). So even when things are better, there's a selfish, niggling little voice in my head saying "maybe one day you WILL live together! And he won't need the solitude he's needed his whole life!" I guess that's what I mean when I talk about coping. I understand logically, but emotionally, I just can't process the finality of it. And I'm so scared of asking NT people for help, because they might not understand where he's coming from, and the last thing my boyfriend needs is someone telling him he's a selfish bastard. He does enough of that to himself. We tried talking to a counselor once, about this one specific issue, and she just completely did not get it, I feel like. It wasn't a matter of not telling us what we wanted to hear - it was that she did not hear or listen to either of us - especially him.

I mean, the problem is for sure me - there's an understood situation, I accept this situation, I just struggle to deal with it.

Maybe we can both change our approach to the issue, but my position is like this: I love him. I love everything about him. His ASD has caused a major lingering issue in our relationship, but if I had a magic wand, I wouldn't wish it away - it's part of who he is, as opposed to my depression, if that makes sense. Frankly, if ASD's affected his personality at all, then that alone is reason not to change him. He's so loving, caring, intelligent, and funny. I just have this unresolved emotional desire. If I need to accept I'll never get that, well, okay, I guess. But I can't seem to do it alone, and when I try to work through it with my boyfriend, it tends to come off like I'm passive-aggressively being like "I'm soooo sad because you won't marry me one day!! ! If only someone could fix this!!"

I am married to AS man, the only way, we got passed this stage, is that I had to give him an ultimatum. Not that I am suggesting you do this, but I couldn't live in limbo land. I gave him a choice to progress our relationship or end it. He took a few weeks, but eventually he chose to move in with me.

I've found out since then, I've had to prompt him a lot in life, so it wasn't a easy decision, knowing that I would have to be like this with him all throughout our relationship.

Think about your future, can you live like this? I wish you all the best.

First, this is NOT your issue. He has a disability, and there will be an effect on you both. But that feeling you have now of being lonely will only ever get worse. He must have solitude. You must have companionship. His basic needs and yours conflict. Nothing will ever change this. Loneliness is a terrible, terrible thing, and this is probably contributing to your depression. It is not your duty as a good partner to give up or ignore your basic needs. I was in a lonely, lonely marriage for a long time, and that had nothing to do with asperger's, but the result was similar. I died inside, went numb, and couldn't deal with how I was married, yet longed for love and companionship. It makes no sense! No matter how noble you feel you are by trying to support him and meet his needs, your life sacrifice will slowly kill you. I truly do not believe this kind of loneliness is something anyone can sacrifice their way through in the name of love. I mean, you give up the core of who you in the name of your love for someone who will never be able to satisfy your desire to love and be loved fully. It will increase your depression for sure. There's no way to compromise through that on either end, he will always have asperger's. You will always want more and he will always want less. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not sure what if anything you have to gain by making this post OP. You said yourself that breaking up with him is not an option & that there is no compromise. Sounds to me like you'll be stuck in this situation for the rest of your lives. If you can not handle it, you have to either give him an ultimatum or look for a romantic realtionship elsewhere. There is NO other option