Other People's Romantic Success Kills My Vibe When Going Out

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I was playing pool with my brother yesterday when he was approached by a girl who basically came onto him. She was calling him cute, exchanged social media with him and even asked to kiss him and he obliged, at which point I decided it was well and truly timr to go to the bathroom.

I wish I could be happy for him but all that did for me was ruined my evening, knowing this kind of thing would never happen for me, and reminding me no one has ever kissed me out of any kind of attraction. Another reminder that other people are good enough and I'm just not, and I just have no other option but to accept the fact that my desires remain out of my reach while others can achieve theirs right in front of me like it's no big deal.

I really wish that I didn't have an issue with seeing other people having romantic success in this fashion, and that it didn't just kill my vibe or depress me, because I do feel like it's a bit petty (though justified) but I know that this won't change until I have positive romantic experiences myself to give me the confidence that good things can happen for me with members of the opposite sex.

Knowing that I'll see couples, or singles mingling when out and about at clubs or the like makes me just want to stay home and drink instead. Worst case scenario is if I get drunk while out, see couples or romantically successful people, be reminded that I can't have the same success and have what can only be described as an extreme depressive episode, ruining my night and sometimes the nights of those around me. This hasn't happened in a while but it has happened, and I resent that I have to be the odd one out who even had to consider the possibility of this happening.

I'm just over feeling like I have no hope of having anything romantic happen with someone I'm interested in. If I were to find out that this was never to change for the rest of my life then I wouldn't consider it worth living out.

Being the "invisible" person is pretty hard.

I don't have a problem with other people's romantic success, even though I rationally know those things won't happen for me. I do think your brother and that girl (and others) are a bit excessive when displaying affection in public. I think that should be a private matter.

I can totally relate. When I was in the Navy I had a freind that had a girl come on to him who became his girlfriend and that bummed me out since I was interested in her but did not see me as a possible romantic partner. I get it. I wish I can tell not to have it ruin your evening, but it will. Maybe you ask him to do you a solid and see if she has a friend is willing to go on a double date.
The only solace I can give you is that the relationship may not last a week, since she went very fast. But this is just a guess.

I am curious... do you two look alike as brothers?

What’s your brother’s physical attributes vs yours?

There are some similarities like eye colour and hair colour. There's not such a resemblance that people will notice we're brothers immediately before either of us say anything, but we're not so different that people are shocked when they find out we're brothers either.

We're both abput the same height, both have brown hair and blue eyes. I'm considered the more masculine-looking of the two of us while he's considered more boyish in appearance. He has ear stretchers and facial piercings whilst I have no piercings. I have glasses and a lazy eye whilst he has neither. He is clean-shaven whilst I have a 3-4 months worth of beard. He is slim/average and I'm overweight, which is probably the thing that is most to my detriment. He is not on the spectrum and is more of a people person whilst I am on the spectrum and not all that socially intuitive or graceful.

Mind you this girl approaching him in the fashion she did is the first time that kind of thing has happened to him. It doesn't happen routinely. He's not a 'Chad' or anything like that, but he does do better with women, but then it's hard not to do better than me. I'm sure you're going to conclude that he's better-looking and thus should experience more success, but this isn't new information, and it doesn't help me much.

Honestly, that was my thought exactly - besides the AS difference.

What stops you to have the same weight of your brother? You can use your brother's physicality as reference.

I've been in similar situations, and I can tell you that you're certainly not alone. I remember this one time when I was in a concert with a couple friends of mine. One of them happened to start talking to a girl - they kept chatting, the other friend and I joined in later on, and by the end of the night, the first friend and the girl ended up kissing.

That triggered what I can only describe as a depressive episode in me. Thankfully, if/when I do get those depressive episodes, they only last the rest of the day at worst. That said, seeing others succeed on the romantic front gets to me more than I'd like for it to.

Hmm, feels.. all the feels. Same same, but different.

Yeah, I have a sex life. But that's it. Mind you, I can't really complain about it.. it is pretty fantastic.. but, it's the relationship observation stuff that I relate to in your post. And I have some things to say about how I cope and also about your last line.

