NT Caring Deeply for an Aspie & Confused

Post Reply New Topic

I have spent the better part of evenings the past week reading articles and forums on Asperger/NT relationships. I find myself here now looking for some insight from this community. I have found so many of the things I have read to be very helpful.

I met a man on Tinder in January. We started having really great in depth conversation via messaging on the app. He almost immediately referred to himself as an "aspie" which at the time I did not know what that meant. He explained he has Asperger's. I didn't think a lot of that at the time and was just getting to know him in general. He told me that he feels that previous relationships had problems due to his lack of empathy. I found our conversations much more deep and meaningful than so many of the men I have spoken to on dating apps. We seemed to have a lot in common in religious beliefs, morals, both single parents, and neither of us good at small talk.

We met at a bar shortly after this for drinks. He wasn't feeling well all week and I know that it took him a lot of effort to get out with me. He said that he had really wanted to make it happen. He also mentioned not wanting to leave because he was enjoying my company. We ended up kissing quite a bit the first night. We parted ways and he continued to text me which let me know that he was interested in me. He seemed a little insecure about me at first, to be honest. I could tell he liked me by the way he seemed a little cocky about things. I have seen that from guys before but I really enjoyed talking with him and being with him. He was vulnerable with me about things and I really love and appreciate that about him. I am quite a sharer myself and told him a lot of personal things about me too.

He asked me to come to his house after the first date which I wasn't comfortable with. He was kind of snarky with me about it and I told him we hadn't even been on second date yet. He said he was concerned that I was more concerned with "special dates" than good conversation. Instead of getting in a texting battle about it and having things misconstrued I decided to just call him. We ended up talking for 3 hours on the phone. The next night we met for coffee and then later on after a scary incident on the road (I ticked off a drunk guy in the Taco Bell drivethru line on my way home) I called him because he lived nearby and asked if I could come over.

We cuddled and talked and watched TV and had a really nice time (and heavy makeout session). We continued to see each other after that. He would make a point to text me daily and call me a few times a week. He never really gave me outright compliments but he would say things that let me know that he enjoys his time with me. It also took him a full month to know what I did for a living or where I worked or small things like that. He never really asked, I had to bring it up. He would make me dinner once a week (we coordinated with my schedule as far as when my children were gone). We would watch comedy shows and sometimes he would fall asleep when we were watching television. One of those times I was laughing pretty hard at a comedian and when he woke up from his little snooze he said "I like hearing you laugh." Little things like that he always makes a point to say. He's really rather sweet in a different way than I would expect. He has a very innocent laugh and thinks the cutest things are funny. He's very interested in world affairs and could talk at length about them. I am an intelligent person but world affairs are not my forte. I would listen, though, and really appreciate his perspective on the world in general.

He introduced me to his daughter (she's 1 year old). She took to me very quickly. I don't know if she takes to everyone that quickly but I definitely feel a connection with this child. I am a huge kid person and love small children. My own children are 14 and 11. I take great pride in being a mother and am generally a pretty nurturing person. I say all this to make a point that I naturally did well with her and was very flattered that he introduced me to her, although, I know the last girl that he dated met her as well.

With him I knew that he was showing me that he cared for me by his actions. He made me dinner, he was careful about not having sex with me right away because he wanted it to be special. I was glad because I don't do that either. He didn't want it to be just a hookup - he expressed that verbally to me. We eventually did have sex a few times. It was nice. It was a bit different than I have experienced and I can't quite put my finger on why but I know that he enjoys sex very much and I feel that we could have a good sex life together.

During the relationship I found out that he is not in a great place financially right now. He owed taxes and legal fees for an ongoing custody battle for his daughter. He was not married to the mother and she has been fighting him regarding custody since day one. I believe that he is an excellent father to her but that the mother feels slighted by him and is very vindictive. But there are always two sides to the story. So, we never really went on any dates. We went out one time for drinks with a friend of mine but because I knew that he was not in a place where he felt comfortable spending money I paid for that night. I didn't mind I just wanted us to spend time together out of the house. This was the only other time besides the first two meetings that we spent time out of the house.

