Questions regarding potential overthinking

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MightBeChris
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10 May 2018, 1:31 pm

I am doing my best to grasp some of the social skills I am seeing demonstrated on a few videos I've seen on this site. And I am curious as to how I would address what I think may be edge cases in practice but seem the most important in my head:

When interacting with a stranger socially (basic flirting, or new acquaintance conversing level encounters) how do I account for the people that will react negatively? Not reject me...but instead my attempt at interaction has a triggering effect because I am unaware of some psychological issue this person may have. As a personal example, I have PTSD. I am incredibly hypervigilant. Small things make me jump....but not everyone I encounter will take the time to treat me in a way that doesn't push those buttons. I want to know how to account for those kinds of things so I am not causing undue psychic damage or overly antagonizing someone. I don't mind being rejected....it hurts, but it's also a cost of interacting with people. Not everyone gets along. But I don't want to do or say something that is innocent and have it wreck a person's weekend because it gets in their head or paralyzes them in some way. When I have that happen to me it is really troubling. Though I know it's a rather low probability of this specific social interaction, but isn't it better to try and be aware of how not to cause this kind of wound?



kraftiekortie
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10 May 2018, 1:35 pm

Just realize that people can't tell that you have PTSD just by looking at you.



MightBeChris
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10 May 2018, 5:39 pm

Agreed. Which is why I am concerned about doing something that might violate another person because of something I cannot see about them. Was that not clear?



kraftiekortie
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10 May 2018, 5:54 pm

That's true.

The way to do it is to not speak out loud of your speculations about a person (whether he/she is happy, sad), or mention the way they look or dress (unless you give a sincere compliment).

And to not get upset if a person accidentally "pushes your buttons."

That's my point. You don't know what the other person has been through; and he/she doesn't know what you've been through.

No matter how much somebody's been through, it's still good to go out and communicate with others.



MightBeChris
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10 May 2018, 6:21 pm

Ok, I'm not even at "interaction". I mean, let's say I see someone and want to talk to them. How do I manage the interaction so as to not hurt them? Like, if they absolutely do not want anyone to even speak to them but I do not read that properly I am then forcing them to decline an interaction, which is already crossed into abusive because I have violated them by putting them in a situation to need to reject my offer of interaction. I brought up my own issues as an example because there are times when I may see ANY interaction as aggressive and it is impossible for anything to read as nonthreatening. But I may need to leave the house, to say, go to the library or buy food. If someone says "hi" or nods a hello it may take me thirty minutes to calm down at the "assault" even though they have zero clue they've done that to me. I want to make sure I am not doing that to other people by accident.

How can I tell THAT so as to avoid that violation?



kraftiekortie
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10 May 2018, 6:34 pm

Most people wouldn't be upset if you said "hi" to them, or nodded "hi" to them.

I guess the only way to avoid "violations" is to just get your milk and bread, and don't talk to anybody (except, of course, the store clerk whom you're buying the milk and bread from).

It would be unfortunate if people didn't interact because of the slight chance that a person might be "offended."



MightBeChris
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10 May 2018, 7:01 pm

Not offended. I mean the edge case that would suffer a tremendous amount at even being approached. Is it not part of our social responsibility to make sure we do not cause pain to others? I am uncomfortable assuming that risk on behalf of another person for mild personal gain. It seems rather irresponsible, much like saying "Most of the time people's fingers don't spontaneously break. But on very rare occasions when you shake someone's hand their bones go weird." Well, yes, it's unlikely, but not impossible. And if we don't bother to figure out a workaround then there are more broken fingers then we really need and I'm going to stop shaking hands. Not because I don't want the pain, but because I don't want to put someone in the position to need to reject the offer of pain.

PS/Edit: I accidentally hit "report" instead of "reply" and reported this post with a rather nonsensical/out of context reply to YOUR post. I don't know what that does, but I'm hoping that whoever looks at it realizes I inverted the two buttons and didn't notice till after submit was hit.

Second Edit: Yes, that's a tortured analogy, but it's the assumption of risk oh behalf of a person I do not know and the risk that I may cause long lasting harm without even knowing I've done it. I might even think the encounter is polite and comfortable, but the other party has a different reaction and not only do I not know (and can't therefor make amends and try to remedy the harm caused by my inability to consider the other) but am given no way of providing corrective adjustments to my own behavior.



