Why does he keep taking her back?

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There's been an ongoing saga with my BIL breaking up with his gf then taking her back.

She's cheated on him several times including with his best friend.
She neglects and abuses their children, and leeches money from their bank accounts.
Doesn't cook, nor do any housework.
Their house is absolutely filthy and packed to the rafters with crap.
Tells lies constantly.
She cut her hours at work so she could do her hobbies and expects him to pay for them.
Has called the police on him saying he was abusing her when he was at his mother's house at the time.
She's jealous and controlling of him.

Why the hell does he keep taking her back?
I'm at a loss.

Because men are told by everyone that they are lucky to have anyone at all.

Thinks that children need their mother? That he couldn’t raise them on his own?

She doesn't even want the children.
Doesn't feed them, wash their clothes, anything.
She goes out clubbing or goes away for weekends and doesn't give a single s**t about the kids.

try asking someone who knows him well.

^

if your BIL is anything like me, or most aspies, finding any person to have a relationship with is difficult and they tend to stick with the people they already know, rather than pull off the next-to-impossible feat of meeting new people - and risk getting into something even worse.

so we stick to the devils we know. it's familiar.

maybe she's good in the sack. maybe she does good things for him occasionally, intermittently reinforcing, that keeps him hooked.

maybe he feels a sort of obligation to her so powerful he's willing to overlook all the negativity. maybe he craves the rise in social stature that being in a relationship gives you, especially if shes attractive.

there's always a reason.

hopefully this isn't too hard to understand.

Ok, it's just hard being in the middle of this, because I get to hear all the horrible stuff that's going on and how he hates her, then it's all back on again and sweet.

As an Aspie, it's hard to deal with that.
It's like I'm expected to like her when he likes her and hate her when he hates her and it's doing my head on.

Been there before with a girl always complaining about her relationships, only it lead me to think maybe I had a chance. What an idiot I was to believe that.

But yeah, someone familiar is true enough because I’ve stuck it out with people who weren’t really good for my health either. Thankfully never to this extent.

Depends. Maybe he believes she's all he'll ever be able to get, so whenever he inevitably gets lonely he tries his luck with her again.

Because he is an idiot.

Maybe for the same reasons lots of people stay in abusive relationships.

There is an offensive slang term related to this that has nothing to do with being flogged with the carcass of a female feline.

why?



i think this is very likely.



shut

Yep.

The sex must be mind blowing.

Raleigh I ask myself the same thing every time my mom gets back together with her psycho ex husband.

I just don't understand people who choose to be in relationships like that when they have the option to leave.

IMO they both should be charged with child abuse and neglect - she for doing it, and he for letting it happen.

If it's about sex, some sex worker would probably do a better job, for less money and the children would be fed, washed and taken care off.

I have held space for people in abusive relationships (there are levels, like a spectrum, not all abuse leaves visible marks). I have been in them. Both spaces do a number on your head. It's hard to care about someone and watch them keep going back to a situation that obviously causes huge problems. Then you know you'll need to be there and be supportive when it all falls apart again... which it will. It's just as hard to remember the good things about someone you really do truly love and want to forgive them even when they are completely awful to you. It's easy to make excuses for the bad behavior when reminded of the good things, especially when you are alone and lonely.

The best I can say is just be there and be honest. It's ok to say this keeps happening, please take care of yourself and your kids. It's ok to say, I know you miss her but remember everything that has happened and don't let yourself romanticize the good over the reality of the bad. It is ok to say, I know you two are back together now, but it's hard for me to forget the way she treated you and I'm afraid you will be hurt again. However, if it's a family thing and the BIL won't take honesty well it is also ok to politely avoid the subject if at all possible...