At last! The list you have all been waiting for! The response to the previous "Bridezilla's Rules"! All the way from "Birney's All-Night Donut Shop and Pizza Parlour" in beautiful downtown Stanton, California, I present to you...
Groomzilla's Rules:
Dear Friends and family,
What follows are MY RULES for this wedding. You will follow them, or you will face my wrath and ire at some future, as-yet-to-be-determined date.
RULE #1. I am NOT paying for this wedding! I wanted 20 people (30 at the most), including the bride, the groom, the officiant, and the organist - NOT the three-ring circus disguised as a Hollywood award show that my bride's family talked her into! So if you have any complaints, take them to my future in-laws.
RULE #2. I am NOT paying for anyone else's tux, dress, veil, or child-care. I am paying only for my tux, the ring, the limo, and the honeymoon. Everything else is coming out of either my in-laws' pockets or yours.
RULE #3. No children under the age of 13! This includes the ring bearer and the girl that drops the rose petals. If they are too young to appreciate the solemnity of the most important event in our lives, then leave them home!
RULE #4. If you MUST have your children with you, then keep them QUIET throughout the ceremony. I want to remember how beautiful my bride looked and sounded, and not how bored your little brat was or how often he or she had to go to the bathroom.
RULE #5. There will be no talking, whispering, snapping of gum, loud yawning, snoring, or the traditional passing-of-gas at any time during the ceremony. If this is too much trouble for you, then please bypass the ceremony and go straight to the reception.
RULE #6. To my Lovely Bride: The ceremony will START ON TIME! There is nothing 'cute' about a line of men sweating in rented tuxes while looking at their watches, and you are not going to look any more beautiful with every passing minute, so PLEASE finish getting ready and get your radiant self out here!
RULE #7. To the Bridesmaids & Lady of Honor: See Rule #6. It applies to you too, except for the "Lovely", "Beautiful", and "Radiant" parts. Not that you aren't pretty, but that you are expected to help get the ceremony to start on time by helping the bride in every way possible. And no, I did not pick out your dresses, so don't be mad at me.
RULE #8. To my Best Man: DO NOT LOSE THE RING!! Do not even pretend to lose the ring. That gag is so old that it is no longer funny, so when the officiant asks for the ring, give it to her. If you do lose it, just leave and don't come back until you either find it, replace it, or pay for it.
RULE #9. To the Officiant: Thank you for your service. Please remember that this is neither a revival meeting nor a political rally. Please keep the "Dearly Beloved" part as close to the "You may kiss the bride" part as possible, with no un-necessary exposition in between. Thank you.
RULE #10. Finally, I expect everybody to be on their best behavior during the reception. No long-winded speeches. No impromptu soloists. The band already has their playlist, and they will not take requests. If you did not return your RSVP, you will not be admitted to the reception. We have planned the venue and the menu for ONLY those people who DID return their RSVP, and anyone else who shows up will simply be turned away.
Thank you,
The Groom
11 Oct 2018, 5:17 pm
