Detecting Attraction 101: Nonverbal Cues

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I was reading a thread not long before posting this. People were saying things I've dealt with my entire life. How do you pick up on attraction, when you're incapable of reading social cues?

Well, I recently had the chance to meet someone unique. The one thing that stood out about him was his understanding of social cues. He knew them on logical and intuitive levels, which is definitely not typical. He explained a lot of it to me, and from what I can tell he was on-the-mark with all of his advice. Instead of keeping it to myself, I figured this information would be useful.

Posture

This is actually very important. Posture can tell a lot about how someone feels, or who they are as an individual. Leaning forward is usually a sign of being engaged, listening. Mirroring (emulation of body posture) is common among good friends, and cannot be underestimated as an indicator in general conversation.

There are also some common expressions of hostility. Crossed arms is the most readily visible, but understandably that works best on a warm day. If they're cold, it could go either way. Anytime they're sticking body parts or objects between you and their torso, be cautious in how you handle things. As a rule, don't ask anybody on a date while their arms are crossed.

Identifying introverts is another issue. The most clear signal is how they hold things. If they act as if somebody's going to take away their glass or notebook by how they hold it, that should scream wall-flower if you didn't already know. Also, check if they're violating your personal space. This is often one of the first things that happens when somebody shows attraction. Don't take it the wrong way, because for the right person this is a good thing.

Focus and Eye Contact

With this, you're basically looking for anything out of the ordinary. If you're attracted to someone, you want to look at them and hear them speak. Eye contact will be slightly longer than normal, and on some level it could seem awkward. If they have a magically uncommon attention span for what you have to say, that's an indicator in itself.

When a girl likes a boy, she usually wants to hear his voice. Just try to avoid hogging the conversation. Ask open-ended questions which work well for whoever you're pursuing. People like to talk, but they need something to work with. Avoid questions which could be answered with a simple yes or no.

Also, keep an eye out for behaviors meant to catch your attention. Clearing of the throat and others are really good indicators that someone wants you to hear what they're saying.

Try to engage in a conversation on what's their taste in men. If they give you a list or detailed type of men they're attracted to, then you can be pretty sure she's not into you. If she gets a bit uncomfortable and makes a joke about it, she's probably into you..... unless she's actually joking that you are her type. In that case, you probably aren't

Great post. I hope more folks in the know will chime on here, and that this thread can become a sticky.

It might be slightly refreshing to know that it isn't just Aspies who have problems with recognizing the above -- NT guys definitely have the same or similar level of difficulty spotting the meaning behind these gestures, or even the gestures themselves, because it is so subtle.

Guys tend to think that everyone thinks like them (as do women, and thus the "Didn't you get what I meant but didn't say?" type arguments, but that's for another post....), so when women come at the same goal with behavior that is so much more subtle, guys just gloss over it and miss it. Case in point, her being touchy. When guys are touchy with eachother (but aren't coming on to eachother), it just comes off as being a pal or a buddy. Guys don't realize touch has a whole other meaning for many women, and that a woman who is touching you is expressing more than innocent interest.

One grain of salt -- sometimes crossing her arms just means that she is cold, and there are lots of other exceptions to the original post. Be sure weigh body language overall, not just from one particular behavior (unless that behavior is very blatant and clear). Treat them like a constellation of behaviors that send an overall message.

I was on a date once and the guy became upset when I crossed my legs away from him, saying it meant i was rejecting him. Actually, my legs were just tired.

Yeah crossing legs away does mean that, placing your leg or anything else between your torso and the other person is a form of self protection. It also means that you probably didn't like him on some level. Aspie do give off the same body language as NTs but the cues are much more pronounced and frequent (because we don't realise we're doing it most likely) but it reads just the same. This is why our body language freaks people out so much, one of the main reasons people dislike us for 'no reason'.

The grooming thing is the most obvious and the first you'll see, there can be some clearing of the throat and making other noises to get you attention too. That's what the initial stages are about getting your attention, the grooming is just movement that draws attention to attractive areas, ie hair and clothing/jewellery.

Another good one to look out for is mirroring, if you're sitting leaning forward with your elbows on your knees and the person you're talking to is doing the same things are going well, if they're slouching back with arms or ankles crossed things are not good.
If on the other hand you are sitting forward then slouch back and cross you arms and legs (it could be any movement tho this is only an example) and the other person copies your movement they are very amenable to you indeed.

Yes, but I've had life long problems with my hips. I have reason to believe congenital hip dysplasia that was misdiagnosed. My hips hurt so I shift my legs the other way. In that particular instance that was all. But I do think body language has validity.

Yeah I have a friend with a hip problem too who does that too, kind of wraps her legs around each other she says people look at her kind of funny when she does it.

I was thinking more about some of the things we do uncosciously but which seem to have a good reason like when you get an itch on your nose or face, unless there's a hair/spot/clothing/insect (some physical thing) that's irritating the specific area it's actually your brain faking the itch sensation to get you to scratch your nose to stimulate nerve endings which send pleasurable impulses to the brain not because there's a real itch. This is what stimming is about too incidentally.

The problem is that I know one or two girls that just have the type of personality that makes it look like they are attracted to you. It's also hard to read nonverbal cues because we have a one track mind that makes it hard to read nonverbal cues while listening to their words.

The simple answer to that is don't listen to their words so much. Non verbal cues often say a lot more. You'll only be able to decipher it if you learn the key though luckily there are plenty of books on the subject.

but even if she is leaning i guess more towards me than away, and there is decent amount of eye contact, and she smiles alot....couldn't that just be her being friendly? i mean that's what friends do right, smile and look at you?

so say shes doing the smiling eye contact thing AND touching herself (lol) whats a good move to make, if she isn't yet touching me?

Although I somewhat manage to pick up when people are getting bored or staying interested, I do find it hard to pick up the more subtle cues. Telling whether someone likes you is one thing, but telling how much that person likes you and in what way is often far more difficult to tell.