Boyfriend doesn't believe I am autistic

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I have been dating a man who has rapid cycling bipolar 1 (recently off medication) whose previous relationship was with a covert narcissist. I have suspected I am autistic for a couple years but can't afford a diagnosis. I have taken a lot of autism tests online and have read books, blogs, forums, and articles about adult females with autism and I feel like they are the only thing that describes who I am and how I function. I'm saving money to get a diagnosis as soon as I can. I've shared all the material I found with my boyfriend so he can understand how I think and feel, including difficulties in showing emotions, flat affect, sensory problems leading to meltdowns, etc. He has seemed receptive to it and has said he can see a lot of autistic traits in me, and at times is supportive. Other times, he takes a lot of things personally. Here's an example if something that happened yesterday.

We woke up later than we planned, and we had to rush out the door to bring our dog to the dog park, hike, and then go on a photo trip together (he takes portrait photography and I model). He can be very grumpy in the morning, especially if he is running late, and I try to be patient because I know he has difficulty regulating emotions. He was nitpicking things I was doing to try to get ready because I wasnt going fast enough, and other things that had nothing to do with getting ready, like some things being out of place in our bedroom. I was getting overwhelmed trying to organize my thoughts and making sure everything was being done the right way, as well as dealing with sensory issues like feeling sick, a headache, and loud noises caused by him, my clothes, my shoes not being tied in an even tightness, worrying about social interactions of the day, loud noises caused by the front door and the car, and I started feeling panicked and overwhelmed. He told me a criticism about something in the car that I didnt understand and I asked him to explain, but my voice sounded upset because I was hyperventilating and he said I was just like his ex because I cant take criticism without getting mad. I started crying and couldnt contain myself and started having a meltdown which includes intense crying and hitting myself and rocking, and he told me he didnt want that energy around him and forbade me from joining him, saying I ruined yet another day off. He said I was trying to manipulate him with my emotional outburst.

I tried to explain why I felt overwhelmed, and that it wasnt because I was angry with him. I was trying to regulate and felt overwhelmed, but he saw that as an excuse and that I'm just like his ex who was constantly out to get him.

I feel really confused and alone. This kind of thing happens a lot, and I feel like if I had a diagnosis he would believe me and be more supportive. I apologize that this post is somewhat rambling...I would appreciate any sort of advice

Sorry you two had a bad day.

I doubt a diagnosis will help with making him more aware of your needs.

A diagnoses is needed to figure out what may be wrong with you, but you already know that.

Most people wouldn't believe, even your parents.

So don't take it personal against him.

I wouldn't fully believe that anyone was autistic unless they had been officially diagnosed. Otherwise, it's just "Maybe they are, and maybe they aren't".

By the way, welcome aboard!

You don’t need a diagnosis for your experiences to be valid and to expect people to respect your needs. Living with a bipolar can be hard because one trait very frequently tends to be a general selfishness and lack of awareness of others’ needs. I would suggest bringing up your feelings on the situation with your boyfriend and see how he responds. He may not be capable of accepting your feelings as valid, in which case it’s worth examining the relationship and how much effort you’re willing to put into maintaining it.

During a time when you’re both calm, I suggest explaining to him, without mentioning autism, what your experiences are (anxiety, overwhelm, panic, etc.) and what you need him to do (and not do) to support you. The rest will be up to him.

I suspect his body and emotions are still on high alert from dealing with his ex. Overly emotional responses to things in you will trigger him to go into self defense mode.

All the explaining in the world won't quash that knee jerk desire to protect himself.

I say this as someone with a mother who has emotional issues. I will always be on edge. Always alert to the subtle signs of meltdowns and be ready to high tail it out of there.

What do you need in a situation where you are overwhelmed? Can you tell him that.

Totally what Star Trekker says. I get that your experience yesterday, Whitney, w/him was just one day and we'd probably need more context know how often this is happening, the degree of severity, etc. And ok, he's bipolar, which I know next to nothing about so I'll try not to be too judgemental in what I'm about to say. But you're already being understanding of his feelings, his habits, you seem to be aware about some of what sets him off (in his view, when he's upset anyway). What about your needs and feelings, accommodating you, putting himself in your shoes? I'm probably jumping the gun, but some of his reactions (depending on how often they happen and the severity) almost sound borderline abusive, at least verbally. And possibly gaslighting. That's not healthy and he clearly needs to work on himself.

You also say in your post that he stopped taking medication. Why? If he has a shrink, was that their recommendation or decision, or his? Either way, since he's stopped taking meds, have outbursts like yesterday's from him become more common, more intense, more critical of you? Part of being a real bf is not chastising your partner if she's having a meltdown, hyperventilating or hitting herself, that should be a no-brainer, at least it is to me.

Anyway, Star Trekker's advice is probably more useful than what I've said. Try talking to him about all this stuff when you're both calm. If he's receptive and willing to work on himself too and follows through on it, that's a good sign. Otherwise, yes maybe you should re-examine your relationship. Whatever happens, good luck!

This ^^^

I also wonder why he went off meds... I have known a few BPD, and they usually rely on meds to stabilize their emotions....

Why is he off medication? Will he get back on medication, or possibly a different medication, or a different dosage?

For people with mood disorders, medication can make a HUGE difference in their ability to function in a relationship. (I know this from personal experience in my relationship with my boyfriend, who takes Prozac for depression.) One of the symptoms of untreated mood disorders, especially in men, is the kind of extreme irritability you've described.