You know what I miss?

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Of course, as an aspie, I was a loner my whole life. But in the past there were people from time to time that liked me. I didn't appreciate it back then. But I miss it like crazy as of now. Maybe its me getting older: I am 38 now, and all of those examples came from when I was in my 20-s. I so wish I could go back to my 20-s. Its too bad I didn't utilize those things. Here are some few random instances:

--- After semester was over, I was playing chess on one of the public computers. One of the girls at the window said to the other one "I like it, semester is over, we got to play chess". So they viewed me as one of "us".

--- I was at the library carrying lots of books I was planning to study. They fell on the floor, a group of 3 to 5 girls ran up to me and helped me pick up those books. They were all smiling as they were helping me.

--- I was studying at my office late hours, and was coming home past midnight. There was a grocery store that was open till 3 AM or so. I had a habbit of buying some stuff from that store, and some girl there kept trying to talk to me. I didn't talk much back, only answered her simplest questions, because I wanted to just come home, eat whatever I was buying, and jump in bed. This was the biggest mistake that I made. Especially since I spent hours on a dating site, and it never occurred to me that here was the girl, in front of me. At some point that girl said to someone "I am in love with that guy" and that person asked "who" and she said "the one who comes in here, never talks". I had no idea whether she was referring to me or not: I mean "that guy" sounds like me since I was there at the store, but then her response to subsequent question didn't sound like me: since she didn't say "this one" but rather sounded like describing some other one. But then again, who else would be "coming here never talking", its not like I have a twin or something. I didn't have guts to ask her that question so it will remain a mystery.

--- A couple of years after the above girl there was also a girl Jimmy Jones who also kept trying to talk to me when I was coming late at night, and I was similarly brushing her off which I regret.

--- I went to some natural foods store and asked a female cashier if I could buy some supplements that would help me with social skills. After she gave me something to buy, she said I can come hang out there because they are friendly people, and then she also started asking me questions about me trying to make a conversation; I totally brushed it off because I was on my way somewhere else (which is stupid, especially since here I was asking about social skills). I know they weren't liking me, they were just feeling sorry for me. But where would I find any girl TODAY who would feel sorry for me? When I complain today about lack of social skills (which I do a lot) people would just come up with some platitude and change the subject. Nobody would ever be supportive today the way those girls were.

I can go on and on, but you get the jist. I just want female attention, it doesn't even have to be dating, I just want a female to be there for me. Back in my 20-s some were -- and I stupidly ignored them -- and now nobody ever is.

Don't feel bad. I think I've missed out on similar opportunities in my life, myself. Don't discount the people that stick up for you, and are there for you...these people are genuine friends. I have overlooked these genuine people, and focused on others instead, many times, and always wondered what went wrong. Now I know.

No, regrets.

Now that you have learned, you can succeed where you failed before.
Men, age well. Hopefully you have your health, and are fit.
If not then you can get healthy and fit. It's not too late.
You can date a range of ages.

Don't be too friendly. Obviously you have some looks (they will have improved as you have aged).
When you don't talk much, women think you are aloof and cool. So foster this, be a bit more talkative, give them some intriguing info, that they can muster over and speculate on (if it's someone that you will see again, then you can progress slowly).
If it is a random girl that you perceive to be friendly, you will have to be much more proactive, get the name and number.

But first, get in some practice.
You will be very nervous, there is a lot of expectation (that you put on yourself).

Go on tinder now, go on dates, just a coffee. This will drastically improve your confidence (speaking, and speaking skills - do some research on talking subjects and how to keep a conversation going). With NT's you'll want to have NT subjects at hand, it will require reading the news (only lite subjects, no boring stuff eg politics, depressive stuff disasters/wars). Perhaps watching some recent movies, or knowing some interesting things that have happened to cellebrities. One of the keys to NT talking is story telling, hopefully you will have "funny" stories of the times you did stupid/reckless/injurious things with your friends while drunk.

Practice makes perfect. good luck.

I thought it was only me that goes over and over a conversation or situation years latter. The really stupid part is while I/you do this introspective stuff we're probably missing things going on now.

Don't worry, you are by far not the only one. My mom does this too, and she also tells me not to follow her example.