I believe now this is why he was conveying to me originally that he was concerned about my need for "dates." I think he felt insecure about not being able to take me out but still wanted to see me. A couple of times he had talks with me about feeling like he was in the worst place in his life to be dating someone right now. I asked him if this was his way of telling me to walk away. He said, no, he just felt like he could open up to me about it. It scared me because when someone tells you something like that it's not the most comforting thing to hear. But he kept pursuing me and eventually he came over and met my kids.

Shortly after he came to my house and he met my children we got into a pretty big argument. He was trying to offer help to me with my home and some projects that I needed but I got defensive and was hurt by the conversation. I am a very sensitive person and although I know his intentions were good I felt like he was insulting me. I know now that this is the way he communicates. I was trying to talk with him about it and tried to cool myself down. I told him that I was angry with him but wanted to talk it out so that I would no longer be angry. He ended up yelling at me and saying some harsh things about the fact that the next person I was with would have an issue with the house too, and the next and the next. I ended up leaving not saying anything back except "ok" and we didn't talk for a couple of days. (continued below)

Last edited by MGirl428 on 17 May 2018, 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

A couple of days later I texted him asking if we could talk. He ended up calling me later. When we resumed the conversation he stood firm with his opinion. He did not apologize for raising his voice to me and the harsh thing he said. He said that the things I said during the argument were me "deflecting" such as talking about the fact that I am a single mother and have ADHD which makes me more prone to disorganization. I did own the fact that my house isn't in the best shape and I could do better. I did not like that he was saying I was "deflecting" and I told him I admitted that I was defensive. He said that's the same thing. I got really angry because he only wanted to talk about the house issue and said that we could talk about his communication but it HAD to be a separate conversation. Now I know that for him, I believe because of Asperger's, he is unable to co-mingle two conversations. I can accept that but it was difficult for me to understand at first. I ended up so angry and hurt during this conversation that I told him I am too sensitive for him and can't keep dating him. He said softly at that point "I really want you and the kids to have the house that you want. We can talk about my communication in another conversation." I said that I was too sensitive for him and that he is a really great guy but I couldn't handle it. He said "I understand."

A week and half went by and I was very sad. I couldn't get him out of my head and I missed him very much. I reached out one Sunday and asked if we could talk. He didn't respond. It was hard because I could see via the facebook app that he was on facebook but wasn't responding to me. I sent a couple more messages and even tried to call. He ignored all of them. I told myself I didn't blame him because I had broken up with him and I wouldn't necessarily be jumping at the change to talk to the person who broke up with me either.

The next day he finally responded that we could talk. I went over to his house that night and we talked for three hours. I told him that I knew his intentions regarding the house conversation were good and that he initially tried to approach it very delicately. I told him I knew that he wanted to have the conversation with me because he does see a future for us and that he had to address this in his mind with me or we wouldn't work. I told him that I acted defensively and explained that I react emotionally to protect myself (I get emotionally flooded which I believe is part of my ADHD and cannot have a rational discussion until I calm down). I know that this is a flaw on my part. (continued below)

Last edited by MGirl428 on 17 May 2018, 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

In the days following he texted me rather frequently. Mostly memes he thought I would think were funny and also some pictures of her doing some gardening. We ended up getting in a little text squabble over this past weekend when I asked about a girl on facebook. I should never have asked via text - and just wanted to know if he was talking to other girls so I knew if we were on the same page. My therapist told me that I needed to share with him if I was talking to other guys and so I wanted us to be straight with each other. I regretted texting that almost immediately. She was a friend of his for 16 years he said and I could tell he was really annoyed with me about the way I asked. I tried to call him the next night to apologize and explain and he ignored my call and text. The next day I asked him to call me and nothing. Tuesday I texted him and apologized for the way I handled everything. He responded "I just wish you would use your super sleuth skills for good not to stir up drama." That was hard to hear and not my intent but I realized at face value that's what I was doing. I just wish he would have had a conversation with me to know what my intent was but either way I was in the wrong and I knew that. I said "Point taken. You are right and I'm sorry." He responded much much later with "Thank you. Forgiven and forgotten" I know he means that. So a day went by and I texted him today to say I was hoping his (custody) mediation went well. He said "Thank you. I really appreciate that." Then we texted back and forth a little (he pushed the conversation forward) and then I ended up calling him after the mediation to hear how it went and ask him if he would like to go to my son's baseball game tonight. He said he couldn't (and explained he was working on his male friend's house and then they were going to eat).

