I'm not a bad person just because I don't have kids :-(

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An episode of Sex and the City the other night hit home to me an interesting truth in my life, and that is that a lot of my friends who have had kids suddenly start acting like if I don't think their children are the centre of the universe, as they do, that makes me a bad person.

I don't have anything against kids. In fact, so much respect do I have for them that if you were to ask me, "Do you like kids?" I would reply with, "Well, that depends. Which kid are you referring to?" because I treat them all as individual human beings, just as I would if they were of adult age.

Having said that, I must say that I have an issue with new parents expecting me to change my whole outlook just because their parenthood has changed theirs, and then - and this is the part I find infuriating - implying that if I don't do that, I am somehow lacking in life fulfilment: "I thought I was happy - then I became a mother. Now I'm REALLY happy. Now my life REALLY has purpose and meaning." Um - excuse me?

Just because I decided not to embark on the path of parenthood, does that mean my life has less purpose and meaning than the lives of the newly parented?

Just because someone I know decided to spawn, does that mean I have to feel bad about the fact that I wish to continue living just as I did when we were both childless? That I somehow haven't moved on? Grown up?

If anything, people who remain kidless should be praised in our society because they've got more time to spend improving the world for the kids who are already here.

Yet we punish them by making them feel immature and underdeveloped because they didn't or couldn't reproduce themselves. I mean, go to your local supermarket and look at the Hallmark cards. Do you see anything with 'Star Scientist' or 'World's Best Nun' or 'Congratulations on Living on Your Own for Thirty Years!' written on it? No. It's all centred around family stuff: getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, getting christened, etc.

No wonder so many single people feel like crap most of the time. And no wonder so many people rush into relationships with the wrong people to avoid being single. And no wonder so many women resort to desperate measures to control their fertility. The money that's spent on IVF in this world could probably solve the climate crisis or another world dilemma. But try telling that to someone who's been beaten about the ovaries once too often by society's opinions on what makes her a success in life or not.

Maybe if we can emphasise child-free and single life options as not just valid but desirable pathways, then people who become parents won't feel the need to also become as*holes about their new parental status - because, frankly put, it won't be seen as such a bloody achievement compared to everything else out there, at the end of the day.

Who's with me on this?

Amen, sister!

I’m almost 39, still no kids. For me, it isn’t that I don’t want them, but I feel I’m too old to be a new parent.

Applause applause applause.

I don't hang out with people who have kids. I moved on and met new people with a similar outlook to my own.

Although. If someone asks, "do you like kids?" I will say yes. You don't grease the wheels of pleasant small talk by being pedantic. I think thats a common aspie mistake. Small talk is about building connections, not being specific

In my experience, childless people and new parents rarely remain friends.

It's impossible to unless you really like children or really like the person with the child.

They are small things requiring 24-7 care. Once it exists there's no where to put it out of the way and continue on like it doesn't exist. Children change everything. They really do change the parents whole lives and outlook. I really don't want to be tied to one of those things, although I do understand how happy they make the parents, even though they also bring a lot of stress.

With you on this one. I never wanted kids and never changed my mind.

My childhood was absolutely miserable, partly because my mother was obviously unhappy all the time. It was pretty clear that having kids did not make her the least bit happy at all, so the other two kids and I tip toed around her growing up, trying not to set her off just to have some peace in the household.

Later I recognized things including that (obviously like my mother) I don't have the temperament to deal with chaos, preferring mostly quiet and routine. On a much larger scale, I also don't agree with how our country handles things like health care, education, and maternity leave, and how we SAY we appreciate mothers and how "parents have the most important job ever!" but that does not reflect in our regulations and makes having kids a potentially tremendously expensive choice for the average person. And yes, you can raise your kid very inexpensively, but that's how I was raised, and it's miserable to be the poor kid in the classroom, and I choose to not put someone through that. So because I came from a very poor background I had a choice: I could have kids and stay in the tiny little hick town where I came from and continue the cycle of poverty and misery or I could have a career and live somewhere more civilized, but I would take on some debt. And I certainly could not have both. So I chose career, went to college, got my degree, and have a good job and am happy with that. It gives me the chance to have that peace and quiet and routine that I like.

Not to mention that the earth does not need my genetic contribution. We are long past needing to have a litter of children to help out on the farm in the hopes that 1 or 2 survive. So I opted out and I absolutely don't regret it.

I think some people have kids because they need to, because they feel like they have to fit in, and they either don't know what else to do with their lives or they don't have the strength to go against the societal grain. Where I live now, there are plenty of people here who never had kids, so it's not considered odd at all. I suppose some people may think it's weird that a woman has no desire to have kids, and that's fine if they want to think that, but I also think it's just a hint of jealousy too. Either way I don't care because I'm happy, to each their own.

