NT asking for input

Post Reply New Topic

My ASD boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four years.
The beginning was weird and tough mainly because he still seemed so attached to his ex.
She was his first girlfriend and he considered her his best friend even though she did some not very friendly things to him and their kids. They'd been dating for eight years and married for ten.
In the last four years I do feel he has let go of that past relationship and we have made great progress on many levels.
To be honest if I wouldn't have gone through a divorce when we met I wouldn't have even wasted my time on him because things seemed so off at first. But I didn't feel ready to date someone seriously so it was a great casual thing for entertainment and sex.
And then we really liked each other and stayed together. Things that were weird and awkward got better.
In the beginning he told me 'im not good at this but it doesn't mean I can't learn to get better at it'
And I really feel he's always tried to get better at it, to do things that make me happy, etc
He's extremely affectionate with me. He's always available for me when I want to talk.
He never criticizes me. He seems rather content.
Communicating and coordinating our separate lives has become much easier.
It really is a fantastic relationship for the most part.
But... Here's the but...after four years he's still not sure that he loves me.
I'm so sad about this.
Did I waste four years on someone who doesn't love me?
When I ask did he love his ex the answer is yes.
So he is capable of loving a woman... Just not me.
When I tell him why did you string me along if it wasn't there for you? he says he sees great potential for us. He sees us together.
And that his statement about his ex doesn't count because they had dated for eight years and married for ten years and he doesn't remember at what time frame in that he started to feel comfortable telling her he loved her.
He somehow expects that if we are together long enough he will love me too.
He says expressing love is extremely uncomfortable to him.
But I sort of feel oif you're not worthy of the love of the person you're dating after six months what would change to make you worthy of it after six years?
Why put another two years into this hoping he'll feel like loving me eventually?
I'm an immigrant from Europe living inn the US. Other than my kids I have nobody here.
I created little social networks for myself but sometimes I do feel terribly alone.
At those times knowing that literally nobody loves me here makes me feel even more alone.
I'm not sure what to do.
In many ways our relationship is better than that of people who do love each other: he's faithful, always trying to make me happy, always available to me, supportive of anything I want to do, great sex, very affectionate even in public.
But he can not say he loves me. Even after four years.
I asked him what IS love to you (because it seems so strongly tied to familiarity for him) and he says he does not know.
And that he's not saying he doesn't love me. But that he can not say that he does.
So four years of going out and having sex and not seeing other people but can't say that he loves me what does that make it?
Friends with benefits?
Casual dating with no potential?
He actually does think that we're heading for being together with each other forever, moving in together, getting married etc.
Only that this is our crossroads. To him we likely will have all of that in time.
To me I wonder if I should cut my losses because I do not want to proceed with the moving in and sharing a life together if the love is not in place beforehand.
To him love will come in time with a life shared it seems.
To me I don't want to invest further into a relationship and share a life with someone who does not love me.
But I love him so much. He's extraordinary to me. I think we're an extraordinary match in all other ways.. I'm having a difficult time walking away from it.
Should I? Am I being stupid for spending more time on this?
Do you think he's just keeping me around because it's convenient?

Are you not sure whether your boyfriend is ASD?

This response assumes he is, ok.

Most men would have just said 'I love you' because it's expected if their feelings are in that general direction. He's obviously giving this a lot of thought and coming up with the answer that this is not the same as it was last time and that that was love so this isn't yet, but love is different with different people. Unless not having the words is something you can't face I think you should judge whether he's worth it based on his actions rather than his words or lack of them.

Time is very relevant to my level of attachment to things too.

Sometimes Aspies have a hard time understanding their feelings like love. They may feel it & express it by their actions like your guy is doing OP but he doesn't understand what he's actually feeling even thou he's feeling it & expressing it.

I concur with the last reply. Alexithymia is very common in us Aspies. I very seldom use the 'l' word to my wife and suspect I don't feel it in the same way as she does. That doesn't mean we care less, though. I suspect the guy is just over-thinking things, which is something else we do lots of.

I'm more pessimistic. He obviously knows what love feels like because he had trouble getting over his ex, so that will simply not cut it. I also question the claim that love will come with more time together, as that is not the way it works for me at least. Actually, if I didn't have a crush, I will never be able to love somebody. The friends-first route doesn't work for me. Still, I can live with somebody that I don't have a natural connection to, and stay faithful and committed, so that in itself doesn't mean too much. It will be more like a close friendship, but it would work.

So, I think you could live a happy life together, but he will probably never love you the same way he loved his ex. If you can handle that, fine, otherwise, you probably need to get out of it.

You might also try to figure out if he had a strong infatuation / crush on his ex, and if he had one on you. That will tell you more about the background.

As for talking about love, I find it much easier to use somebody elses love quotes on social media (like Facebook). The content is the same, but I feel a lot more comfortable with sharing rather than writing my own.

