trying to figure out what it means to love

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When I asked my brother how he defined love he told me: It is an everchanging interpersonal relationship that combines the trust of the past, emotional connection of the present, and hope for each other’s collective future.

To me, however, it's about the way someone makes you feel. The way in which they look at you, the way you know each other to the core and make sacrifices to make the other happy. I don't think it can really be defined at all. It's just a feeling.

Does anyone have any opinions on this? I get that it's different for everyone. But I feel like there has to be commonalities right?

Love certainly is a feeling and not a negotiation about a possible future.

Discussing the possible future is more than right if you want to spend your life together

Love has many dimensions, many facetes. There are butterflies in your stomach and there is silent, calm comfort. There is giving and there is taking. There is "us" over "me" and there is conflict handling.

Smarter people said a lot and they couldn't say all.

My view is more that if love is strong enough it will lead to wanting to spend the future together, and so no need to negotiate that. If that doesn't happen naturally then it is not true love, more like an arrangement.

I think love is defined on what you think it is. In my definition it is when people have a love for your personality and lifestyle. Maybe it’s similar than there’s or just interesting to them.
I do want to say that love is something that people are wanting long term relationship.

"Wanting to spend future together" leaves a lot of free parameters. In what place? City or countryside? Aboard? Moving a lot or growing deep roots in one place? Children? If yes, how many? What will we do with our ageing parents?

I think some people focus too much on "how they make you feel" when defining love.

Love can't just be about feeling good. We should all be able to feel good about ourselves even when we're alone.

I think the focus should be the other person's attributes (e.g., "I really admire this other person's character, and their personal qualities or values..."), instead of "They make me feel like a beautiful and incredible person". Love shouldn't be so "me-based".

Actually, spending the future together could mean a lot of things. It's not necessarily living in the same appartment in a typical relationship. It can mean anything from just being close daily to always being together. It's up to those involved to decide and agree on.

Yes. Don't you think both parties should discuss their expectations?

Love without feelings just isn't worthwhile. True love will make you feel like you are together even when you are alone. That might be the best definition.

Oh, definitely!
Am I in true love with my nightmares and toxic person of the past?

You make a good point there!

I think expectations and requirements should be avoided as they can easily kill a good love story. Long lists with requirements and expectations are for creating a more manageable dating pool when you have too many potential partners. If you already are in love with somebody requirements and expectations makes no sense. I think you should sort interests in three categories: Those you share, those you could pick up on and those you would let your partner pursue herself. You can then share activites in the two first categories.

In my native language, "being/falling in love" (initial stages) and "love" (continuus state) are two separate words.
It helps sort out some concepts.

I think in English they are called infatuation and attachment. They are not as separate as we might think or like, rather in the natural state infatuation is replaced with attachment in a gradual process.

Also note that neurodiverse people typically have stronger infatuations and that there is a stronger link between a strong infatuation and a strong attachment for neurodiverse people. Which essentially means that long term stable relationships more often began as strong infatuations among neurodiverse people.

Last edited by rdos on 19 Apr 2019, 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Indeed, infatuation. The Polish word isn't so obscure.
You don't choose it but you can choose to follow it or not. This is where some reason can enter.
Like the question I always asked myself: are we capable of forming a healthy and stable long-term relationship? If the answer was no, I didn't give the infatuation a chance.
Why? Because I didn't want to hurt myself and others with unhealthy relationships and I knew I had huge capability of forming them.