1.6 million children in America are homeless.
400,540 American children are in foster care.
16.4 million American children live in poverty; one in five.
16 million American children struggle with hunger; one in five.
Every year, 3.8 million American children are victims of child abuse. 1,640 are killed.
Every year, 10,000 American children are shot.
2,600 of them are killed.
Globally, a child dies every ten seconds from hunger or preventable disease, while eight individuals hoard more wealth than 4 billion people.
Over 90% of the casualties of modern warfare are civilian. During the last ten years, 2 million children have been killed, 4-5 million children disabled, 12 million children left homeless, more than one million children orphaned, and 10 million children psychologically traumatized.
Anthropogenic climate change, the concomitant Anthropocene Mass Extinction Event, overexploitation of resources and overpopulation will certainly result in the very near future in a Malthusian Check to the human population beyond most human comprehension, perhaps even extinction as a species.
Considering how catastrophically and irreparably we have betrayed our children and all future generations, I personally cannot imagine a rational argument for bringing one more into this world.
If you want to have a positive effect on a child's life, try to do something to try and mitigate the suffering of those already here.

I agree with you Alita & Piobaire.I don't have kids & I don't want them for LOTS of reasons. I never really been close to anyone with kids. I never had many friends & my friends that had children were older & their kids were like teens or adults so I never really feel the pressure from other parents. Also anyone who knows me abit wouldn't suggest that I have kids cuz I have lots of my own issues to deal with. Anyways I just feel like the world is going downhill & I think there are other ways to find a life purpose than having kids. There's lots of jobs involving dealing with kids people could do like teacher, daycare worker, babysitter, camp councilor, pediatrician, child welfare worker/agent, & there's also the big brother & big sister programs to name a few things. I just don't see why someone would need to have a child of their own in order to feel complete when there's so many other ways to make a difference in a child's life. I believe things like birth-control or safe sex should be highly encouraged instead of being compared to murder of an nonconceived child like some compare it to.

To reproduce is an immoral act. Think about it: every intelligent, successful person you'll ever meet is miserable because he always dreams of becoming MORE successful. On the other hand, the few people who are content with a little, while being happier, have no dignity, BECAUSE they have failed to achieve anything.

The choice in life is between happiness (a few shreds of it, anyway) at the expense of one's dignity or vice versa. I have no desire to subject a child to that, and I have no respect for anyone who does.

Wait until you get to the age where other people start doting on their grandchildren. That's when you really begin to see the differences between the "haves" and "have-nots"!

Or maybe not , everyone's different. Not everyone is cut out for kids and some parents just f**k up their kids beyond belief, I'm certainly not the model father but I try to the best of my ability which is poorly lacking and my GF has to tell me what I need to do must of the time.

so many good perspectives in this thread.

some jejune thoughts- it is hard for most folks to think outside of their own conceits. a new parent tends to think that the whole world is a part of that scene. often enough, they see folks with other priorities and think "how selfish, how immature" and the like, and seldom consider that how boring a world it would be if indeed all were similar to themselves and how small a world it is but for the others who are not part of this cloister. if a person of my vintage were to have actually reproduced, chances are the offspring would be on the spectrum or worse, and I couldn't do that to another spirit. old sperm = defective sperm, according to many studies. there aren't enough caring people to take proper care of all the people on earth that need caring, as it is. I can't guarantee that my offspring would be up to that challenge and thus could well make this world a more dire place than it is already. every child that exists needs to be a supremely WANTED child, prioritized over all else, but this world makes it too hard for people of modest means and gifts to be able to fulfil that moral requirement.

Too much on this thread has been expressed that I've felt already ... except this ...

The world is overpopulated. That makes being without children is really a public service if you think about it.

Personally, and I say this with full confidence and no remorse, I hate being around children, period. And, as selfish as that sounds, THAT is the reason I'll never have kids. It is immaterial how other people say I should live my life. It's MY LIFE. Their "little bundles of joy" would mean pain, misery, and disgust for me.

Anyway, I'm doing my part by living my life and having my tubes tied. There is no reason for any of us to feel guilty about not wanting that personal stress, let alone contributing to the plight the world suffers for having too many people on it.

Yakuzamonroe, you are not selfish for not wanting to be around children. To me it's a perfectly logical sensibility. Like, say, getting to sit in a library and read without having what amounts to a noisy creche every morning (story-time hour, kids!) in what is supposed to be a quiet place.

Sometimes I think we live in a paedocracy (or should that be paedocrazy?)

Having kids is a huge money maker, not only health care and education, but all of the little things that go along with it - baby showers, gender reveal parties, birthdays, school graduations (like graduating from first grade - seriously??), etc. And it's almost like it's a competition among parents, who can be the BEST parent and throw the BEST, most EPIC party for your 2 year old.

Meh. Like I said, it's not for me. Sounds like too much work and stress.