Autistic dating, who was in the wrong?

Post Reply New Topic

The autistic guy in his early 20s who takes depression/autism meds:


-stayed in an abusive relationship b/c his mother "forced him to" and he was an adult.

-said in the past, he stayed in a relationship where he knew he was goign to be cheated on because he was "convinced by the girl to stay while she cheated"

-said he did a bank overdraft, when questioned weeks later about it by a friend who wanted to help by donating money, he denied it ever happened and wondered if they were talking about something months ago. He claims he has no memory problems.

-justifying dating the 12 years old female while 16 years old because he "dated her to cheer her up from a death in her family" and he wanted to wait until she was 18 to do things, but she pressured him to make out.

-admitted to flirting to deal with depression. When questioned why he stopped flirting with this girl, he said he only liked her when he was depressed, stopped liking her when he was happier.

She felt offended that she was only flirted with to alleviate his depression and he said it was "done with no malice" and only apologized because he made her feel bad, not because it was wrong in his opinion.

When he flirted, he said things like "I'll think about dating you, I thought about introducing you to my mother."

She talked to him for months. She asked him if he was still interested in her and he said "Why would I not be?" She talked to him but he progressively started to flake out on her more.

Finally she asked him why he stopped flirting and he finally said he uses it to deal with depression and wants to say he still only does it with girls he likes but he likes so many girls on some level it's not worth saying.

She asked him again and he said he liked her but only when depressed. She explained that that meant he may not have truly liked her, only used her to fill a void, but he denied this.

She asked him again why she is not worth liking when happy and he explained she had psychological issues and communications issues. She communicates well with most people except a few and the autistic person was one of them. He became happier when he got a good paying job.

She said "but you said there was nothing wrong that I did and I didn't make you unhappy."

He said "Who you are is not what you did wrong."

She asked him why he only half explains things, only explains when asked, never letting her know up front he lost interest in her and he had no response except "Well that's why we're here now right?"

She said "you have a low self esteem to let these things happen to you, no one forced you into any relationship, you let it happen, who you love, who you attract says something about you."

Said she didn't feel safe around someone like him due to his memory problems and actions that can hurt others regardless of his intentions like flirting to deal with depression and other questionable coping techniques. She said he should seek medical help.

The autistic guy said she has phobia and paranoia problems due to feeling unsafe around him and suggesting he should seek medical help. He said he will not get help.

She said she has no phobia or paranoia, she just felt worried for him.

He immediately said she was passing the blame onto others.

Do you think my friend's concerns about him are being paranoid? I think he is a well adjusted person for the most part. He has a nice job so he can't be all bad.

Do you think he is looking down on her or not? I am concerned for her well being. What can we say to this guy? Was she right to feel the way she did? I don't know what to say in this situation.

Reliable work has nothing to do with sanity but this doesn't seem like it would be too difficult to work out.

How do we work this out?

What do I say to her? What do I say to him?

I'm not about to claim to know any of you but that sounds like passive aggression on the guy's part, just something some people do. It has nothing to do with how somebody thinks, just means they're disrespectul. Some of them check themselves on it, some don't. At least this guy is somewhat aware of the tension he brought about.

That's all I reccomend you say to either of them. Flirting can be good for anybody if they've had a bad day so this guy should either abandon his aversion to normal small talk or find another socially fulfilling passtime so he stops messing with girls' heads. Nothing wrong with flirting if one stays positive & friendly. I mean, would you rather he just ignored everyone? I deal with that from my family a lot, that's serious passive-aggression. Your scenario is kinda goofy from that standpoint TBH. Be glad it's not some bonkers deep-rooted family dysfunction thing.

Autism meds? Lol might wanna check your facts - nothing I'm aware of has been pharmacologically developed to do anything but shut us up..

I wonder why he is acting this way. that's so sad. He says he is always upfront and honest and he usually is. What do you think brought on the passive aggression? It happened after she questioned him.

But happened before she suggested psych help, said he used others to fill void, had low self esteem.

He takes abilify that's all we know.