I guess I am left here with really true and strong feelings for this man. I trust him more than any man I have ever met and I was married (divorced 8 years). He is extremely loyal. He challenges me where I need challenging. Does he lack empathy? Yes. He told me that the minute we started talking on tinder. But our life goals are very similar. He told me that he wants to be with a mother. I get that. He is brilliant and I am very attracted to him and his sweet and sometimes child like ways. I love being near him. It's the times when I am not near him that are difficult. It's the wondering in between. I feel like I have invited him to a couple of things now (the other one was dinner at my house - also last minute). My son was cooking dinner and he responded with "I would like to hear more about this I am very curious." But he never responded yes or no he was coming (he never did). I took that to mean he couldn't make it but wanted me to know that he cares. (continued below)

Last edited by MGirl428 on 17 May 2018, 9:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Am I crazy for hanging in this whatever it is? Somewhere between friends and romance? I don't believe he thinks I cannot talk to other guys but I really don't want to right now. I am still somewhat sad about all of this and confused. I miss being with him very much but at times his silence causes me so much anxiety that it's physically painful. I don't want to be a lonely partner someday if we end up together. I want a companion for life. But there are things that tell me that he could be a wonderful companion too. Right now I would like nothing more than to be in his arms on the couch watching a movie together. I just don't know if I am silly for hanging around and seeing what happens. I want to fast forward to something because I am scared of being hurt. I also don't want to push him back into anything romantic. I believe he feels that right this minute he cannot give me what I need but that he may be able to down the road. I just don't want to be so naive. I don't know how to handle things except to just wait and respond when he texts me again.

ok a couple of things. First this relationship seems one sided mainly you just making it work and he is along for the ride. He basically doesnt appear to be putting any work in it, at all.
Second I am not buying ths Aspergers angle, sorry.
Third are you really in love with him or the thought of being in love with him? Seriosuly, you fight all the time and it does not sound like you guys have been together for any length of time. Sounds like you had a bit of a dry spell and connecting with a guy, any guy is better than nothing.
I see a lot of issues with this relationship and you might be bit of codependency, but that is speculation.

I have to agree with redbrick1. I don't want to sound harsh but it really sounds like he doesn't care that much or is putting in any effort into this relationship at all. Easier said than done but if I were in your position I might try talking to him about how I feel one last time but if it doesn't work out and he still is putting in no effort I'd leave.

I appreciate the feedback very much, thank you. Right now I feel like I am putting in all the work. When we were together he was doing the work/pursuing me. I have dated a lot of guys. I don't typically date anyone longer than one or two dates because I don't feel a connection. I was drawn to him. That being said it doesn't mean I think I should continue to pursue this.
I think I have been making excuses for him because he has Asperger's so I don't disagree with that at all.

It could be your perception of him and the way you're communicating what this guy is like, but he doesn't sound like he has Asperger's to any significant degree. Usually males with it are pretty easy to identify when you get to know them, as they have character traits that aren't easy to camouflage, and men are usually bad at hiding it. But for the sake of argument, let's say he is an aspie. I'm married to a woman with AS and I will tell you right now, you are in for a wild ride and you better be prepared for a LOT of crossed signals and miscommunication. Being in a romantic relationship with someone who has AS is incredibly difficult. It will try your patience, you will find yourself trying to reason with a brick wall at times - because they are wired neurologically very different from NT people, and due to that trying to convey even seemingly simple concepts is monstrously hard.

