Should we break up?

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I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. The first year, we pretty much only hung out together, usually at home. I hated leaving the house due to the city noise, neither of us had friends because he had only lived in the town for a year and din't have any - he also usually showed no interest in having any. He's a programmer and spent lunch by himself, rarely hung out with work colleagues etc. He has always been supportive of my autism. He ha supported me when I've screamed at people and then cried for honking their cars at me, when I've gone through depression and different medications... when I struggle to interact with his friends.... he always just said he loves me and accepts me exactly as I am.

Then I moved to America for 6 months for an internship. He is addicted to exercise (literally) and made great friends with everyone at his gym class. They now hang out all the time, go on holidays together, spend a day each weekend together... meanwhile he and I have almost nothing to talk about because I don't share his one interest (I thought he was Aspergian too when I met him). I also got way better by living in a quiet town, working for the military, made some friends with people who share my interests, stopped being depressed...

Now I'm back for a month and it's really hard with my boyfriend. We literally spend almost 2 weeks in near total silence with him not talking to me. He said he has nothing interesting to say. He has almost no interest in finding a common interest. I've been trying to do things together, go to the theatre, for a day trip to the countryside, watch a film together... he still won't talk to me. Except I can see in his eyes that he massively loves me and says he still does and is happy I'm home.

He says he wants to include me in his new life, take me with him to these group events with his friends together etc, because he would 'always be in a group' if he could.

Being in a group is my idea of hell. I have no interest in anything people talk about, can't keep up with the conversation, hate the noise etc. My friendships have always been one-on-one, usually in quiet environments. I've never felt good in groups. Even my own family, I just hang out with them for a couple of hours then go away to read. His life has changed, he has changed, and I can't accompany him in this new life of groups. Most of the time now he wants to invite friends to join us for things. I hate this.

I'm grieving because I've lost the boyfriend I had before and feel like it's plainly obvious we're not compatible. Last week I suggested we break up and cried for hours. He said he doesn't want to break up and wants to find a solution as a couple. I can't see any. I just think we're incompatible and forcing ourselves to be something we're not, holding on to a past version of us when we've obviously both changed. I love and miss him so much. It breaks my heart to know he has close friendships with women that he can hang out with and talk to and he can't with me. It doesn't make any sense to me that he can be closer with his female friends than with me but say he loves me and wants to be with me whilst sitting in silence.

In any case, I can't get a job in my field in the same country as him right now, so we have to do it long distance for the indefinite future, again, he doesn't want to break up. I don't know why he loves me. I just think he would be better off with a normal girl who lives in his city. How are we supposed to make this work, or can't we?

I feel he feels he’s found the “right girl”—which is you.

I sense that he feels secure with you, but doesn’t see your side of the situation. He should be making more of an effort to understand you. I sense love; but I sense selfishness, too.

Does he flirt with those other women? How is the physical aspect of your relationship?

Many people get a job that’s not “in their field.” Maybe you can get some sort of office job? I know people who have gotten office jobs, showed off their computer skills, then were hired as programmers.

I sense that he should seek to be more of your friend. He seems like he maybe takes you for granted.

Do you love him?

Love is blind. You need more than love for a relationship to work.

To be perfectly blunt, I think you should try to start dating in America or whatever foreign place you are mostly living. If you end up sleeping with somebody you meet there, you should tell your boyfriend, and ask him if he still wants to try to save the relationship. That sounds harsh, but it seems to me you are at a dead end and need to act in your own best interest.

If you came to a point that you had to ask that, then yeah, break it.

Me & my current girlfriend spend a lot of time together but not much of that is spent talking unless there's a problem one of us needs to talk about or we're talking about plans for the next day. I really enjoy spending time with my girlfriend even if we're not talking much or doing the same things. For example I sit next to her on the sofa while she plays video-games or she's on her tablet doing something siting next to me on the sofa while I'm watching TV. We do go shopping & to appointments together too thou. My point is that you don't have to talk to your partner a lot to really enjoy being with them & you don't need to have the same interests either. What's important is that you both like being together & are both willing to spend some time together even if your not talking or doing the same stuff. It's great that he wants to include you in his newer activities but if you really do not want to or feel you cant, that is something you should explain to him. Do not worry that your holding him back or think he'll be happier with someone else, that is for him to decide & he could break up with you if he felt he was better off without you.

Thank you for your responses everybody, it really helps to have outside opinions, especially from people with Aspergers. I honestly found it so difficult to find anyone I could get along with as well as him and evidently we have problems too!

I do think he takes me for granted. I've typically gone to way more effort than him in terms of showering him with love, verbally, physically, financially... I know he loves me but he doesn't put anywhere near as much effort in. The most important thing to him is that he can go to the gym 7 days a week in the morning, and it can't be any other type of exercise, it has to be that, it has to be his routine. On the other hand, he gives me complete liberty to work wherever I want, accepts me always and never criticises me or complains when I'm depressed for months. He always just listens and offers supportive, kind advice.

He has made more of an effort to engage in conversation with me since almost breaking up. I do find it strange though that he seems to have no trouble talking to other people yet he does with me, which makes me think maybe the problem is me.

Yesterday I went through a list of hobbies on Wikipedia with him and tried to find hobbies we have in common or could try. I found a few, such as meditation, learning new languages, reading etc. but the problem is even if he finds these topics interesting he doesn't want to dedicate time to them (us) because it would take away from his gym/work.
The other issue is that a lot of them, most of them, were things that couples would do together. That's not possible when I'm in a different country. When I realise that I realise it's not just his fault that we're having this problem.

