Why is self-depreciation humor a turn off

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One of the girls who rejected me did so because I am "self depreciation" (her words, not mine). Now, she never used the word "humor" (makes sense: I weren't joking -- I was having a serious discussion about how awful everything is for me). But, since I was pissed at her, I ran a google search "is self depreciation a turn off" and most of what google gives me puts the word "humor" there, it says "self depreciation humor", "self depreciating jokes", etc. And this is something that makes even LESS sense than that girl did! In the situations when it IS a humor, and when the other party KNOWS its a humor, as evident from the fact that they *CALL* it a humor, why are they still turned off by it?! I mean, most of what I found in google was people saying "YES, self depreciating HUMOR is a turn off". Wow. They know its a humor and yet they are turned off by it?! Are they being Freudian here and make an assumption that, even though it is a humor, somehow its the subconscious speaking here?! Do you think Freud is to blame for the particular way in which girls are being picky?

Some need a strong, self assured man and confident man.
Others who are more quiet might see these traits as arrogant and narcissistic.
Put it down to a one time rejection. I wouldn't base all your potential results one a single interaction, unless of course you believe each person to be the same?

It can be a way of fishing for compliments e.g. person says that they’re not good at something, expecting you to tell them how great they really are. And if a person is constantly putting themselves down, humour or not, it can get pretty irritating to listen to.

I typically find toilet humour a turn-off. Just because something is called humour, doesn't mean everybody finds it funny, or likes it.

If someone has chosen to spend time and energy with you it is preferable that they walk away from the exchange feeling either stimulated or understood
It is the inability to see beyond yourself which is a turn-off, why blame Freud?

Why self-deprecation is a turn off:
-negativity can pull other people down with you. People enjoy interactions with you if they feel better after that, not if they feel worse.
-Constant focus on a topic that may not be too fascinating for them (all your flaws)
-You admit your weaknesses (possibly before someone knows the good things about you) and some of the weaknesses may indeed be red flags for a relationship, either immediately or as soon as cohabitation becomes an option
- it might indicate compliment fishing, people who need to be constantly validated and built up can be emotionally exhausting
- if the other person does not agree you have said flaw, it may seem like you see everything in a negative light and your self perception is not in touch with reality
- if the other person thinks the problem is easily solvable it may seem to them you prefer complaining over solving the problem

Being aware you have flaws and what you are good at and what you are bad at does not have to be a turn off. Confident but not arrogant people often are aware of their flaws and can admit them. It just isn't a constant stream of negativity. Having a hard time doesn't necessarily have to be either. It depends on what, why and how you are dealing with it. In a relationship there should be a middle ground. If you constantly put yourself down you are harming the relationship. If your partner expects you to be perfect, always be completely positive and never struggle in the slightest they are harming the relationship.

Why self deprecating humor is a turn off:
-it often is compliment fishing framed as humor
-often the negativity is still real and the humor just a way to express it
-not everyone likes every kind of humor; humor someone doesn't like can be as much a negative as humor someone likes can be a positive.
-it can get old if someone constantly does it

It doesn't always have to be a turn off, but to not be a turn off it should actually be funny and not loaded with true negativity. If the situation was fun and not too serious it should keep it that way.

As others have already mentioned, it can get irritating, it can also simply be a way to fish for compliments.
It's a humor that can make others uncomfortable, especially if it's done to excess.

And just because something is called humor or jokes, doesn't mean everyone will find it funny.

I find sarcasm a turn off.

This post nailed it. Just because it’s classed as humor, doesn’t make it funny to everyone.

I don't know but I'm actually attracted to that in women. Then again I'm very odd in that I like being supportive within a relationship & consider that one of my biggest realtionship strengths. I find women with issues are who think of things as issues aLOT more relatable.

I learned this lesson the hard way. I’ve always used humor in my inner monologue to try to lighten my mood when it comes to some of my issues with Autism and social anxiety. I would poke fun at myself out loud for some of this. People would usually give a compliment or try to talk me in to feeling better about myself. Which was really not my intention. So I’ve learned to keep my humor to myself.

You sound fun.


No.

I don't know what self-depreciation humor is.

But self-deprecating humor? That's not a turn off ... it's a turn on!

My husband and I are always poking fun at ourselves. I would not want to be with anyone who lacks this wonderful trait. It's the opposite of "taking oneself too seriously."

Because it's depressive negative self talk. Others find it very off putting. No one wants to be with someone who thinks or believes negative things about themselves - especially those who verbalize them for others to hear. They may wonder if you seek pity, too, and that's also unattractive. It's best to keep these kinds of thoughts to yourself or this forum & not say them out loud for others to hear and judge you by.

There's a big difference between a light hearted joke at one's own expense and self depreciating negative self talk that doesn't make anyone laugh.

But notice the word "humor" in "self depreciating humor". So how come "self depreciating humor" falls into "negative self talk" category as opposed to "light hearted joke at one's own expense" category?

Depends on the situation & what's said each and every time whether it's going to be perceived as a light hearted joke at one's own expense or negative self talk. Chances are than more often than not it'll be perceived as negative self talk, so, rather than risk that it's best not to take the chance and say nothing instead. I know this is impossible sometimes due to impulsive speech, but whenever possible, choose to keep those thoughts internal vs. speak them as then they can't get you into any trouble.