First time on a dating site, wondering if my idea is correct

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Thank you for any help. I also apologize for the title, I just could not figure out how to word it to make sense.

Well I decided to try and break my cycle and take command of my life and attempt to go after what I want (I’m lost). I am 33, never had a true girlfriend in the sense that is known by most. I am really shy, introvert, the whole aspie deal. Due to my line of work I don’t have any female friends in real life (a few online around the world though). So no girlfriend, only kissed a girl once (embarrassed myself and sucked st it but was a bit better the second time around.... I think). That was back when I was 19. After walking away from that part of my life I just kept to myself, worked hard, and eventually felt so embarrassed by my lack of knowledge and human interaction that I never tried except for one date when I was 26. Also embarrassed by the fact that I still live at home. I decided to do this because I wanted to save money and not be in debt and have retirement savings and own everything. I’ve done that. Plus my parents have some health problems that need help with from time to time, and I had no lady so I might as well save and better myself instead of blowing a lot of money on a house that I only come back to for sleep since I work so much.

So now I get the idea that it’s time to make a change. I care for people and put others before me 99% of the time. Time for me. I want my other half, always have and always will. So I talked with some online friends who all concluded that I needed to try online dating and find a nice aspie girl or one that doesn’t m8nd my quarks. I don’t have any chance to meet them out in the wild due to work.

After some research out in internet land and in here, I decided to sign up on OkCupid. I opted to use the free version because my research indicated that the “likes” feature is mostly bots. But I’m wondering if you have to pay to be able to see if there are women interested in you, or is the free part just enough to string you along to think that there is someone into you? Are there people messaging me and they block that until you pay, or can you still meet someone if they message you the free way? Not even talking about the 1000 plus questions.

I tied some app for aspies, or autism dating but deleted it after it had no reviews, and after widening my search to all of the USA, 26-36, it said that there were only 9 females that met this search parameter.

Now I found autisticdating.net. It’s suposed to be free, I haven’t signed up yet, but I did see someone mention that he was contacted by bots.

Another I just found was aspie-singles.com. I read that they filter out the bots, free for women, and $2 a year for men. Any info?

I also tried posting on here years ago and found 2 people in my town, but were already married lol

Im totally new to this and always hoped that I would find someone naturally, but by 33, ‘to time to step it up and go after my dream. Any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions?

Thank you

-solo

One other question since I know nothing about dating..... how or what do you do if you are dating and ask them if they want to be your girlfriend? It puzzles me, I admit I kinda thought that if you were dating someone, you already were that? I mean multiple, not just one date. I would only date one person at a time, just the way I am. It baffles me on what to say, or when? Any insight into this aspect would be helpful because I don’t know anything apparently

First, there are free datingsites that don't cost anything, with actual people on it and no bots. You have to find them yourself because i only know of Swedish ones. Someone else may help.

About the quoted text:

Ask someone out for a date, that becomes a date.
Ask someone from school/work out for a bit of food, that may be interpreted as being social, and not a date.
Be clear!

As for the dating process:

- Just one date is nothing. I've been on craploads of onetime dates and it does not mean anything.
- More than one date probably means that you are both interested.
- If she calls you or sends email about wanting to meet again, that is a positive signal.
- If she follows you home when you invite her she is interested.
- If she wants to cuddle or stay near you (as in you are both touching) - as in sitting next to each other when you watch movies or something (not even at home, but maybe even in a movie theatre) - she is more than interested.
- If you give her a kiss and she don't run away screaming, that is positive.

At that point you can call yourself boyfriend.

If she wants to touch you during the date for some reason, let her. She wants to see how you react.

Some girls come up with insane questions, and not only to try to throw you off balance, some girls are genuinely INSANE. Do not feel like you have to sit there, just excuse yourself and head home. I was on an awkward date with someone who lied about herself - and i realized it, told her that i was going home to watch a rerun of CSI She probably got the message.

If a girl talks about her ex, like lots, that is a signal that she maybe isn't as free as she sounds.

if a girls keeps talking and talking, but never asks you out - or comes with excuses to not go on a date more than 3 times, she is probably just using you as a shrink or wants attention. Be polite and tell her that "sorry but i lost interest" and need to spend time and energy on serious girls.

Part of dating is to have respect for yourself, if you do not girls will lose respect for you as well as you may seem needy and desperate.

Do note that some girls know each other on dating sites and like - talk and compare dates, don't do anything stupid.