I totally see your point though: if only I didn't obsess about the past back then, I would have utilized those options, so who knows what else I am missing. But sometimes its just really hard, particularly since due to Asperger I don't have that many options regardless, which makes me used to live in my head.

Did it ever happen to you that some specific detail would trigger vivid memories from the distant past that you wouldn't otherwise have? Like in my case I saw at Kroger mashed potatoes powder, and thats the exact thing I was buying from that girl all those years ago that was trying to chat me up, and thats what triggered it. Yes I bought mashed potatoes and ate them, there was no way I wouldn't. But buying them without seeing that girl just felt so *cold*. It just made me wish I could go back to the past to that cozy store where I used to buy it. But that store isn't there any more: I been to Minnesota and there was a new store build in its place, which is also unfortunate.

Last edited by MalchikBrodyaga on 03 May 2018, 7:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Were you ever able to actually find those people you overlooked? I had a conference in Minnesota and Michigan (those are the two places I went to grad school where I met the people I described) and I actually came to relevant stores and asked for them, but nobody knew who they are, nor had any way of looking into the record of past employers.

I did have a much more successful attempt here in New Mexico. You see, back in Michigan I used to go to an Adventist group on campus, although I am not Adventist (I am Messianic). So during one of those days of loneliness I decided to just go to Adventist church in hopes of running into someone who might know someone who might know someone at that group 10 years ago. I knew the chances of this happening were unrealistically tiny, but there is nothing to lose, right, at least I would hear some Adventist songs that I miss if nothing else. Well, right after the service some girl approach me and told me she remembers me from those Bible studies in Michigan! I am horrible with names and faces so I wouldn't have known if she didn't tell me. So yeah, I got A LOT more than I ever counted for. The funny thing is that she misses Michigan just as much as I do, and were excited to see me for the same exact reason I was excited to see her. But unfortunately she is married.

But what about yourself? Have you ever had any success digging out people from the past?

I have been able to find a few people. Sometimes I have gotten back into contact with them through Facebook, and sometimes I just happen to come across them in person.

I found a couple through facebook: I found my former landlord and also my former fellow student. But it didn't go too far. However, with the girl I found at church it was a lot more meaningful, probably because it was some impressive luck to run into her at church, but there is nothing impressive about looking someone up on facebook.

I can't look up the women at the grocery stores on facebook though, I have no idea what names do most of them have, except for one, her name is Rachel I am sure. So I guess I could try to find which Rachel was working at the store at the corner of those two streets (yes I remember which those streets are, but the store was totally different htere from what it is now); but I tried doing that with no success at all.

There is nothing wrong with reliving things from the past, because they are all learning experiences, but you are right, that it is better not to dwell on it, and focus on the present, instead

Knowing what I know now, I would have done a lot of things different, but the past is the past. That being said, I do like sharing my knowledge with other people, so maybe it will help someone else out with the same issues, so they don't make the same mistakes I did (if they are willing to listen, that is).

This a very interesting and bittersweet thread. I, too, had situations where a girl was interested in me, and I never knew. Why? Until I aged into my looks around 29, I used to be hideously ugly. So I knew that there's no way a girl would be interested in me, unless she was "in my league" (read: unattractive herself). So when she did something like smile at me or even grab my hand, I dismissed it simply friendliness at best, and a prank at worst. The exception to that was my first girlfriend at age 18: she was quite homely-looking, so her liking me seemed very believable---and equally unbelievable when she stopped liking me.

Some years ago, I posted another thread: "I Miss The Way Romantic Interactions Felt When I Was Younger" (viewtopic.php?p=5302628). It's very similar to what you mentioned. When I was in my teens and 20's, I used to get massive surges of warm fuzzies from simple hugs and touches. Today, I enjoy those things, but with most women, the feeling just isn't the same.

Looking back at those girls, I realize how dismissive I was of them, and how patient some of them were, waiting for my reciprocation of interest that never came. But funny how things come full circle. In 2016, I met a girl 11 years younger than me, who showed interest. When I was her age, I was still hideous-looking and socially awkward, so her giving me attention felt very flattering. Almost like romantic interactions felt when I was her age. Even though we're just friends, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Aspie1, I agree that our regrets sound very similar.

