Acceptance doesn't work

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I am told I need to accept being single but I find that accepting my singlehood doesn't work because something always derails it for me. The moment I accept that I am single, either a couple passes me by or I hear someone say they are in a relationship or engaged and it pushes me back to feeling down about my situation. I had to stop using Facebook because people I knew would announce something significant about their love lives while I can't even get a date. Whenever I come across people I knew in school, they are either in long term relationships or are married and have kids. Some even ask me if I've met anyone to date while I was in college or at work and I can only say "No" to their questions. I even get the feeling they think I am not interested and I have to tell them I want a girlfriend but nothing ever works for me no matter what I do.

I didn't attend prom or a homecoming dance. I never played "spin the bottle" or "doctor" like some of my me acquaintances got to do. I didn't get invited to high school or college parties. Just how can I accept things when my past is so empty?

You're putting yourself in quicksand.

You've got to "accept" your present situation. It is what it is.

But you also have to seek to change it. It might not be easy. It might be tempting to "give up."

But you really have no choice in the matter. You have to "accept" it.

If you don't "accept" it, and you become too aggressive in seeking to address this, not-so-good things will probably happen.

kraftie hit the nail on the head.

No one truly has a choice but to accept anything and everything in their lives for exactly what it is.

Using myself as an example:

I'm single. I've been single my entire life. I accept that I'm single.

Now if I were to say "I don't accept that I'm single,".. would that change anything? Would that somehow suddenly make me have a partner? No, it wouldn't. If I state that I don't accept being single it's not going to do anything whatsoever to make me have a cute little gay boy boyfriend that I connect with on a mental & spiritual level. It wouldn't do sweet f**k all for me except maybe stress and frustrate me, or make me delusional. So, there is absolutely zero point in me telling myself that I don't accept the simple fact that I'm single because doing so is not going to change it.

Same for you, bud. Fact is.. you are single. It is what it is. Accept it, because denying it doesn't make it any different.

Now, it's perfectly fine to want to not be single & then focus on asking yourself "Why? What can I do to influence change upon this situation? What can I do to make myself more attractive?" and then take action to work on those things & yourself until you're able to attract a date, and then a mate. So, there you have it. First accept what is (I am single.) & then work on what you want to achieve until you become it and you get it.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

As for your facebook & real life experiences.. I can relate to an extent. When I was depressed in general, and about the fact that I'm single, it was painful to see others' relationships on facebook or in public. Now that I'm not so depressed about my relationship status, it's not such a big deal & I'm generally happy for my friends' successful relationships. I'll admit fully that it's still a bittersweet thing for me to see gay couples in public. Mostly sweet, though. 90% of it makes me smile at their happiness and gay visibility, but there's still that 10% bitter feeling knowing that's never been me, isn't me, and won't likely be me. So, I get that part.

If you need to block it out of sight out of mind for a while, do that. Focus on dealing with, treating, and overcoming your depression. Then with a fresh perspective, even if you're still single like myself, you'll see the same couples and be happy for them instead of sad for you.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I think the only way to be at peace with being single when you don't want to be is to take steps towards increasing your chance of changing it. You've probably read my suggestions on how to do that enough times that you probably know them without me even having to reiterate them. Up to you whether you think they're worth trying or not.

Hi Marknis,

You're bright, and literate, and I suspect literary too, given your career. So I hope that what I have to say here won't alienate you, but will give you some food for thought.

Acceptance runs on a waaaaay longer time scale than five minutes, five hours, or five days, or until the next reminder of one's specific longings happens by. That's partly what makes it difficult to attain... it takes time. And practice.

It is a way of being. It is a saying to oneself: this is the reality, here, now. How I feel about it does not change it one atom's worth. So, do I spend the rest of my life beating my head against this reality, as the brick wall that it is? Or do I look at reality, say, "well, that's how it is", decide to believe in my deepest soul that that *IS* how it is, face that, deal with it, and then look around to see what else I can find to interest myself in?