Use the block function if you get some crazy cat lady after you. I got a religious psycho after me once who wanted me to take care of her kids (i HATE children). You do not need to be polite to nutcases, just click BLOCK - and they are out of your life.

Finally, i think you are wasting your life if you only date one person at a time. If you have zero second dates coming up, i'd say it is fine to date more than one girl at a time, you are not cheating anyone.

Good luck.

Most people do date more than 1 person at a time to start, and then narrow it down based on sucess and mutual interest.

I totally understand the aspie inclination to date one person at a time. I try really hard to fight this habit in myself. But after 3 dates if we still like each other, I'm more than happy to call it exclusive.

It can be rough out there, expect some heartbreak and take time to make yourself feel better when needed.
Good luck!
I hope you find your perfect lady

Thank you both for your feedback, I feel so dumb not knowing what everyone else does. I can definitely see some screwups in my future due to this.

As far as dating multiple people at once, I will be honest, I was being generous and hopeful if there is one at a time. So far I’ve basically come across people who are married, or in open relationships looking to add another to their list. So I have zero interest in any of that.

I do have respect for myself. I went out with one girl back when I was 26. Took her a month of flirting with me and me to grow some balls to ask her out to lunch. Went great. We would text for hours at night and made plans to go to a museum. All plans are finalized and I’m already driving to pick her up and 10-15 mins before I’m at her door she texts me and decides that she is going tomhang out with someone else. Then did that again a second time. She got really angry when I called her a brat, or to,d her that she needs to grow up and act like an adult, something along those lines. I guess women don’t like that lol.

What I also don’t understand (assuming I ever get to this point) is how you ask them. Do you say, “do you want to be my girlfriend?” Or ask, “what are your thoughts on being exclusive? I really like you”. I don’t know how to go about that. This is all alien to me. I assume it would be easier if I was with an aspie woman, but I doubt that I will find one of those. Don’t even get me started on not knowing how to kiss since I haven’t done that since I was 19 and was horrible at it then. I assume I will get dropped right away for that one. I think this will be a nasty battle to even get to where I should have been in high school.

Then I need to figure out this OkCupid deal, if they fake people liking you until you pay something, or if there is a way to meet someone while using the free version. I’ve heard of people using it free and the website saying that 5 people like you but you need to pay to find out. Then they pay and the likes end up not being real at all.

Thank you for everything

-solo

Well, "do you want to be my girlfriend" is fine, if you are 14. The latter "what are your thoughts on being exclusive" is much adult and better, but only after you've been on a couple of dates. And don't nag.

Kissing is easy, just put your lips on her. Just do a quick suction with your lips for a second. If you feel her tounge in your mouth, then she REALLY like you - be prepared to remove your pants

Just try to do what comes naturally. Don't do or say anything stupid. A girlfriend should be someone you like spending time with, just like a friend, but one you have sex with and cuddle with too.

If you want to know something about her, why she behaves a certain way or what she expects from you - here is a secret: *Ask her* Women dig communications.

If you have some sort of fetish or something, you may want to keep it under wraps until you has had a relationship for a while and segway slowly into it. I do the opposite though, i tell girls on my dating profile that Converse and feet makes my penis hard

I think for most people a relationship just happens, if you are a normal person and go on dates, eventually you'll find yourself going out with someone and the whole exclusive thing is implied without words. Sometimes it feels like the neurotypical people i know just walk out the door and ends up with someone, as if they went to some sort of girlfriend store.

Free OkC will show you mutual Likes. All those profiles that say "I can't see likes, message me!" are by members who I guess either aren't Liking any/many profiles, or haven't had a match yet so they don't realise how it works.

When you Like someone who Likes you, OkC will tell you who they are. Your messages will be in each other's inboxes, if you send any.

You can still send someone a message if they haven't Liked you. If they come across your profile while browsing, one of your photos will be a blue box that says you've sent them a message. They can open it, read it, and reply to it (I think they have to Like you first for the last bit). And vice versa of course for all of this paragraph.

In fact, if you Like someone, OkC will encourage you to contact them with an annoying pop-up. And if it's a mutual Like it will excitedly tell you with a less annoying pop-up (less annoying because it's nice to know, hehe). And you can go into the Who You Like section to see the full list of matches (apart from those you've already started messaging).

This is all in the app, by the way, not the desktop site. I dunno how that works these days.

Have fun and good luck