DancingQueen
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10 May 2018, 9:30 pm

Ok yes you are definitely way overthinking. I'm sorry if someone says hi to you it has a negative effect for thirty minutes, that doesn't sound nice at all. :( But I'm guessing that is pretty rare. Most people are not going to mind you talking to them beyond perhaps mild discomfort that a stranger is trying to interact with them. And if they are, well that isn't your fault. It's a bit like saying "some people have a phobia of hats therefore I shouldn't ever wear a hat in public". You have just as much right to enjoy this life as everybody else. Plus, the person you talk to might have been feeling lonely and be really glad you talked to them, then you'd have done something good, not bad. :)


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11 May 2018, 4:31 am

You're definitely overthinking it. The risk that you cause harm beyond a little annoyance or very slight discomfort by innocent interactions is very small but there's no way to be 100% sure. If everyone was that cautious no one would ever interact and this wouldn't make anyone feel better.

It's also not necessarily better for someone who can be hurt accidentally in ways that wouldn't hurt other people to be completely ignored instead.
I don't have PTSD but I had severe social anxiety, sensory issues and psychosomatic pains. Sometimes when someone touches me, especially if it's a light touch, that part of my body can itch and burn for more than an hour. But I would not prefer people to avoid me like the plague even if they do it in an attempt not to hurt me. Chances are I'd not know that it is in order not to hurt me and unless I told them there's no way a person could know that a hug that would calm someone else is a hug that can make my whole body burn (that example wouldn't be complete strangers as you don't hug strangers).
There have been innocent conversations in the past that caused my mind to go completely bland or into a complete chaos where I couldn't talk anymore because my brain couldn't form words and couldn't find the connection to my vocal chords and the embarrassment caused psychosomatic pains. But I'd not be better off now if none of these conversations had ever happened. Each of them gave me an opportunity to practice not feeling this way and it took years but those things rarely if ever happen to me anymore. Now, I am not saying that every interaction that feels bad is actually positive, nor that this has to be true for every person but sometimes things that hurt can still be beneficial in the end.
I also think I've done more harm than good by avoiding to interact with someone out of fear that I may hurt them. I know from personal experience that some things can hurt, that it's not easy or possible to predict for strangers and sometimes that wins over the knowledge that what hurts me doesn't hurt most people and that their interpretation of my avoidance won't be that I'm trying not to hurt them (also here I'm not necessarily talking about complete strangers but about aquaintances).



kraftiekortie
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11 May 2018, 10:59 am

If you feel pleasure in interacting with people, I would continue to do so. Very few people, like I said, will be adversely affected by you saying “hi.”

How do you feel about interacting with nonhuman animals?



MightBeChris
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11 May 2018, 11:51 am

As long as the nonhuman animal wants the contact I'm fine with the interaction. It's easier to tell if a nonhuman wants or does not want the contact. Body language in that circumstance is much easier to read. And if I do what I find "pleasurable" I would do nothing. I'm trying to solve being very socially isolated. The thought of talking to another person terrifies me. There is nothing interesting or pleasurable or good about contact with the outside world. But I am really lonely and can't fix that without socializing. And I overshare a lot, and that turns people off or gives them a chance to take advantage of me. So, as per the "Do unto others" rule I want to be as painless in my contact with the other as possible, so as to find someone else who behaves in the same manner.

That.....wasn't what I was expecting when I started typing but whatever.

Edit 1: No, that's not quite right.....I got distracted by the change of topic to MY thoughts and wishes. My own wants are not relevant. I was asking about how to avoid traumatizing the other party by accident and the consensus seems to be that yes, I am overthinking things. Yes it would be difficult to interact with other people and I know I'm talking about very rare edge cases. Isn't it better to consider those extreme cases than accidentally cause harm? If the answer is "Yes, sometimes traumatic pain will happen by accident and there is nothing that can be done to avoid it so don't try" then I'll accept that I might damage someone's psyche simply by engaging them. But that seems rather harsh and solipsistic, so isn't my first choice.