Having a Relationship With a NT

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I may lose my boyfriend. People been getting in my head, not just people from WP. Maybe he’s right I don’t trust him completely, but how can you really really trust someone on the internet? It’s not my fault if things pop in my head & confuse me soooo much, it’s my Aspergers I guess, I can be very sensitive. He said he knows about Aspergers, but everyone with Aspergers are different, there are different levels, different people act differently, nobody is the same. I wish I can explain things better to him, I don’t want to lose him.

How do other people here handle relationships with a NT?

The issue in your relationship isn't necessarily that he is NT and you are ND. The bigger issue is that you have never met this person and he lives on another continent. You would (and should) second guess any partner under those circumstances whether the person was NT or not. If he is asking or expecting you to "trust him completely" when he has taken no steps to meet you, something is amiss. There are people I've known for my whole life who I don't trust "completely", or even half-ways.

How could you possibly trust someone "completely" when they've done nothing to earn that trust? Has he come to meet you to determine your level of autism for himself? (NO). Has he come to meet you to demonstrate that he's invested in the relationship to the exclusion of others? (NO). Has he done anything to prove his integrity in person, over a long period of time? (NO -- because you just 'met' this guy a few weeks ago, and your whole opinion of him rests on what he tells you. You can't judge him for yourself since you haven't even met him).

He wants you to think it's your fault for not trusting him. He doesn't want it to be his fault that he may not be trustworthy. He's avoiding responsibility because he never stepped up to meet you or to prove his dedication. He's deflecting blame. He thinks he can "blame you" for not trusting him because you are autistic. He wants you to believe you are likely to have incorrect patterns of perception because of your neurodiversity. In reality he's the one with incorrect patterns of perception. He doesn't understand your autism and he downplays this by saying "everyone is different". He exploits your neurodiversity by suggesting that any problems in the relationship are your fault / attributed to your lack of understanding and ultimately because of your autism.

If he was truly interested in a committed relationship he would have come to meet you by now, Kitty. Don't let him say he can't afford it or whatever. If he can't afford to visit you then he'll never be able to visit you, and he shouldn't be messing with your head.

Sorry for the long rant, but I hate that he blames you for his shortcomings and the failures of his cyber relationship.

^

Kitty- What does he want from you or what does he want you to do?

It’s simple. The guy is in no position to make demands on you—especially since you haven’t even met the guy.

Do you demand that he not speak with other women?

We had a big fight about people getting in my head & about my Aspergers, he said he knows about it, cuz he read about Aspergers everyday & he talks to people & ask them questions, he also said I should be improving. I told him everybody with Aspergers are different, they are not the same, there are different levels, he believes the people over me. I love it that he wants to learn about Aspergers on his own, he also need to come to the person that has Aspergers & ask me questions.

I don't trust anything anyone said to me in a context of relationship stuff (like chatting on a dating site) until I've met and confirmed the whole thing with the person. Until then, it's a theoretical case of the person maybe being whoever she says she is.

Kitty please take this into account. This is a man you have only been communicating with for a few weeks who has made a lot of claims that you can't verify. He is now telling you you can't have male friends, telling you he knows more about your condition than you do, and I saw a post a few weeks ago where you said you "needed" to ship something to him via FedEx.

This man is very likely a con who is trying to manipulate you.

If I were you I would stop all communication with him.

I know you want to be in a relationship but sometimes we want something so badly that a con artist can take advantage of us and sell us something that isn't really real.

Can he join WP and post here? I would like to have a little conversation with this guy.

The most common attributes for people on the spectrum include:

Weak Inference skills (difficulty making judgments about situations, without clear evidence)
Weak Theory of Mind (difficulty understanding other people, their motivations and their intentions)
Poor Non-Verbal Communication (difficulty reading people's eyes, understanding their gestures -- e.g., on Skype)
Being too trusting (not believing that other people can lie or trick us)
Alexithymia (not understanding our own feelings or instincts, and not knowing how to express those feelings)
Being naïve (easily conned, manipulated, fooled, tricked, misled)
Obsession (this can include being obsessed with other people, or idealising them as perfect when they aren't)
Loneliness (wanting someone to love us and understand us, even if they might not be the right person)

I just thought I'd remind you of this information, Kitty. This is why so many members are expressing concerns for your situation. Any one of us would be at risk entering a cyber-relationship with a stranger from half a world away. Many of us have been tricked, conned, exploited, raped, robbed or otherwise used by people who sense we are easy targets.

I really hope that you will NOT meet this person alone. I advise that you take one or two friends or family members with you. Perhaps even take a man with you (a friend or relative), both for his opinion and for his protection. Do not go to the hotel at all EVER and do not invite him to your home. I wouldn't even disclose my address. Your meetings should be public for his entire stay in California. If the relationship goes well and you want to take things to a more intimate level then wait until he's gone home and you can reflect on all your feelings privately.

Please do not send this guy money or gifts.
Don't discuss how much money you might have or not have.
Don't let him know how fond you are of him.

Please keep us informed and please listen to us. We don't want to be negative but we all have experiences which you admit you haven't had. You claim to be a pretty woman and I'm sure you are very sweet. I really wish you could meet someone closer to home through a normal, face-to-face interaction.

@Boo, I was thinking the same thing. If he is trying to learn about Aspergers like he says, it's funny he hasn't come here. Who else would he be asking? Does he have hoards of ASD friends to question?