Confusion

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Hi,
My name is Miyah first of all. And I am writting with a few things to say about a situation with an aspie that I know, and I have met in person before. I have known him for three years and I have a crush on him. We even chat online, and he supposedly likes me. But the way he acts around me whenever we get together really really hurts. I went to a sci-fi convetion last memorial day weekend he was there. I was looking forward to spending sometime gettinng to know him. And we only got together twice for an hour and a half for a few days. As he spent most of his time playing Dungeons and Dragons. One of my other friends met him and thought he was too spacey to even notice that I was in the picture. She told me that he is a jerk and a waste of time. And yet I still have strong feelings toward someone who ignores me from playing too much D&D. What do I do?

Join him in the next game.

Agreed. The best way to be with a gamer...is to go gaming with him, assuming you take at least a little bit of interest in it. If you're not the gaming type, you should probably ask him to do stuff with you (he is an Aspie, right?). If he is an Aspie, asking him directly is the best way because most Aspies cannot read nonverbal cues and understand nonverbal communication. It's like hearing a Japanese news report when you only understand Italian.

Asking him to do stuff with you directly is a win-win situation: you get your point across, and you also avoid being frustrated by possibly not getting an answer soon enough.

Perhaps you come on too strong. A lot of guys are turned off by girls that they don't have to pursue, especially early in a relationship. if so, I'd suggest waiting for him to initiate some of your future plans. Take your mind off him (easier said than done) and he'll eventually notice.

Of course, without knowing him or you, it's hard to say. He may just be weird, intimidated by girls, really into D&D, or not all that into you. I'd suggest simply asking him what he thinks of you, but I doubt that you'll get a straight answer.

Trust me,
I've tried that. He has told my other friend that he does have feelings for me, but is too cowardly to even tell me. He might not be that into me, but I am glad to have a friend. And that's fine. I like your idea of not coming on too strong. And he is way into D&D, and sort of uses it as an escape from a lot of priorities that he has already committed to. Maybe he chickened out on me last year. I don't know. But here's the confusing part. He tells my friend as well as his that he has feelings for me, and then he tells other friends of mine he doesn't know the opposite. And then I have my other friends who only met him for 5 seconds that and told me that he's mean. And then she told me aunt and now my aunt has been questioning him for a year now. So the whole situation is very confusing.

Ok, what I'm going to say might not make you happy. If someone likes you and hasn't seen you in a long time, they will not ignore you for a video game when they finally see you. Yeah, someone with AS is going to need a lot more space than most people and they might be playing that video game during that time alone, but if they like you they will make time for you that doesn't include the game.

I dated a guy earlier in the year who ignored me to play WOW while I was over at his house. That should have been a huge wake up call to me, but sometimes I can be a bit slow in deciphering signals like that. This guy also sounds very inconsistent from what you say. Trust me, there's nothing worse for an Aspie than trying to have a romantic relationship with someone who's inconsistent.

Forget him and move on. Life is too short to waste on losers like this.

Forget him and move on. Life is too short to waste on losers like this.[/quote]

Amen sister,
this aspie is a looser. He's so cowardly, he even chickens out on getting the right job. And he had a degree in mechanical engineering, and he acts like the world's biggest dumb dumb. (lol). For me, once I like a guy, it's really really hard to let go once I have gotten to know one that I think likes me back. I have always had it that way. I ended up crying at the sci-fi convention for a week, after my friend told me what he had done. And I think you're right, he didn't call me after that night. And I spent the nesxt entire day alone at Dragon Con, and had a great time until I ran into him. And I felt depressed right after that. And I cried my heart out last year. And he was a mean too. I invited him to my birthday to play pool an aspie support group, and he had the nerve to flirt with another girl right in front of me. (It totally tore me in two). What a major dweeb.

Wow. This all sounds like it happened so
long ago, why were you looking for advice?

Miyah, let me ask you a question though - what makes you think he's your type? I know you have feelings for him, I'm sure you're feeling a connection with him at some level, but if you can work your way through that and give yourself a good straight-forward answer on that I think you'll better understand what you have to do.

With someone like him, I wish I could give better advice but I'd have to meet him, meet you, and see whats really at work (and yeah, that's not really practical). With him playing AD&D it could be a couple things - either shyness and him trying to do something just so he doesn't have to show it, or alternately he may not really get the idea of what relationships are about or what he should be showing you just so you don't feel like all your efforts are in vain.

Overall if its shyness you'll find that trust is something that a lot of aspie guys have had a lot of trouble with just because it gets to be a repetitive pattern - they open themselves up, they get burned, they open themselves up again, they get burned again, it can only go on for so long before they draw the connection that if they open themselves up and get burned - pfff, what were they expecting? I hate to say it but I think the only way to break a guy's shell down at that point is for him to realize for certain that you aren't like everyone else, that you won't flake out, he needs to not only have that trust cerebrally planted but he needs to feel it.

On the other hand if he's really oblivious I don't know what I'd advise, if you guys had some great conversations online and he didn't seem clueless then I'm taking it that what your seeing is really the in-realtime end of how AS works; your gestalt, your behavior, and a lot of things in general tend to not work right with what your really feeling and unfortunately its like being a parapalegic who walked once - sure they know how to physically do it but having their nervous system or body actually let them is a different matter all together. I think as you build trust that problem goes away because again, its partly defense mechanism. The only other thing I'd advise you on, if he's a bit on the cerebral side in terms of how he deals with people, try to show your love on that level - quite often as well its not that we don't feel emotions, if anything our sympathetic shielding is too little and we almost get overdosed by what other people are emitting, that's why I almost think as well - if you think this is adding up to what you see in him - that being slick or at least keeping the outward emotionality of it real grounded and natural would make it much easier for him to open up.

Hate to say all this because it almost seems wrong, its usually guys who are supposed to go through the ringer like that for women not vice a versa, but if your really interested in him and if some of that applies you may want to try it out - subtly at first of course just to see if your hitting him from the right angles.

When I met him, his looks charmed me to max. I thought he was really really nice too. And we had a lot in common. Like math, I love math. And he's good at math. And he had a lot of other things that I am interested in. Like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars. So we do have somethings in common that we both love. And the reason I am getting advice was my aunt caught me red-handed as I admitted to last night as to having a crush on him. And I really felt pressured to talk about it since.

I'd advise a bit of caution. Just because he's an Aspie, doesn't mean he's not an a**hole. Aspie women go through the same opening ourselves up and getting burned cycle that Aspie guys go through. We also tend to get used by guys who take advantage of our tendency to get attached and our tendency to give chance after chance after chance to guys who don't deserve it.

If you do decide to go after this guy, please try and go slowly - emotionally and physically. It will save you a lot of pain if he turns out to be a jerk.