Chronic singlehood and low standards

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I'm sure I'm not the only one who's observed this, but it looks to me as though men - not specifically here on WP but outside of it as well - who have never had girlfriends tend to have a mentality of settling for whoever is willing to date them. While that's understandable in its own way, that's also a clear indicator that the men in question have either very low standards or none whatsoever.

Let's face it: we all want to feel loved. But no one wants to feel loved in the "wrong" way. Now I'm not denying that you can't grow to love someone you settled for or someone who settled for you, hence the quotes around "wrong". Still, I believe the fact that one of the parties - possibly both parties in some cases - settled for the other is a recipe for disaster down the line. Because in all honesty, no one wants to feel like a last resort.

As I said, low/no partner standards seems to be an especially prominent issue among chronically single men - a group which includes me. But you know something, even at the age of 24 and with an empty dating/relationship history, my standards haven't lowered at all. If anything, I've always had pretty high standards when it comes to potential partners, which may in fact be why I've never had a partner. Not that I'm complaining. I'd much rather wait for the closest I can get to the "perfect" partner than settle for a "sub-par" one.

The point I'm trying to make here is that just because you struggle to find a partner doesn't mean you shouldn't settle for anything less than near-perfection. That said, your chances of finding the absolute perfect partner are still effectively zero - you're going to have to compromise in some aspect(s). But don't compromise in all of them. Because you deserve nothing less than the best for yourself.

Last edited by whatamievendoing on 26 Jun 2018, 8:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think it is correct that males that are single for a long time will tend to settle for anyone, but once they had a more long-lived relationship this is likely to change. I think that is partly because we have some references, and partly because we might discover that being single is much better than a bad relationship.

Still, my standards always required a crush and building a relationship on matching interests, friendship & dating never appealed to me. So, I think my standards have always been high in that I wouldn't settle for just getting along with somebody.

I have/had low standards. I was mostly just wanting a woman who would give me a real chance & actually try to make a relationship work with me & I would do the same for her. I have more than my fair share of disabilities & I think it's very hypocritical for me to have high standards when I'm so far from perfect myself. Plus I hated being alone. I develop feelings like love over time. I was pretty desperate when I got my 2nd & current girlfriend & I was happy with them for the most part; still am happy with my current girlfriend so I don't regret having low standards at all. So what if they both had issues & problems. There is NO such thing as a perfect person & that made em more relatable.My 1st girlfriend was far from perfect too & the reason I fell in love with her was because she related to me better than anybody else would.

That's obvious. Everyone is similarly looking for the very best partner. But in real life nobody is perfect. In real life you choose either an imperfect partner (or what you call sub-par) or nobody at all. And this is the difference between men and women. Women tend to choose "nobody" more often than men.

Which is why I said I prefer to wait for the closest to perfect I can get. An imperfection or two doesn't make a potential partner sub-par to me, as long as those imperfections aren't in direct opposition to what I look for in a partner. By "sub-par", I really mean a partner that meets less of my requirements than she fails to meet. And some of my requirements aren't even requirements per se - they're simply what I consider "fun bonuses", if you will.

Harvard College has no requirements for admission---except that one must have a high school diploma or equivalent.

I have no requirements for a woman.

It's easily to get overly attached to a girl who is no good for you if you believe that it's the only chance you'll ever get with a girl. I did that after I'd gone through university without getting close to getting a girlfriend and the first girl who paid attention to me afterwards I jumped at the chance. She was clearly using me and was horrific for my self esteem which was bad enough to begin with but I would never have left her because I had such a low opinion of myself. She has since gone through loads of guys and with everyone she blames them at the end of the short relationships without ever taking a little responsibility for the way she treats people but even as I was seeing this I would have gone back.

Luckily I managed to build a little bit of confidence and I found a girl that I wasn't settling for and was probably a bit out of my league. I was too insecure to make the relationship work long term alas but the fact that it happened boosted my confidence a lot (when I'd stopped crying about it being over) so I would say that it's fairly hard to boost your confidence with girls if you're getting no where close or you're having horrific experiences. I got lucky I think in meeting someone who gave me a chance and was kind and gentle.

I’ve never had standards, the whole concept is superficial to me.

It can be extremely difficult for someone with a low self-esteem to raise their standards and not just settle for anyone. I just speak from experience

The problem with "waiting" for someone who comes as close as possible to meeting your standards is, you are not gaining any skills at being in a relationship. You don't just walk into that fully formed. Most people "date" as kind of a dry run for marriage (or LTR if you prefer).

Good luck with having the right partner fall into your lap and good luck with being able to hold your own interpersonally. It might be a good idea though to practice with a few sub-par people and have a good time until Ms. Right comes along.

For the most part, the only girls who are into me are literally crazy =|

So it's all about finding a level of crazy that I'm comfortable enough with.

But these days, I've just been scaring girls away.

I'm so sorry.

Last edited by SabbraCadabra on 28 Jul 2018, 12:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Everyone should have standards.

I have low standards myself due to my low self-esteem.

Me too. And I ended up being abused by the most horrible men.

If you don’t act like you’re worth anything, no one else will, either.

Dating anyone who will have you is a recipe for disaster.

Basic standards would be: A mutual attraction, interested in you as a person, Not abusive etc.

Being told I must have standards makes me want to drop them all the more. If it makes me miserable, all the better! But I don't think I'll get to experience it anyway.

That explains why the people on here who've seen my photo think I'm attractive