Do you think this guy needs medical help like others think he does? He recently stopped sending an ex of his 600 dollars in gifts per month because of "romantic deprivation" and he casually told her. He said he had a codependent bond with her and tried to sever it by buying a car.

She asked if he could be romantic with her instead and he said "I don't have a codependency with you." even though unhealthy relationships are about codependency.

Do you think she was right to feel unsafe?

It's understandable why she feels the way she does. I don't think he's ready for a relationship till he works out some of his issues.

How your friend feels is right according to her own persona. This guy clearly has a fair bit of cash to throw around so that says to me he sees an absence of codependency as a plus. He meant he's glad to be past that. He was trying to drop a hint to take things one day @ a time.

Guys get embattled too. All three of you should just kick it & enjoy the good company.

That's not really our call...

Anyone who dates solely to soothe their self-esteem issues is very dangerous and no such relationship should be formed with them, ever.

That's pretty harsh... The guy didn't say that's the ONLY reason, OP never mentioned him being violent and he's generous enough to buy someone a CAR. You've gotta have more respect for people than to instigate in other people's lives on the internet. I know you do.

No relationship should be formed with them ever? You're suggesting solitary confinement man... Isn't this forum supposed to be a sort of middle ground? Seems to me a combination of money & isolation has been confusing this dude for some time now.

Sorry I just don't buy that you're any good at profiling.

No he bought HIMSELF a new car out of necessity to sever his romantic dependency with someone. (sorry I didn't make that clear.) He was dependent on his ex for good feelings whenever he gave her money and gifts. He still feels pain over break ups years ago back in high school. I don't know if that is normal. He says none of the pain ever goes away. Is that normal? I don't feel that way and neither does my friend so we don't know how we stand with the rest of the population.

He isn't violent from what we know but he does skip his abilify doses and takes them like once a week. He says with this dosage he still gets to keep his persona. He takes the meds right before the very negative mental problems come out like a bad attitude+homicidal+suicidal attitude.

I really do agree with 886 since strangers and even close friends of this guy said the same but they could be wrong. I feel inclined to side with them but I don't know... this guy is one confusing person. He is very nice and polite from what we see, makes some over the top offensive jokes sometimes like about abortion and Paris attacks though. But it's sad to see him act somewhat mean to this girl. Makes me want to question his exes. Oh well at least he never asked this nice girl out

I think he needs platonic relationships for now. Romantic relationships are not the only relationships so solitary confinement isn't the answer but good friends are before he can be mature enough for relationships of romance. He also said he likes people with a younger mindset and feels threatened by women his age or older because they have responsibilities he feels he can't meet like drinking. (he didn't mention anything else other than that so far.)

thanks everyone for responding so respectfully and in a tolerant manner.

Oh thanks for specifying - perhaps considering his mention of alcohol & the weird drug side effects, some of these troubles could arise from Rx medication that wasn't adequately explained to him or was incorrrectly prescribed. Most people on antidepressants say they had to examine the efficacy & risks of several different meds before finding a solution. I know I feel pretty neutral about my dates in HS, one breakup I had I thought was a first date - lulz whatever...

Beyond that all I can really point out is that no drug can cover everyhing you outlined here, the dude's gotta learn from somebody that you two are less depressing than predicating his emotions on pills.

maybe you missed the part where OP said he dated someone 12?

I'd say OP might have a tough time finding anybody with a frame of reference for that.

Well he won't tell us everything but I know you can't drink alcohol while on abilify, and young adults who don't drink alcohol in social settings are considered outcasts.

He says he doesn't want children, maybe that is what he meant by not being able to meet responsibilities of people his age.

He dated someone 12 when he was 16 though. Don't you think it's wrong? He still feels threatened by women his age or older.

He has a pretty negative outlook on life, he likes to tell others almost randomly how others said he was "too nice to date" Seems to not put as much effort into cheering up others when they are feeling bad when he became happier with a new job but when he was jobless he was more eager to please others. Don't know if any of this helps.

[double post]

Last edited by cberg on 24 Dec 2015, 5:20 am, edited 1 time in total.