Isolation

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I've been on here for a while. Kind of ebbed away for a bit, but things have been getting difficult for me lately. I'm posting this under love and dating, but it could go other places as well I suppose.

I guess I've always invested a lot in the idea of relationships, and felt that if just the right person came into my life it could change everything for me. Any time I've dated or come close to dating someone, I could feel the change permeating me, like I was so much more capable as a human being, so much freer of my limitations.

But at the same time, with the way that I am, meeting people isn't easy. Neither with friendship or relationships. And I feel like it's gotten harder and harder over the years to connect with others. At times I feel nonexistent to the people around me, while other times it seems like I share absolutely nothing in common with anyone. I don't feel like I'm especially eccentric, or like there's anything overwhelmingly wrong with me, at least not that most people would be able to see. But I just feel like I've become so empty as a human being. Or maybe too full of emotions and deep internal thoughts that I'm completely without the surface qualities that make any kind of relationship between two individuals possible. Honestly, even among people with autism I kind of feel like an outlier. It's like there's no one anywhere I seem to share anything in common with, and I don't know why.

Anyway, I don't have a clear reason for writing this. I mean, I don't know what I expect anyone to say to it. It's just become overwhelming for me, I guess. I'm not sure how to find meaning in my life while I'm so consistently preoccupied with this isolation.

I get it. I'm on a different "wavelength" to everyone else. Bonding with people, even platonically, is impossible for me. When I die nobody will even notice, let alone care. Meeting new people is fruitless. Makes life totally pointless. My only purpose is to buy my family a home (we're stuck renting), and once that's done I'm going to throw myself off a bridge.

Respect

I'm very sorry to hear that. It does make life feel pointless more often than not, unfortunately. Every day is a new struggle to locate a sense of purpose, and that makes it very easy to get discouraged.

I wish you all the best in managing to buy your family a home, but I really hope you'll reconsider the option of throwing yourself off a bridge. I know how bad things can get, and I understand the temptation, but I don't think that that can truly bring anyone peace. Only more suffering.

I don't know your situation, but I really hope that if you ever come close to that point, you will seek out help from somewhere. It sounds like you at least have some people who care about you, so maybe you can start there. Perhaps try to get into the practice of meditation, or therapy. I don't say this condescendingly, as again I don't know what things are like for you. But I really hope that you'll reconsider this, as it's an option that crosses my mind in the darkest moments, and even then I feel my only real option is to refute it, and instead locate the strength to continue another day.

Sending positive vibes, friend.

Thank you.

To my mind, social connections IS the purpose in life. (Though others may disagree.)

I agree and disagree. People feel empty without social connections, which I understand and relate to.

But then you have a bunch of empty people looking for any defense they can find against emptiness, and somehow being together seems to make them feel that they're more than what they are, which gives them a purpose. For me, with my inability to find that switch in my mind, it's like multiplying by zero. Larger amounts of empty people is just more emptiness, unless there's some genuine connection between them, which I can't seem to recognize. I often feel distant from even the people I'm closest to, and I don't know if it's heightened emotion or too much self awareness on my part that keeps me away, but it's something I can't find my way around.

I find myself wanting to feel the way that I perceive others as feeling toward one another, but I can't appreciate or find fulfillment in the means they seem to use to get there. So I'm left asking myself, is this something I can ever figure out? Or do I need to start thinking about my purpose in life on completely different terms and forget about all that, if that's even possible?

Well, some people find purpose in being part of something bigger than themselves.

It's the same with me.I find impossible to be friends or be romantic partners with anyone,except for other Aspies and even then,Considering that there's so few Aspies near my area,I find hard to even become friends with other Aspies. Outside of having a high paying job,I don't find much meaning in life.I have no friends and probably never will have friends.I have no romantic partner and never will.I don't even see a reason to get out of my house(outside of work).Even with my own parents,they seem not to actually appreciate me when I contact them, and my siblings were always treated better than me when I was younger by family.My Siblings never seem like they wanted to talk to me(I haven't had any contact any of my siblings for over a year).People seem to fake their friendliness towards me becasue they"pity me".I basically get absolutely no human contact(non work related) outside of this Website.

A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.

- Arthur Schopenhauer

Great minds are like eagles, and build their nest in some lofty solitude.

- Arthur Schopenhauer

Nemo potest non beatissimus esse qui est totus aptus ex sese, quique in se uno ponit omnia.

- Cicero


What you're going through is a sign of your worth, not anything else. The happiest people in this life are usually those of the least personal worth. I strongly recommend reading Schopenhauer's essays in this regard.



I realise most people's educations are neglected nowadays, so I'll translate Cicero as something like this: It is impossible not to be exceedingly happy when one is wholly content in oneself, and puts everything solely in oneself.

I have been there before. I spent several years with limited, or no contact with most of my family (my parents were usually around, though...at least physically). They always had better things to do, and other people to interact with, and seeing me, just felt like an obligation to them.

Over the last few years, many family members have passed away, which has brought the rest of us closer together than we have ever been. My life is finally moving in a positive direction, for once.

I feel the same way, which is why my inability to form them is so damaging to me.

What job do you do? Quite frankly, if you have a high paying job, you shouldn't have any difficulty at all getting a gf, even if you're ugly. I'd do almost anything to get a decent job. You're at least halfway towards lasting happiness.

Relationships (even close friendships) do kind of change you after a while, don't they? Or at least, help you learn. At heart, I really love feeling like I'm close to others and connected, so loneliness is something I've gotten familiar with.

Yeah, 'tis the same with me. Up 'till gr.4 making "friends" was easy. Then came acquaintances, who I mistook for friends. And even though I grew up in the city, I've seen, like, only 1 Aspie in my whole life and their special interest (Minecraft and Halo) was different from mine (then chess and art, now kinda searching) . But I do hope to at least see them, 'cuz sometimes just seeing people alike can make me happier than even talking or writing to them. ('Tis hard to find them, though, 'cuz now I live in a small town far away with few people and they likely live in the city). I think that we need to search long for people like us. We're scattered there somewhere across the world...

Music is the balm for me in general, but especially in times when life is kicking me when I'm down. When life has its boot on my head.

Don't give up. Never give up. Love yourself when it seems no one else will. Find things you like to do and embrace them. Treat yourself.

I've bolded the lines in the song below that really help me and I find to be meaningful in my life as to how I feel or how I've felt. Does music help you?

Isolation - Joy Division

"In fear every day, every evening,
He calls her aloud from above,
Carefully watched for a reason,
Painstaking devotion and love,
Surrendered to self preservation,
From others who care for themselves.
A blindness that touches perfection,
But hurts just like anything else.
Isolation, isolation, isolation.
Mother I tried please believe me,
I'm doing the best that I can.
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through,
I'm ashamed of the person I am.
Isolation, isolation, isolation.
But if you could just see the beauty,
These things I could never describe,
These pleasures a wayward distraction,
This is my one lucky prize.
Isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation."