NT - married to an AS partner and I'm desperate

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Hi. We have been married for 5 years. I have been reading these forums all day and what I can gather is that AS people are each so different there isn't one clear answer for how to figure out where to go with my problem so I thought I might ask for some help

I am the NT partner. My AS partner struggles a lot with things that are very simple for me and other NTs. It took them a while to figure out how to take care of themselves and move out of their childhood home. All the while I've been trying to help them with learning how to cope with the new responsibilities to ensure that they don't starve to death and maintain basic hygiene. This has basically amounted to nothing because they are still highly messy ( I mean literal trash piles blocking door ways with 0 sense of surroundings ) eating fast food for every meal despite me spending tons of time cooking with them talking to them about meal prep, trying to show them how to make it easy for themselves, amongst the hundreds of other little things.


As of late I've noticed it appears as though my partner is regressing. What I mean by that is they seem to be so combative and irregardless of how I approach things or try to ensure them that their doubts are nothing to worry about they will insist on debating me about everything because they just want to appear "right". What's most alarming to me is how they appear to have this immature attitude towards everything as of late. Please forgive me if I seem insensitive I don't mean to offend anyone I just have trouble explaining what I mean because English is not my primary dialect. They appear to be acting out like an angsty teen. Taking stances against things that make them seem very immature or closed off and just so different from the person I knew and fell in love with 5 years ago.

What I love about my AS partner is that they seem to appreciate how much I can do where they don't really have the same type of awareness that I do. Things like house work or just problem solving in a lot of instances come natural to me but it's a little bit harder for them. Because my partner was so sweet and we shared many experiences together, travelling and just enjoying each other's company, I endured a lot. It felt like enduring. I endured learning that they cheated on me because "they didn't want to hurt someone else's feelings ". I endured them lying and hiding because they were afraid of me being upset and how I would react. I've endured a lot of emotional trauma from my AS partner over the years. I did this because I truly love this person and I have never felt this way about anyone else before.

For quite some time the promises to be more open and accepting and attempted learning have been wearing on me and leaving me wondering if I'm just not the right partner for my AS counterpart. Maybe I can't offer the support they need because some things are just really hard to swallow as an NT.

One of my biggest issues is that when we are having a disagreement it just goes back and fourth with each of us constantly explaining our sides trying to get the other to understand. Even when I try to show them I understand fully what they are saying but they have truly hurt me and need to understand why it's not ok, then I'm being "offensive " in their eyes.

This regression as of late is just really killing it right now. I can't avoid conversation with them without them getting so upset with me and causing them to be over the top angry with me despite explaining why I might be trying to avoid conflict. But when I engage there's conflict. Like I said earlier they literally just want to fight me on everything as of late. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I can stick this out and my AS partner will come back to me or if they are just going to keep getting worse ( the bell theory). I need some help and any insight would be appreciated. I feel like they just Villanize me constantly and they will argue they deeply care about me but treat me like this. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all this.

As the saying goes~ You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink. You can only help someone who's trying to help himself & it sounds like he's given up. He needs psychological help that neither you nor any romantic partner can provide. Maybe it'll help to encourage him to see a psych or for the two of you to get couples counseling. You may have to give him an ultimatum that you will leave if he doesn't agree thou. Be sure to stick with the ultimatum if you do end up giving him one & he still doesn't put forth any effort. You have to ask yourself if you can handle the rest of your life being that much of a caretaker to him. You are NOT his mom so you are not obligated to be. Treads like this are NO wonder lots NTs have such a bad opinion about us Aspies in regards to romantic relationships.

He/she probably resents being caught out cheating, after all, you get to win every argument now right? The only way to get back at you is through being passive aggressive. It may help if they have someone to talk to, just so they don't get too isolated. I would encourage that, without orchestrating it.

There seems to be a LOT to unpack here. I would recommend you both going to a psychiatrist.

It reads to me as if there are layers upon layers of issues and conflict. especially with ASD people, who often dont understand their own feelings or ideas. (for instance, a lot of my ideas are comprised of abstracts shapes and colors that have meaning to me, that i need to translate to human...)

this complicates things a bit.

depending on his/her age, it might even be late-onset puberty.

see a professional.

Thank you everyone who replied offering help. I have suggested to them that they need professional help and they seem to be willing but that's the pattern. They say yes that they'll try and don't really see the end of anything but I really need this to happen at least so I know we did everything we could try before calling it quits. They are telling me that "as long as I can make it happen I will go seek help" Which makes me worry this is just another one of those things.

I don't know how to properly communicate things in a way that will register or make sense to them in some way.

Good luck, at least that's something

do it together. go to a doctor together, get a reveral to a shrink together, go to the shrink together.

it might be he'she is simply frightened and unable to communicate that, for whatever reason.

ASD people can get easily overwhelmed, leaving them muted and filled with contradictory feelings. it can be a whole ride. good luck

Wait...”they”? “Them”? What’s with the gender-neutral pronouns?

Not meaning to appear insensitive. I get that some people insist on it for different reasons, but gender-neutral is a pet peeve of mine unless I already understand why. There aren’t gender neutral terms in English besides they/them, and “those” are plural pronouns. I never know if we’re talking about a subgroup within a polyamorous relationship, a person who doesn’t identify as masculine/feminine, or if there are multiple personalities we’re dealing with.

So...anyway, cheating??? That’s a problem that can’t be swept under the rug. If my partner cheated on me, I would forgive her, of course. I’m totally 100% devoted to her and will NEVER have another partner. But if she cheated and I forgave her, it would be understood that some things would have to change.