Thanks everybody for your input!

I have actually established a fairly friendly relationship with his ex for the benefit of the kids.
We've never talked about him before because it didn't seem appropriate.
But I approached her today because I figured I really have nothing to lose.

The first thing she said to me was ' you are not crazy! I have felt that way so many times.'

According to her he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her for eight (!) years.
He only decided he did love her and wanted to be with her permanently after she accepted a job offer somewhere else and moved away.

Knowing those things does make it easier and makes it feel less like it's me.

But I don't know if I want to put any more time into this or not.
Still your very varied responses have been very helpful.
Thank you very much!

Hi. I don’t have the answer for you, but would like to offer this:

My NT wife has a tough time with me because I am not able to express myself like NT folk. Although my (self)diagnosis explains a lot of our (my) issues, the important thing to remember is that there is no cure. While I’m pretty good at masking, I will always be the same person.

That’s good news for all your mate’s good qualities, but you have to understand that you may have to live with the stuff you don’t like.

One thing you might try - although it's risky - is to tell him you feel you two need some time apart, to clarify where you stand with each other.

He might only realize he loves you when he's all but lost you. Seems like that's what happened with his ex-wife.

On the other hand, he might feel nothing much, and could even date and get together with someone new.

You might discover you miss him terribly, and be willing to return to the status quo because it feels better than being apart.

Or you might discover being separate is no big deal and you are enjoying flirting with or dating someone new.

The thing is, "some time apart" is less final than "I'm leaving you" and might really clarify things. I have seen this work in one case. The man had had a bitter divorce and swore he would never re-marry. The woman was not getting any younger and definitely wanted children, so she had to make a tough decision. So she broke it off. Guess what happened? They both missed each other terribly, he came to understand that marriage and children were important for her, he came to realize his bitterness was interfering with his ability to partner again, they married, had several kids, and really did live happily ever after!

It is strange. I totally agree.
And I'm not sure the break would impress him. Lol
He would assume that naturally I'm coming back after the break!
His ex is gay and she left him a couple of times. He was really surprised when she left him the final time and did not come back.

Also from talking to his ex their issue was that she wanted to get married and gave him ultimatums about it.
It's only when she moved away that he agreed to marriage.
So somehow the 'okay I will marry you. I figured out I love you' all happened at the same time.

That is not really an issue for me. I already have kids from my previous marriage. I'm a successful business owner. I love my little 'empire' I build here for myself. I don't really have the urge to make anything official right now.
In fact im the one stalling on the moving in together.
My life is so perfect right now in many ways... why change it for someone who doesn't even love me back?

I feel like familiarity is a big key for him feeling love for someone. So he may have married her because he missed having her around once she moved away.
But he may only have felt he loved her once they were married because then she was family and that's kind of his default for loving people (he loves his parents, kids etc).
When I explored this topic before I asked him: Do you love your parents? And the answer was a very strong:
' of course! They're family! '
Maybe the ex felt loved because he finally agreed to marry her?
And maybe he felt he loved her because she finally became family?
It's likely the only reason he married her was because he liked having her around (not love) and marrying was the way to get this accomplished.

Maybe he really has no idea if he loves someone but he does know that you are supposed to love your family members so once you're family you're in.

I just don't think I want to get married just to try out my theory!

(By the way if random question marks appear in my posts it's not intentional. It must be my phone. I edit them out in the replies but I can't edit the original post. Just ignore them please.)

Given this new "turn" of things, I'm undecided if he cannot identify love (which might be Alexithymia), or if he simply never has felt real love. It's also strange that he mixes up romantic love with love for family, as those are not at all the same thing. The latter indicates to me that his proclamation to his ex that he loved her after marrying her was fake and not genuine.

I have my issues with Alexithymia, so I would lean on him actually never having felt romantic love.

I think that's very possible.
He loves the idea of romantic love though!
The movie version of it.
And he can think of very movie romance things that he enjoys.
One time we left a restaurant and it started pouring rain. By the time we got to the car we were drenched! Like dress clinging to my legs wet.
And he was all swoony about it. He said: t's the first time we got caught in the rain together!
When we visited his home state he took me out to the country to watch the sunset with me.
Stuff like that.

Liking romantic things actually is an ASD / neurodiverse thing, so that doesn't surprise me. Still, the context seems a bit suspicious. I cannot help but to suspect that he thought it was romantic because he had seen these things in movies, and so that might be fake as well. If you have seen some unusual romantic expression that is not common in movies, then it might be real and not just something he does as compensatory learning of how it should be.

In fact, he seems to be faking a lot of things just to fit in, which is not so good or nice in a relationship. He should be natural in a relationship. From there, you can make mutual agreements on what he needs to handle in a non-natural way so you can get along.