I'll give you an example: my wife does not understand at all why she needs to contribute to our marriage beyond just loving me. She doesn't get that she needs to do things to help out and that a marriage is a partnership where two people work together as a team. She cannot hold a job because of the other things that come along with her AS; namely anxiety, panic disorder and she also has PTSD from being abused as a child. So, her job in our relationship can only manifest as doing the housework. She absolutely hates housework and when she bothers to do any she does a terrible job at it. She doesn't dust, she rarely vacuums, she cleans the bathrooms like once every six months at best - I could go on and on.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck having to support us both, working a very busy job that takes up a good 12 hours of my day (I ride my bicycle 22 miles home from work so my commute takes about 3 hours including the trip into work.) Then on weekends a lot of my time is spent doing yardwork and other chores so the house doesn't fall apart. Most of the time I will get fed up and have to clean the house, too.

I digress; the point is it's a constant source of friction between us and I detest this about her. No amount of explaining why it's important for her to help instead of me having to do 95% of everything in the relationship ever sinks in. So, just a word of caution: if you're having fights before you're even committed, be prepared for it to intensify if you decide to pursue a relationship. It's difficult enough for two NT people to couple. You have a mix of NT and someone who has a ND and, well, you find yourself in a spot similar to the one I'm in.

Thank you very much for the feedback. He said that he has been diagnosed Asperger's and I do think he is on the low end of the spectrum but he does have a lot of Asperger's traits too. He is very literal and very logical with black and white thinking. He doesn't seem to have the sensory issues that are typical with Asperger's but he's a poor texter and doesn't like to be distracted with texts. He responds with silence often times when I am trying to make conversation.

I am so sorry what you're going through with your wife. Like you said, relationships are difficult as it is and then you throw ASD into the mix and it's that much more complicated. These are all things that I have thought about all of this myself. Why would I want to put myself in such a difficult relationship voluntarily? I guess that's what I am trying to process through.

Long term NT partner of an AS partner here and I can agree with everything ConcernedNTHusband wrote here, except that I don't have to deal with any signs/symptoms of anxiety or panic disorder, and my partner is fully employed, so that's a plus. But as far as the housework, yard work, and the not able to understand that both parties have to contribute as a team - yeah, I totally get that. I get to do the housework, yard work, make sure the bills are paid, take care of the pets, ensure the doctor's appointments are met, manage time for the both of us, etc., etc., while he indulges in his favorite activities and has pretty much no responsibilities. I have planned fun things that revolved around his special interest (that I personally could not care less about); the same has never been done for me - because it doesn't interest him. So when CNTH says it's very difficult, that's an understatement lol! I can only say thank GOD we don't have kids - I can't even imagine how difficult that would make things.

For us, we very much engage in parallel play - where we do our own things, just together. We do this because it's the only thing we CAN do, because he has his things that I try to appreciate and engage myself with, but because of his disability, he cannot and will not do the same for me or anyone else for that matter, and additionally doesn't understand how that negatively affects his relationships, and NO amount of explaining it does any good. So mostly I just do things on my own or with my friends.

To MGirl, on an almost separate note, you mentioned that you are wondering why you would voluntarily put yourself through this. Can I speculate that you are afraid to be alone? It is because you don't think you will ever meet anyone? Because like has been mentioned, if you are already having these issues now after dating for such a short period of time, what is to come?

Thank you for sharing your story as well. You guys are helping me more than you know. All of these things are something to be taken into a lot of consideration. I do think he would be a better team player than what you both are dealing with, but no one really knows until they are in the situation. I have heard a lot of people who change after marriage.

As to the thoughts about me being afraid to be alone; that is a valid reason for me to be thinking of things this way. I don't think I am afraid to be alone as I have been mostly alone for my entire life. I did always have thoughts that I would find my companion at some point and I am probably projecting that onto him, really. I want it to be someone so he's the guy (because some of the things I am looking for in partner are there - maybe more than anyone else I have met). However, I realize that doesn't mean I need to settle and accept any of this.