Yes, it also amaizes me as well remembering how patient they were. You know the saddest thing about it? How come none of the girls today are nearly as patient? Today, even if I do the slightest thing wrong, they are gone. But in the good old past they kept trying and trying to get my attention when I was flat out ignoring them! If only some of the girls had at least 10% of the patience those girls had, things would have been so much better.

It was my experience that dating anyone born in 1983 or later meant that it was like taking a test where you were expected to get 99% to pass, not to mention how much millennials love to ghost someone without explanation: only two women I dated actually were upfront about rejecting me and both were older than me.

It seems people today have almost zero attention span and if you can't wow them in 5 seconds (like the "bad boys" can), nobody will give you a chance. They don't know what they are missing: my wife took a long time to long time to warm up to me but let's just say it was WELL worth being patient for.


I still can't believe at 22 how I didn't ask a coworker who was very clearly interested in me. For crying out loud, she even told me about a medical condition she had: how could I have been so utterly clueless? It probably wouldn't have worked out in the end but it would have probably saved me from ending up with a psyco ex due to my desperation to lose my lifetime single status before 30.

I also noticed both of the things I just quoted you saying. And what was always puzzling me was the obvious contradiction between the two: if they have zero attention span, how come they are attentive enough to grade me based on 99% to pass criteria? But they do! Do you have any theory as to how they came to be both extremely inattentive and overly attentive at the same time?



Funny: when they ghost they say they just "forgot" or "too busy", etc. So if they actually mean it, why wouldn't they ever consider that I just "forgot" about whatever detail that they wanted me to do which I didn't do? Especially since the latter actually happens to be true!



So in what way was she cold to you at first? Wasn't it hurtful for you to pursue someone who is outright mean to you? Or was she not that cold just not that warm either?

P.S. I had that same problem 15 years ago, so back then they weren't born after 1983. But then again, back then I weren't taking showers and was doing other things that looking back look ridiculous. So if only I were to take my current social skills (which are still bad but not as bad) and go to the past, maybe I would have found someone? Thats why I want to go to the past so badly!

Strictly my own theory but in my view it's the combination of %$#%$ phones (seriously millennials look up from your phone for 5 seconds!!) and the entitled attitude that many got from having their parents do everything for them. Many of them live through a screen and when somebody isn't perfect (like 100% of real life humans) they feel completely disappointed and disillusioned. They are generally 'grading' you on very superficial criteria like whether you are Brad Pitt or whether you can deliver a good one liner, not whether you are financially responsible, good with children or good at home repairs (the important stuff in a marriage!) It just amazes me how the people who claim they are looking for a 'soulmate' will literally make up their mind about someone within minutes and NOTHING will ever get them to change their mind. Believe me in my dating days I spent many hours trying to correct someone's misconception about me and it never worked.


The worst is when I confront them straight up about something and they continue to lie. I once had a hockey team dump me behind my back. The captain kept saying he was 'concerned' about me and 'wanted me to rest' and when I finally cornered him and told him to stop the BS and just say what we all know (they were 22-25 and I was 34) he proceeded to say that it was a team decision and he had nothing to do with it. I pointed out he was lying (since one of the other guys asked me why I quit) and to just tell the truth and what does he do? Makes an even more ridiculous lie about how he had no choice in the matter. WTF is wrong with saying "thank you but I am not interested" like an adult?


She wasn't necessarily cold and was always polite and friendly but wasn't exactly falling into my arms. I remember I even asked her to sleep with me after the 8th date and she declined. I decided to stick it out and the rest is history.


My social skills are still subpar but if I were to go back 15 years with the knowledge I had today, I would have NO problem finding women interested in me. Still, I am VERY glad to be permanently off the market: the flaky, entitled, pathological liars of today are very frustration to have to wade through. That's not to say everyone in the past was great but at least they were usually upfront about things.

No, I wouldn't say they are triggered by things, more like feelings. When I feel stupid all the memories that confirm this pop into my head. When I feel unlovable all the memories that confirm that pop into my head. Missed opportunities tend to fall into the first category, particularly if I said the wrong thing or didn't realise something that now that I've had years to think over is really obvious.

Yeah, I do that too. Although I am more likely to remind myself of being "stupid in the same way". But then again, this would also make me remember the times when I was stupid in all the other ways too, particularly since I obsess about it anyway.