I'm 21. Feel like I'm never going to get a girlfriend.

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I am a 21 year old man diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. I have always had social difficulties throughout my life, often been refered to as the "outcast". Mostly a passive person that prefers to avoid confrontations, that is probably why my self-esteem is damaged, my decisions never built my self-esteem.

I have taken small steps to improving my social capabilities. I often engage in smaller social occasions through a game of probability, - if I cut down on my obsession with video games and other activities in which interactions is not necessary, I am more likely to end up in unavoidable situations in which I will have to interact. This strategy has worked for around 1 year to now.

There is one complication. How do I get a girlfriend?

I do have friends but I still behave immaturely. I am also not physically attractive (hairloss, non masculine traits such as small jaw and having a smaller reproductive organ etc) despite performing heavy-weight exercise quite frequently.

This is not a thread about my sexual frustration, it is more about loneliness I would suppose. I do have friends but I only spend time with them at university. Having a girlfriend would fill up the missing part, also, getting a girlfriend is only about a matter of time since establishing my own family is not possible without one.

Perhaps I do not want a girlfriend. It could be that I want to feel appreciated by the opposite sex, to feel as if there are people that actually look at me instead of percieving me as a rock at the side walk. Getting a girlfriend might seem as a radical move on a smaller problem but maybe not, in the end getting one is an eventuality.

How do I proceed?

It's not too late! I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 28 and now I'm married to the same man. There is always someone out there that will appreciate your quirks! You need to expose yourself socially more. I went to a social gathering place for people with mental health diagnosis and that's how I met him.

I'm not what else do do regarding exposing myself socially.

I'm always hanging out with friends at university. I don't know what else to do.

You are only 21. Yes it might seem old to you now, but believe me, it is not. 21 is quite a good age because you're old enough to do what you want, but if you haven't got all your life together it's not such a big deal. People still see you as a youngster and so you can still get away with living a teenage life and not finding the love of your life yet. At nearly 29 my family don't see me as a youngster any more, and any mood swings, hyperactivity and lack of knowledge I display, I get lectured about.

I fell in love for the first time at age 24, and I'm still with him to this day. But most people are still single at 21. My NT cousin is 21, and is very good-looking and sociable, but he hasn't got a girlfriend, even though he goes out a lot. It's no big deal if you're only 21.

I think everyone needs to feel appreciated in life, and it's really good to recognize that this is a need not being met for you right now. It's a definite step in the right direction.

You start off explaining that you have to force yourself into interacting with others. Significant others usually want to interact a lot. Do you envision having a girlfriend that you only see every once in a while so that it doesn't get too draining, or do you think if she were the right person, that you wouldn't find her draining?

I also know plenty of AS couples (mixed and not), so don't despair! I do think it's important to want to be with someone for the right reasons though, and that's true for everyone on or off the spectrum. Keep up your socializing efforts and see if you can find someone who seems as interested in spending time with you as you are spending time with them. To me this is the best sign of whether someone will make a good bf or gf. In the end it's all kind of random, so don't let the misses bog you down too much. Just keep getting out there and rolling the dice (socializing, mixing, chatting with new people). The rest is up to the universe. That's what makes love so special.

Luck does play a part in it. Also not being afraid to approach girls you are into, not just as dates but as potential friends. Good relationships tend to start from friendships.

You also might want to figure out what qualities you're looking for in a girl and also consider if you yourself have these qualities. As a general rule, people tend to get into relationships with people who are similar to them.

Are you a little bit on the heavier side? If so, losing weight might help your confidence.

Ask yourself this. Do you want to be a single kissless virgin 4 years from now?

Because right now, if you don't do anything to change your situation, you'll probably still be a virgin on your 25th birthday. And after all these years, you'll still be lonely and still long for female companionship while it seems like everyone else in your family and social circle will be getting laid, going from relationship to relationship, maybe even getting married. And you will envy them, you will envy the "normies" who get sex so easily, your Facebook friends who post about their significant other, the hot girls who who go from boyfriend to boyfriend so easily, you will envy every single one of them. You'll become bitter from years from loneliness and forge your identity upon not getting laid.

This will be your fate 4 years from now, unless you do something about it.



I see that you're in college, take advantage of it. You're not going to be young forever.

1. Join college clubs and talk to girls there
2. Arrive to class 10 minutes early and make it a goal to have a 5 minute conversation with a girl
3. Girls at work

Last edited by envirozentinel on 29 Jan 2019, 8:11 am, edited 1 time in total.: Removed link

Have some patience. Don't worry about it. Just live your life and it will happen.

That's some blue pilled mainstream bullsht

If you actually wanna give someone dating advice, don't give them bullsht advice.

Actually, the advice given actually works, provided the man is reasonably attractive to begin with. Women tend to be driven off by unattractive men who seem desperate.

Get your act together. Show up. Relax. Let them check you out. If they like what they see, you're  hired  the one!

Women are more attracted to social status, personality and money ahead of physical looks. It is men that are obsessed with physical looks!

All of which applies toward the idea that women may tend to look for those qualities in a man that indicate he is responsible, a good provider, and commitment-friendly.

If a man is one of those who "can't get a girlfriend", then he may benefit by trying to "class up" and show himself to be desirable in the long term rather than trying desperately to hook up for the short term with nothing to offer.

I know that this may be offensive to some, but when was the last time you saw a wealthy man with a slob on his arm, or a bikini model with a homeless guy on hers?

As long as you’re alive, you have a chance, because you cannot know for sure that it won’t happen

I think the solution for less desirable men is to seek out less desirable women. That's what worked for me. I have aLOT more than my fair share of disabilities & issues & normal women tended to like me as a person 1ce they knew me but they had ZERO attraction to me. I was totally very willing to date a woman who also had her fair share of issues & disabilities. I figured a woman like that would be alot more relatable to me & be more on my level. I also find being supportive is my strong point within a relationship but I have to relate some for that to show. Unfortunately lots of those types of women were seeking guys who were a higher level than them but NOT all were. My current girlfriend was not seeking but open to a relationship with someone who was on a similar level as her & she messaged me after reading lots of my posts about it. Our relationship is far from perfect but it works for us cuz no relationship is perfect. What's important is that we're both very willing to do our best to make our realtionship work. My point is chronically single people need to seek people on their level or on a lower level. Lots of peoples standards are way too high when seeking out partners. I'm NOT saying that's the case for the OP but I think he should seek out women that may be on his level. He could start by talking to women in his classes, look for clubs that share his interests, join online groups for things he's interested in or things related to his majors or things he wants to do after he graduates. There's other options if those things don't work but I wouldn't recommend them till he's out of college & has a stable career & his own place. Then he could try the mail-order bride route or take in a girl who needs a place to stay. I would of done those things if I would of had the money & resources &/or had my own place.

I can't argue with that. If a man does not want to work on improving himself, then he might consider approaching women that he thinks are less attractive than the kind of woman he really wants.

But then he will always be thinking of her as a "second choice" that he had to "settle for".

Not necessarily. He might realize that what he wanted & didn't want were not that important after all. What people want & don't want in partners can change over time as they gain experience & grow & mature as people. That's certainly been the case with me.