I see gay couples together in public, at parties (especially Pride), at the beach, in restaurants, walking down the street etc and for the most part I maintain my relatively positive and optimistic composure and am genuinely happy for their happiness, especially as it becomes more and more common to see young gay couples completely comfortably out in public. It's adorable, and I'm truly happy for them. But, it's bittersweet.. because I know I'm not meant for that, and I know I can't allow myself to be a burden on someone else' life with the way that I am, so, those things are not meant to be & will never happen. Of course it weighs on my mind and makes me temporarily sad, so, I go do something else that's head clearing. I'll burn one, pop my headphones in and go for a 7-10km run, or hop in my car & turn the radio up and take a long cruise to the beach, run down those 480 stairs, and then just.. breathe. Close my eyes, listen to the ocean, ignore the other few thousand people there and just clear my head, centre myself, realize that dwelling on it is never ever going to change anything about the way that I am nor the things I have to do in order to be completely certain that I never ever bring someone else down. And then I feel pretty good about myself for that, for I don't think there are very many people who would sacrifice any desire for a relationship for the love of others in order to not be that burden. And, IMO, it takes a very strong man to do that. Weaker people might be more self serving than I am and simply not care, or be oblivious to the fact, that they're a burden on their partner. I take solace in that fact.




It's difficult, but, I accept it. It is what it is & there is sweet f**k all that I can do about it, so, why worry about things I cannot change? That's an exercise in futility for sure. I accept that this will never change for the rest of my life, however, I acknowledge that I am meant for other things - and by doing them I lead a life worth living out. I'm good & generous to people in my life, I make my God kids & nephews smile. I'm wired for solo pursuits and I've been blessed with the intelligence to learn and do things others cannot, and so I plan to return to University until they let me into Medical School. And then I'll do that. And then I'll serve others in the highest capacity that I can, and IMO, that's a life worth living out. Find your purpose and pursue it and then all of these trivial things like love and relationships won't really matter nearly so much anymore.

To be fair, that’s a pretty crap thing to have to witness. I doubt it would make anyone feel good. I feel ya.

Not necessarily. One could choose to view it in the most positive way possible and just smile and be happy for their brother.. and then with that sort of attitude & vibe he'd be putting out there, he'd have a far better chance of a girl noticing him vs. if he's down & sulking as his body language and facial expression will scream "sad; do not approach!"

I know ppl react to things the way they react, but someone can make a conscious effort to see things in a more positively light. Guaranteed being genuinely happy for his brother (or a friend or whoever) will serve him better than appearing envious & depressed.

One can feel without outwardly expressing it.

It wouldn't make a difference. I'm not delusional enough to think a girl would approach me out of the blue in the same manner. All available evidence points against such an occurrence taking place, so there's no reason to even give thought to the possibility of something happening when it's obviously not going to.

I was ready to leave after that point anyway, so it wouldn't have mattered how I reacted.

I would have been happy for my brother if I was secure in my own love life and ability to attract women. When you're insecure about something though it doesn't take much for that insecurity to surface, and something like this is more than enough.

Mostly just my diet and the use of sugary drinks as a coping mechanism. I recently got a job where I'm standing most of the day as opposed to sitting or lying down like I'd been doing most of the time prior, so that will help in a small way if I can sort my diet out. I have some ideas for changing my diet like a daily calorie amount but I haven't been able to implement much as of yet

I think a big part of your problem is Time.. you're only 21 & haven't been alive long enough to fully accept yourself and your situation for what it is.

At 21 I didn't wouldn't even learn my diagnosis for another 8 years or so, I just knew I couldn't do the things others did with ease. Now I know why, and I've learned enough about myself to know that I shouldn't do the things others do as it's simply not in me to allow myself to be a burden on someone else' life. I accept that my path is a solo one, that that's definitely better for others, and in many ways better for me, too, as I couldn't live with myself knowing I was bringing someone else down with the way that I am.

I don't think I could have fully realized and accepted all of these things 14+ years ago at 21 years old. I'd have probably still been very angry about it all.

They say time heals all wounds.. and in my experience, these ones, too. Give it time, life gets easier to accept & cope with. You'll find other things in life worthy of your focus, efforts, and energy that will provide you with very satisfying returns & sense of accomplishment, and then these other things that humans do will seem a little more trivial and unnecessary vs. mandatory rights of passage that you're missing out on. The sooner you derive value & self worth from other things this world has to offer, the better and happier a life you'll lead. IMO YMMV.