Aspergers Boyfriend Confuses Me?

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(Okay, so this is my first time dating an autistic person. I’ve done a lot of research and I would say I handle his condition pretty well. Anyways, let’s get to the story.) I met my AS boyfriend on a dating app. We started out as friends and we started dating shortly after. Our relationship was perfect (surprisingly for a NT/AS relationship?) until I started snooping. He told me he never loved his exes, but once I looked through his phone, that’s not what it looked like. I was heartbroken by the old messages and things he said. I asked him about it and he’d always say “I didn’t love those girls. I only thought I did.” And “I only thought I loved them. I didn’t know what love was until I met you.” But from everyone I’ve asked (like his ex’s friends and his old friends), they all told me he actually loved those girls. He swears up and down he didn’t, but why save nudes of a girl you don’t like? Why tell her “we did everything together. You’ll never find someone you loves you the way I did”? Why tell her friend you liked visiting her and why call her cute if you didn’t find her attractive? He says he did all that because he was desperate and that he didn’t want to be alone. I asked why he cried over her when they broke up and he said “I didn’t cry over her. I cried because I didn’t want to be alone.” I’m his 4th girlfriend and the 3rd person he’s had sex with. (He says I’m the first girl he’s made love to though. And that he saw the others as just sex.) He’s been honest with me on things like telling me he liked sex with his first girlfriend but didn’t like it with the second. But when he tells me I’m his first love, I don’t believe it. I believe he loved them. I put him through a lie detector test, and it all came back positive, no lies. And I asked on there if he loved them and he said no. What should I believe though? Do you think he truly loved them, or am I his first? I mean, I’m the first girl he’s lived with. And all his past relationships lasted 7 months and that’s it. What do you think? I mean, why would he tell a girl he loved them if he didn’t? He said he lied about that and again, he “didn’t want to be alone”. But I don’t believe that.

Your post confuses me. Are you concerned whether or not he loves you, whether or not he loved his ex girlfriends, whether or not he is capable of feeling/expressing love, the fact that he even has ex-girlfriends, or some combination of all of these?

@Fnord I feel like he really did love his exes even though he says he didn’t.

What difference does it make whether he did or didn't?

They are all his exes. So its water under the bridge.

If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question. The past belongs in the past.

If my SO were to ask if I loved my exes, the answer is yes. Did I have sex with them? Yes. Did I like it? YES!! !

It sounds to me your bf isn’t being honest with himself or is worried what you’ll do if he’s honest about his past.

I wouldn’t lie to her, not even if the answer wasn’t what she wanted to hear. But she is smart enough not to ask.

We HAVE spoken about exes before, but we were quite aware of what we might find out in the process. We agreed to be ok with that. And it hasn’t come up in conversation in a long time.

I say leave it alone and stop snooping. Accept who and what you have. Be happy with that and forget about the rest.

He says he doesn’t love them, no matter how many times I say “I won’t leave” and “I won’t get upset”
He always says he never loved them

He knows better than to tell the truth, because no matter how many times you say you won't get upset, you know you will and he knows it too. He may be autistic but he ain't dumb.

Look... he had a life before you came along. Surely you must know that. And if he did love them, so what? He's with you now. You can't seriously believe that he lived his life sitting in a box waiting for you to come along and awaken him or something??

And... what are you doing snooping in his phone anyway? I actually think that's a bit more concerning than him not wanting to admit that he cared about his exes because he knows it will probably set you off.

I don't mean to come off harsh but you had better cool your insecurity or you'll end up driving him away.

So?

If you would prefer to have been His “One and Only”, then you should have gotten to him sooner.

If you are jealous of his ex-girlfriends, then how do you feel about his mother, his sisters, and his other female relatives?

If you believe that he is incapable of love, then drop him and run away - run far, run fast, and never stop running.

But if what you are really concerned about is that he lied to you and won’t admit it, then just dump him and find a more honest man (Hint: The perfect liars are always the sweetest, kindest, most affectionate men you will ever meet; and then ‘boom’, they’re gone).

Relationships are risky and fraught with conflict. You either deal with the negatives and rejoice in the positives, or get thee hence to a nunnery.

...Which is why Wrong Planet is basically a co-ed monastery.

How did his previous relationships end?

He broke up with the first one and the second one left him and he got over her in a week or two.

Ironically your aspergers boyfriend sounds rather NT (both because he had an active love life before he met you, and because he seems rather savy about dealing with you).

Maybe you're not aspie, but it sounds like its normal Neurotypical behavior in your bf that you cant deal, and not anything that particularly "autistic".

He told me before we met in real life that he didn’t know what love was until he met me and I’m his first love. Should I believe that? That’s all I’m asking.

He was diagnosed with Autism but he has signs of Aspergers. He’s seeing a therapist for a proper diagnosis soon. But from what I’ve seen and how he acts, it’s signs of Aspergers

Aspies tend to see things in black and white and often have very precise definitions. This can lead to a lot of confusion.

When I was young I would memorize multiple definitions for the same term and keep track of all of them!
These days, with decades of experience, I am much better at translating interactions with "normal" people.

Sometimes too well, as I caught someone today in a lie and instantly pointed it out. Oops.

What should I believe? His dad has told me he wouldn’t lie. His mom told me he never loved those girls. I know I’m the first girl he’s lived with and stuff...I just don’t know if I believe I’m his first love even though he says I am.