Equal Value In Relationships

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Now I don't agree with everything Stefan Molyneux says, and my political positions are markedly different, but I think he's spot-on when it comes to relationships. The general idea is for a relationship to work, the couple need to bring roughly equal value to a relationship. For instance, an 8/10 looks wise is going to generally seek out an 8/10 or higher, and when they do date someone lower than an 8, it's generally because that person under 8 adds value to the relationship in other ways that compensate for them being less good-looking than their partner. A classic example of this is a stunning young woman dating an unattractive older man. In that situation, most people will assume that the man must be financially well-off, or sometimes that he's well-endowed, and a lot of the time they're right, because an attractive young woman can get a better partner, so the man must offer value in other ways to keep her around. It's not an awfully hard concept to grasp.

Yes, but what is her view of "better"? Could it not actually be that older guy? Certainly looks, lifestyle, and earning are all factors, but the world is not just material. It's material experienced through the self, and we all are guided by our personal histories and unconscious drives.

Sometimes people just happen to get on with each other. I bet none of this theorising helps.

I firmly believe that, in order to be in a relationship of any kind (friend/lover/acquaintance), you need to be able to bring something to the table. This can be looks, money, a sense of humor, a refined taste in wine, musical talent, ect. It just needs to be something that can interest another person.

I call it "social capital." If the only thing you can say about yourself is you're "nice," you're not going to get very far. Being "nice" is a bare minimum requirement for forming attachments, and it's like trying to sell a car, and acting as if the fact the brakes work is a huge selling point.

Thus, the question “What can you contribute to a relationship?”

Anyone who wants to be in a relationship needs to develop something more than a pleasant disposition. They need to do more than sit in a bar and smile at everybody. They need to work on themselves and develop their looks, their personalities, their attitudes, their knowledge-bases, their artistic talents, their job skills — in order to attract others, a person needs to be attractive, and the more attractive you are, the better your chances of being in a relationship.

Yes, it really is just that simple.

I strongly disagree with this. Worthwhile relationships don't have the "what can you offer" dimension. It's only the transaction model relationships, also sometimes called "social relationships" that have this.

If you don't have much to offer a partner, you could try to find a partner who doesn't have much to offer too. That's kind of what I did. It's been my experience people who feel they don't have much to offer a partner, have more than they realize. For example my current girlfriend notices qualities in me that I don't really believe I have. She also goes on about how she's not good enough for me or anyone else & that couldn't be further from the truth. There's LOTS of reasons I like her but she just doesn't believe it probably cuz of depression & low self esteem due to various issues.

At least, I never cared about this in girls, and I know for sure that some girls don't care either. Could be that I undervalue myself, but I doubt it. Some people simply are not this shallow and look for other things than matching traits, matching looks or interests.

As an ND, doing this matching only act as a filter that is not necessary and limits the pool of potential partners without any benefit. It's better to use neurotype as a filter than looks, money or interests.

This much is true. Some people thrive on their own misery.

So, how’s your marriage going these days? Lots of joy and mutual support, right?

And we all know who they are.

but i think it's one thing to attract people because you're interesting and cute looking but another to make them stay!! ! a whole different set of skills needs to be brough to the table. things such as - honesty, reliability, loyalty, responsibility etc etc... also not being burden to the other person. relationships are just a minefield of complications and from what I can tell having (also) a more practical approach isn't always bad as the more emotional side will erode with time or get too much.

Well apparently none of that counts for s**t. That's just a worthless "pleasant disposition". I don't understand where people get these checklists of "value" from. When I like somebody it's because I'm attracted to them and appreciate their personality. I don't make sure they tick all these arbitrary boxes.

I get a lot of happiness from my "new" connection. After all, monogamy is not required for happiness.

How is yours going? Lots of passion, or just everyday things?

Every single "worthwhile relationship" I've ever been in had a "what can you offer" dimension. Human relationships don't randomly pop out of nowhere as if by magic; they arise as the direct result of causes and conditions, many (if not most) of which are entirely within my control. As Fnord stated, "...in order to attract others, a person needs to be attractive, and the more attractive you are, the better your chances of being in a relationship." You absolutely must have something to contribute to a relationship (the more the better); otherwise, why would anyone ever risk it? The myriad aspects of attractiveness are not simply "arbitrary boxes" on some "checklist of value"; they are the perfectly legitimate needs, desires, and aspirations people seek to have met in their relationships. If I am uninterested and/or unwilling to meet the needs of others; if I'm not equally willing to put in the hard work of cultivating a relationship side-by-side, if we aren't potentially better together than we are apart, then I'm not going to be "attractive" as a friend, lover, employee; whatever.

Even if it all comes down to "His Money & Her Body", and even if it lasts for only a few minutes, a quid-pro-quo arrangement is an essential part of the relationship.