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Trying to understand

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SusieQC
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21 Jan 2019, 6:15 pm

I am new and I hope this is okay to ask. I am trying to understand my boyfriend. I have not previously dated someone on the autism spectrum and my boyfriend is not officially diagnose but recognizes it in himself and has said so. I recently needed help with something rather urgent - something that in the past I could have asked a boyfriend and he would have rushed to help me without a second thought about it - not viewed it as an inconvenience, but rather with the thinking of "hey, this is my girlfriend and she needs help and since she is important to me and her safety matters to me, I am going to go to her and help her." This entire concept seems very unfamiliar to my boyfriend. He demonstrated no concern my needs or safety or that the issue was affecting my job. (note: he is not employed so I was not asking him to leave work to help me) Is this something that someone on the spectrum may have a hard time understanding? Is this related to any challenges with empathy/sympathy that I have read may affect individuals on the spectrum. Any insights would be very much appreciated. Thank you.



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21 Jan 2019, 7:55 pm

SusieQC wrote:
This entire concept seems very unfamiliar to my boyfriend. He demonstrated no concern my needs or safety or that the issue was affecting my job.

I guess this has nothing to do with Aspergers. It's rather the way that he is.

SusieQC wrote:
Is this something that someone on the spectrum may have a hard time understanding?

Depends but I think not. There are also people who pretend being on the spectrum to use this as an excuse for asocial behaviour.

SusieQC wrote:
Is this related to any challenges with empathy/sympathy.

I think most of the aspies a rather nice and helpful but may have problems to understand emotional intentions and feelings of other people. This doesn't mean that aspies are unable to understand social problems or to support friends who are in trouble except they are so deep on the autism spectrum that they can't even care for themself without support. But this you would know.


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kraftiekortie
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21 Jan 2019, 11:24 pm

What did you need help with?



SusieQC
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21 Jan 2019, 11:34 pm

@kraftiekortie I am trying to figure out if this is behavior that can be attributed to my bf being on the spectrum or if is just unkind and/or uncaring behavior. Looking for insight/opinions/experiences. Thank you.



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22 Jan 2019, 7:34 am

SusieQC wrote:
@kraftiekortie I am trying to figure out if this is behavior that can be attributed to my bf being on the spectrum or if is just unkind and/or uncaring behavior. Looking for insight/opinions/experiences. Thank you.


I imagine it's a bit hard to answer this question not knowing what it was you were asking for. What's urgent to one person may not be to another.

It may also help to know the way in which you worded the request. (and I say this as the partner of an Aspie). For example, if you said "Hey I have a flat tire" that's not a request, that's a statement. If instead you said, "I have a flat tire and I need you to come out here immediately to help me change it because I need to get to an appointment for my job asap" that's more of a declaration of the problem and a request for help.

I'm not saying that's what happened but that as an example gives us more of an idea of what happened to help the reader possibly understand someone's behavior.


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kraftiekortie
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22 Jan 2019, 8:54 am

In my opinion, Asperger's is not an excuse for jerk behavior.

But you, the OP, haven't really spoke about the nature of his behaviors, thereby making it difficult to offer you an assessment of it, or any advice.

I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm just trying to say that it would be nice if you would provide us with illustrative examples of this behavior.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 22 Jan 2019, 9:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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22 Jan 2019, 9:02 am

The best case is that he is clueless and actually needs to be taught everything.

Or, he could be a jerk.

The first is fixable. The second is not.



Jake6238
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22 Jan 2019, 12:09 pm

SusieQC wrote:
Is this related to any challenges with empathy/sympathy that I have read may affect individuals on the spectrum. Any insights would be very much appreciated. Thank you.


Just an important point of clarity, people on the spectrum generally don't have issues with feeling empathy, it's more a problem of expressing empathy. So your boyfriend may not have expressed empathy for your situation but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't feel empathetic.


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exy34
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24 Jan 2019, 1:16 pm

I am sharing "Velociraptor" opinion.



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24 Jan 2019, 5:00 pm

SusieQC wrote:
I am new and I hope this is okay to ask. I am trying to understand my boyfriend. I have not previously dated someone on the autism spectrum and my boyfriend is not officially diagnose but recognizes it in himself and has said so. I recently needed help with something rather urgent - something that in the past I could have asked a boyfriend and he would have rushed to help me without a second thought about it - not viewed it as an inconvenience, but rather with the thinking of "hey, this is my girlfriend and she needs help and since she is important to me and her safety matters to me, I am going to go to her and help her." This entire concept seems very unfamiliar to my boyfriend. He demonstrated no concern my needs or safety or that the issue was affecting my job. (note: he is not employed so I was not asking him to leave work to help me) Is this something that someone on the spectrum may have a hard time understanding? Is this related to any challenges with empathy/sympathy that I have read may affect individuals on the spectrum. Any insights would be very much appreciated. Thank you.


I think the concept of a guy needing to defend his gfs honor is pretty alien to many aspies, but not the concept of protecting her from dangers or helping her with things. Which means that we need to know the situation better to be able to make a educated guess.