Getting back with an ex?

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Hi all,

as an Aspie it's normal for me to struggle with knowing people's intentions, and it has left me with some enormous emotional scars over the past few years. Unfortunately, my Asperger's comes with being incredibly naïve and it's something I'm trying to work on, especially as there's this guy that I went out with for a month who seems to want to get to know me again.

Our relationship is VERY complicated, as he has his own issues too (severe depression, self harm, psychotic thoughts). We are both 19 and have known each other well since 16. We became close friends during our first year of college (in the UK it's the two years before university, where I am now) and during the spring he told me he liked me, and had done since he was 14. It's the typical spiel... how I felt a 'spiritual' connection with him... I felt so comfortable I felt words spilling from my mouth... and he made me happy in a time I was very low due to my own depression. He introduced me to some new friends and completely opened up my world.

However, with this came a lot of complexity as he effectively dragged me into a really difficult situation that caused me to suffer from some PTSD symptoms. It affected my whole second year of sixth form and it took me two years after to recover. It basically consisted of me thinking he liked someone else, him being unable to communicate with me, doing it through poems (negatively toned ones, quite grotesque) and subtlety which made me incredibly anxious and on edge. I never knew exactly what he was thinking, and one time when I tried to openly communicate my confused feelings of whether there was something between him and this girl (we weren't dating yet) he told the girl what I said and she then accused me of stealing her friends. This traumatised me because I never intended to do anything like this, and over a very immature situation I felt alone and embarrassed and he unfortunately didn't do anything to help.

He also threatened suicide once to me and another time to his family, when something wasn't going his way.

It's been 2 years, and I have had one year at uni and I really love it. However, despite liking someone else for a period and it not working out, I feel strong emotions for him still and I think he does for me too. He seems a lot better, but I'm worried this is my naivety and I'm not very good at giving myself boundaries as I have this tendency to want to save people. As nice as he seems and as naturally and fluidly we get along, I can't tell whether he's taking advantage and is secretly plotting my demise or something, as that's what it felt like last time as it all came crashing down on me!!

My heart says to give him another chance, and part of me thinks he COULD be an Aspie too, but another part of me is so scared of being hurt again and manipulated. There are a few more details that may be relevant but this is the minor gist of it...

Do you think I can trust him? I feel a strange, almost supernatural feeling towards him, as if the universe is telling me it's not finished yet


p.s I'm very much not perfect in this situation so please don't think I think that about myself!!
p.p.s also if there's any advice on how to deal with it without messing it up that would be great, and if there's anything I'm missing as I tend to miss important details of romantic things and I don't want to upset anyone!

I always as myself this question when in a relationship: How does this person make me feel?

If they make you feel happy most of the time, go for it.

If they make you feel sad, on edge, confused most of the time, they're probably not a good match for you.

Best of luck

I think that you yourself need to decide everything

Do you think it didn't work out before because he was the right person at the wrong time?


As you say much of the details/context is missing...
I can comment on my own experiences of the almost supernatural/spiritual connection you mention.
This has been my un/subconscious mind recognising personally familiar patterns in others, it feels so powerful as relating to and 'getting' others is not a regular experience for me. It hasn't in my experience meant that the other person is a good match for me, but that we have similar experiences. It has for me inspired limerance feelings, but these are not feelings I trust, as they are indeed transient and when observed with emotional detachment they are not based in reality, more so they come from a deep desire to connect with another person.

I maybe wrong in what I put below. Is just a thought I have.

If you go ahead, it could be a good plan to have a mature perso who can be trusted who both you and the young man can confide in. Someone well balanced and that both of you agree that whatever the person says you won't hold the person negatively. I mean... You won't think any bad of the person if he or she suggests things which you might not agree with. Had such a person been available before the person may have helped you two, as to me his communication is limited as it does seem that he loves you and was hurt that you thought that he preferred another. It also seems to me that you were upset by the way his thoughts came out because he was hurt?
Often a good middle person can be a church elder or deacon or a college lecturer who is sympathetic and has some free time. Someone who you will all agree that you can both talk to so the person may have a better overall picture and understanding. It is why an older person who has more experience in life and still has compassion may be ideal to help. (It is often that while young one may not appreciate how older people have been there and done that and made mistakes and learnt from life when they were young so they are better equipped to give real loving advice without bearing grudges, as a younger person may be prone to take one side or the other and make things worse).

I do think the connection you spoke of is something good. I mean... Let me try to explain... My mum said (In the subject of finding the right person to marry) that she dated many boys and then young men before she met my dad. They met when she was 15. Both my mum and dad felt a con ection. They just knew they were right for each other. I have not yet found this connection for myself and it is why I stopped dating the last girlfriend who was such a lovely person. I felt so guilty... as though I still felt a deep love for her I didn't feel the connection... I somehow knew she wasn't the one for me so I am still looking).

This is my own personal advice so just incase I am wrong... Go easy and weigh things up for yourself.

If his behavior gave you PTSD symptoms, I'd say its probably best to keep a distance.

I mean what kind of grotesque poems was he 'communicating' with you through,like negative stuff about you, or threatening stuff towards you. I mean if he was refusing to communicate with you outside of negative and grotesque poems as you put it that made you feel on edge...that seems like a good reason not to get back in a relationship.

That certainly doesn't really seem like something a guy who cares for his girlfriend or a girl he'd like to date would do. Usually if a person in a romantic relationship or close to being in one is writing poems to their partner they're usually nice poems about romantic feelings. Not negative grotesque stuff that leaves the person hurt and confused as to what the intention really is.

He might 'seem' better now, but that could be an act he's putting on to get you close again. I mean has he even apologized for any of his behavior, or he's just contacting you again and acting nice sort of as if there was never any problem? Perhaps he seemed nice and sweet the first time around to, at least until the lack of communication and grotesque poems that made you feel on edge.

I would not trust him if it were me.

Dear all,

I'm sorry I haven't posted any replies recently. I think it was definitely a bad idea to get with him again which is why I haven't.

Luckily, our relationship hasn't developed into a 'see you in person' kind of thing again, which is lucky as he started showing some red flags again in what he said and now I've ended the chat.

Thank you so much for all your advice. Unfortunately, for me, he seems to be a bit unwell and therefore unable to treat me well. I don't think he's changed at all.

I feel very stupid as it's all my fault, as I was the one who went up to him when I saw him lurking around me in the street and I felt guilty. I'm too sensitive and I shouldn't have let it get to me in that way again, but I just carried around too much guilt.

Now I've learned my lesson I think, which is that I don't need to feel guilty like my head told me I should.

Thank you so much again! <3

It is not your fault. Don't blame yourself, and it is not his fault either. It is one of those things... You have given it a go and it was a "No". Don't feel bad about it. You had to find out otherwize it would be on your mind. Now you have the answer you can move on.