I really truly cannot tell you guys how much your thoughts are helping me with this.

This is exactly what broke up my ASD son and his NT girlfriend, despite the fact that she has an ASD brother and was supposed to know how ASD is.

You can't be sensitive about things an ASD person says. It will drive you insane. You can say simply, "that is insulting," if that is how you feel, and begin a conversation about what they really mean, but allowing it to hurt you is wasted energy and needless pain, IMHO.

Someone like my son never means to hurt anyone, but he is blunt and tactless, largely because that is how he wishes people were with him. He would much rather be told his failings so he can work on them as opposed to holding onto them while people have thoughts they keep to themselves. It doesn't hurt him for people to point out his flaws and he's always had trouble understanding why it does for other people. He knows better than to discuss things that are completely out of someone's control (he won't think about them, either), but for things that he believes could be improved, he tends to assume that mentioning it is helpful. His girlfriend, however, felt that his attempts to be helpful were arrogant and hurtful.

Sometimes my son makes suggestions for things I can improve that, um, I know would be no improvement at all. My response after raising him all these years is amusement, not offense. We'll joke about it. His feelings aren't hurt when you point out the issues with his ideas, because to him the goal is getting to the best idea.

As for who is doing the work ... after the history you mentioned, my son would be leaving the ball in your court. He would be confused as to what you want and whether or not the relationship could be worked out. The safest course of action, to make sure he wouldn't hurt you further, would be to leave the next steps entirely to you. I know that is exactly how my son thinks: how do I minimize the damage to the people around me? Whether or not it is true for your young man, I can't say, but it is possible.

My son, like your guy, worries that he can never be successful in a relationship because of the unintended ways he hurts people. It's a tough thing for a kind and sensitive person: to know that they will never, ever, be able to completely avoid hurting the people they care about. If your guy is like my guy, it hurts him a lot to see you hurt. My son beat himself up so much for the unintended pain he caused his girlfriend. Unless you can learn how to take things differently, your guy may not have the strength to continue trying. I hate saying that because it is a lot to put on you, but I know that in the case of my son, at least, its pretty necessary.

ASD is a mixed bag of extremes. If you can accept the whole lot of it you will love having an ASD partner. But if you can't, I think it will be very, very difficult. There are definitely reactions you need to turn off in yourself, much like you do when a three year yells "I hate you!" How we register the words or actions is not how the words or actions are meant. It will take a very, very special person to be with someone like my son, but I also think that woman will lucky in many different ways. It's just really complex. There is no way around it, IMHO.

DW - thank you for taking the time out to write what you did. I can tell you that all of what you said is exactly why I wrote this post. I know that he has wonderful intentions. We were clipping along nicely on a path of seeing where this thing was going to go before our argument. Afterward I felt regretful that I didn't hear him out on the communication conversation.

I do feel that right now I am doing the share of the work. And part of me has thought the same thing that he may have been backing off because he didn't want to do further damage. I did feel like I made it clear I wanted us to try to date again and I am ok with us not doing that right now since he doesn't feel like he's in a good place to do so. I also have made all of the attempts at real communication with him since that night. I have invited him to do things several times. Only one of those times has it worked out. He hasn't invited me to do anything except spend the night when I was already over there. I am not saying these things as a complaint, but to simply say, I can only do so much and put so much out there that isn't reciprocated. I suppose I could try and explain my feelings one last time but at this point I feel a bit foolish about that. He was pursuing me when we were dating and so I know he knows how that goes. I am very receptive to his texts, etc, in order to let him know that I am wanting our relationship to stay in tact. I just don't really know much else I can do. It makes me sad because he truly is the only person I have met in my ten years since being separated/divorced from my ex husband that I actually saw a future with.

Yes, we argued once or twice but I am the type of person who does think I could learn to communicate with him in an effective way. He really just does something for me. I can't explain it. I don't even remotely do this with other guys. My last relationship before him ended and I felt just fine about it and never looked back.