It would take a lot for me to leave her. The one thing I couldn’t handle would be if she had another man’s baby. I’m just not the guy who can raise another man’s love-child. She would have to give the baby up for adoption. If she can’t do that, Ima have to walk. I still love her. There would never be anyone else. But I couldn’t stay with her.

The thing about cheating is if a guy cheats on you, you have him by the balls. Now and always. You can’t excuse that. You can’t let it go. Forgiveness is always totally optional. EVERYTHING a cheater does will be scrutinized. A man who works hard and does his best can be forgiven if he leaves piles of clothes and trash around the house. A cheater, on the other hand, is a common bum. If he cheats even once, he has to prove his loyalty DAILY. If he cannot do that, you have to decide whether being his doormat is acceptable. I personally don’t have that much room for mercy when it comes to that.

I believe in keeping marriages together at all costs. Even after cheating. Even after mental illness or domestic violence. No matter what. I don’t believe in such a thing as “irreconcilable differences” and “no-fault” divorce. Every difference is reconcilable. Someone is ALWAYS at fault when divorce happens. I’ve already shared my threshold for leaving, and you have to make your own decision regarding abandonment, violence, mental illness, impotence, etc.

When someone cheats and does nothing to reconcile, you take him or her to the cleaners. You show no mercy. Take all “their” money. Fight for every last piece of joint property held in common. Primary custody of the kids and no visitation. If you’re so inclined, see if you can get a permanent injunction so that he or she can get arrested if they so much as sneeze in your direction. Extreme? Yes. But it’s justified. When someone breaks marriage vows with little or no effort to reconcile, punish them severely to the fullest possible extent of the law.

While you’re burning the house down (figuratively), take out the whole neighborhood. Let nothing and no one involved remain untouched by your fury. If your laws allow it, take the interloper to civil court to recover damages. Where I live, this is called “loss of affection.” You might say “well, isn’t this like selling someone I love to someone else? You mean I should reduce someone I love to nothing more than a piece of human property, or chattel, like a slave or a prostitute?” Yep. That’s EXACTLY what I’m saying. It’s perfectly justified and you shouldn’t feel guilty for it in the least. The reason why is if someone who has pledged his or her life to you and led you to believe you could trust in that promise suddenly screws you over and starts sleeping around, he or she has already lowered themselves to that level, as nothing more than property or a pet to be exchanged at your pleasure.

It also forces the other person to admit that your ex is negotiable. If you are willing to buy a person for money, what does that say about YOUR character? If you have no problem buying a person, you have no problem selling the same person should it ever become convenient to do so. You basically value the person the same way you value furniture, not as a person like yourself.

This may not work everywhere, but if it’s an option after cheating leads to a divorce, I strongly suggest taking full advantage of it.

You need marriage counseling, badly. Make sure it's with a therapist who knows how to handle someone with AS, otherwise it will be a disaster. Give yourself a timeline for improvement, like 6 months. If things haven't gotten any better then it might be time to end things for your own sanity and health. You don't deserve to be subjected to that kind of an environment, you have every right to leave it because it is not healthy and it's certainly not sustainable.

Just to touch on some things mentioned. I use the pronouns for anominity not for any other reason. The cheating happened early in our relationship before the marriage and I decided to proceed despite it because how much I cared for them. They understood that it would be difficult and have tolerated my questioning, insecurity and everything else that has gone along with that.

I'm trying to set mini timelines. I've offered them help with finding a dr to help them with their issues or whatever type of help they may need and asked them if they need my help to find a dr or schedule an appointment and they said no. I asked them to promise me if they could do it by the end of the week ( schedule an appointment) and they have said yes but we are approaching Thursday and we had a fight about it today where they were harping on something else because they wanted me to "understand" them despite explaining that whatever they were fixated on doesn't contribute to getting our issue resolved.

Basically they were being sassy and I was trying to help them and I just pointed out that they are being rude despite my help because they were being sassy and if I has responded that way they would tell me that it wasn't necessary and it was rude even if it wasn't. Then they just focused on that and wouldn't let up because they wanted me to basically agree that they weren't rude and I said we should agree to disagree but they wanted me to "understand" why they were saying that. As if it was some how conductive to the conversation and the end result.


But anyway I don't have faith they are getting things done by the end of this week. They will default to excuses like "I tried I called the drs I sent emails it's not my fault " it's just super annoying I'm really tired of dealing with this.

I sympathize, because I'm NT married to someone with AS. I was very close to divorcing my wife because she was continuously starting petty arguments that would escalate into angry shouting matches between the two of us. I don't have time for this given the fact that I am an extremely busy person. Between my job that takes up 10 hours of my day (that includes the commute) and exercising daily (another hour to two hours), as well as many weekends spent doing jobs around the house to keep things up, and having to do a lot of the cleaning around the house because she absolutely SUCKS at it and silently refuses to do much of it, I don't have a lot of time left to relax and do things I actually want to do. The last thing I need is to spend the small amount of downtime I have getting into heated arguments with someone who I expect to be supportive. She was making my life miserable, and I told her as much. We did work things out, but only after I gave her an ultimatum that she needed to knock it the hell off or our relationship would be over.

Sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand. If they can't respect your well-being, then you need to get out of the marriage. Life is too short to be stuck with someone who can't or won't take your feelings into consideration, especially your own spouse.

NT Husband, your wife sounds like borderline personality disorder. That's a whole other situation. Often wonder how these bitchy women end up being referred to as AS. AS Partners is full of people married to dirt bags and horrific women. Some of us autistic people on here have been saddled with those types. We don't act like the men or women described in this thread. Just saying.

RhoAngel, did your woman run around on you?

Sounds like a rough road. You are a gem. Does she realize how lucky she is to have you?