Easy for me to say; I'm 63 this year and have had a LOT of practice. I've also had relationships. Honest to God, they're NOT some magical solution to all life's problems. Especially for Aspies. The good ones are rare and take a LOT of work - on both sides. And even with that work, people change. Circumstances change. What was good can become not-good in a heartbeat.

The only solid you have is you. The only real, always there, always on your side person that you have, here, in this world, is you. If you decide to be there for yourself. If you can do that, and decide to explore life as it is, you may be pleasantly surprised - no, not by sudden surprise relationship - life's not that kind of cliche. But by the fact that you can find good things in a life that isn't exactly as specified in the myths we are all taught from our earliest childhood.

You are not to blame for those myths. Nor for believing them. We've all been fed a lot of nonsense.

Every individual here who is LGBTQ has gone through this "face-reality" gauntlet at least twice - once for the gender/preferences difference, once for the autistic difference. Many of us have gone through even more cycles of this - physical limitations, emotional wiring differences, hard truths about our families, our workplaces. Bereavements. In the face of all these things, singlehood - something that as much as half of the nation's adults are enduring at any moment - is honestly not the worst fate that can befall someone.

Try being in a violently abusive relationship, one where your partner holds a gun to your head, threatens your children, harms your pets. One where they come back to the house and shoot you to death after you have the police serve them with a protective order. This just happened recently in my home state... you might be shocked at how often it happens.

Try being in a relationship with someone who loves you but loves the bottle more, or the needle. Who spends just enough time in rehab to keep you hooked on hope and flatlined on savings. Who steals from you like they breathe, because they need the money for their next fix. Seen this happen to a man I worked for. Narrowly escaped a version of it myself.

Try being in a relationship with a narcissist or a white-collar sociopath. Looks great, treats you like a treasure. Until they don't. And then there is no limit to the things they will do to hurt, abuse, humiliate you, because they found a fresher sucker somewhere else. Seen this one too.

Try being in a relationship with someone who just loves you to pieces. Then you get sick. And not even with something major or expensive - walking pneumonia, or even vertigo, will suffice. And you watch this someone just evaporate, vanish as if they never were. I've lived that one. That particular brand of cad (or cad-ette) can be very, very convincing.

And no. Trust me on this. You would NOT want to risk any of these merely to get a few rounds of sexual satisfaction.

The fact is, "relationship" as such is not a panacea. It won't magically cure one damn thing. Sadly enough, it often paves the way for worse things than you were facing when you were alone. And anyone who is peddling relationship-as-panacea to you (should you encounter such a person) is almost always going to be a predator.

I'm not sure how much of this will make sense at this point. I've lived this, either directly or very nearly (that is, it's happened to people I cared about IRL) so I know, in my bones, this is true and real. But I hate to see you torturing yourself because you lack something that honestly doesn't exist, in the way you might think, for 99.99999% of all humans on earth.

Not intended to put you down, not intended to hurt you. Am trying to throw you a reasoning-lifeline so you can get out of an emotional version of the La Brea Tar Pits... there's nothing good in there.

God, I hope this helps, if not now, then eventually.

Hugs

Esme

*hugs Esme back* I wouldn't shoot down anything you say, Esmerelda.

I forget that even when I was in my first and only real relationship, I still felt sad about certain things. I just hope that won't be the only taste of love I get in this life.

I think that what Kraftie said is right on the money. You've got to accept your situation and than work on making yourself desirable to women. Find some modern clothes and a modern hair cut that you would like to have. Open up and smile. Ask women if they're into the same things that you're into. If a woman is into the same things as you, get to know her more. If the two of you really click, than ask her on a date.

I feel you. I've all but accepted that I'm never going to get a girlfriend and sometimes I'm not even able to watch movies or read books with romances in them because all I can think about is how much I want what they have.

You're right. It's a tough pill to swallow and hard to accept when there is not even a silver lining to the cloud.
All the support in this forum then becomes hollow words once you have confirmed this bias for yourself.
Annnnd, this thread is concluded.

Next thread? Purpose behind it?
At this point, worth considering not what it is you want out of life, but this forum.
If it is but to vent, then you're better off going to the Haven. Saying this for practicality's sake and so you get more out of it in the long run.