I also asked him to read a single chapter from the five love languages while I was away and he basically refused to do it despite me asking him maybe 15 times over two months. I also suggested that as a way to connect he choose a film to watch on Netflix and we could both watch it separately, so at least we had done it in common. Over a number of weeks he said he didn't have time, before snapping and saying it was a stupid idea and if we didn't have a connection it was because I had gone away. I think he's passive aggressive with me because he was quite cold with me for periods while I was away, only to 'warm' somewhat when I told him I'd got a job at least on the same continent.

I just don't know what to do. I feel that little by little, whilst we are together, we slowly repair things/work through things, but I can't see how things can get better when we go back to being long-distance again.

I've not seen any evidence he flirts with the other girls. They are actually all in a relationship. I don't think he has any single female friends. And I can't date anyone else because I really love him

If she can’t get a programming job in her city , what would be her other options?

Many people do alternatives to their field of endeavor in order to pay the bills.

Im not doing anything related to what I have my degree in.

I don't understand what the problem with silence is. My favorite relationship is one where there is not so much talking. At least if you can share things in other ways, I don't see the problem at all.

But I wasn't advising that. That doesn't make sense: giving up a job for a man.

I think somebody misunderstood something. Maybe it was me?

She said she couldn't get a programming job in her town.

If she was thinking of moving to a town with no programming jobs just to be with a man, then I would advise her not to take that step.

Hello again,

Sorry my original post wasn't clear (and very waffley). My boyfriend is a programmer but I work in the security/defence sector. I know a lot of people (usually women) who give up their career/home country for their partner. Having a specific career isn't a priority for everyone, but it is for me, although I agree that changing fields to get a job is a really good option if it makes sense for us.

I guess silence in a relationship isn't necessarily a bad thing, it depends on individual needs. He seems to be quite happy to have nothing in common and not talk. Sometimes I compare it to animals. I don't need a dog to talk to me to understand what it wants or what mood it's in, or to feel loved by it.

The issue is I don't feel we have a connection and I want one. I want to converse with him, and I would especially like to build happy memories of us doing things together that we both enjoy.

I think a factor in this is that in the past I was chronically depressed and suffering from mood issues. I needed a lot of day to day help dealing with the stress of Aspergers and 'translation' about how to behave with people and different situations. He says one of his biggest interests is teaching people and I think he was teaching me a lot about 'recipes for happiness', and my stress took up a lot of the conversation time.

I went away, got happier and stopped talking to him about negative things. Suddenly there was nothing to fill the gap, and my 'happiness' seemed to depend on being away from him.

I guess there's two main challenges now.
1. How to build a connection if he doesn't value it as a priority.
2. How to build a connection whilst being in a different country and having no common interests.

I think connections can come & go within relationships. Lots of people jump into serious relationships because they feel a connection only to jump ship as soon as there's a minor problem because they suddenly don't feel that connection. Sometimes they seem to have the connection because they are infatuated with each other & infatuation tends to fade after a while. How long varies a lot by person & couple & there's a chance it may never fade for some people or couples but it will fade for most if they stick things out long enough. I never based a relationship on having a connection. I care more about things that sustain a relationship like mutual respect, commitment. loyalty, & trust. Me & my current girlfriend both have a lot of various issues besides both of us being on the spectrum & one of the main things we talk about most is her issues. Cass is doing a lot of work to improve like doing research, seeing her doc/GP, seeing a psychiatrist, & she was getting counseling fairly regularly till her counselor left the health center a couple months ago to start a private practice(not sure what's gonna happen with Cass & counseling now). Anyways Cass has made a lot of progress in some ways in the 6 & half years we've been living together. Cass still has quite a long ways to go thou. My issues are more chronic disabilities that are likely stable & while I can make progress in some ways, they'll likely always be other ways where I have major limitations & need support. I try my best to help Cass improve & to support her cuz I really love & care about her but in the back of my mind I worry about what will happen if she were to actually improve so much that she quits needing my support. Like me she's very loyal so I have to trust that she'll wanna stay with me because of her loyalty & how much she loves me. It will very likely be a long time before she gets to that point thou because she's getting jerked around a lot by the medical profession but with the rite help & treatment she could potentially improve a whole lot.

You've mentioned other problems within your relationship harriet besides the lack of connection thing. If you weren't long distance I would suggest that you two get couples counseling. It does sound like your guy really loves you like I love Cass but your guy is bringing some problems to your relationship now & he may not even be aware of them or probably doesn't know what to do about em if he is & it may be the same case for you. I also think some of your problems are because you two are long distance rite now. I don't know to what extent your problems are related to the distance but I do think that if you two are gonna have a strong happy relationship, you two will need to find a way where you will be close most of the time. All 3 relationships I had were mostly long distance(I was long distance with Cass till I relocated to be with her) & I do know 1st hand that distance can cause a whole mess of issues within a relationship.

I'm sorry if I don't have any specif advice for you, I just have things to think about. There is no clear or easy answer here & it's up to you to decide if you wanna keep trying to make things work or not. Some very loving couples do break up because they decide their careers are more important or that they don't wanna interfere in each other's careers while some other couples won't hesitate to sacrifice a career they worked very hard at for the sake of their partners.

You can build friendships and all that with other people. If he gets paranoid about that, he’s not worth it. People have to trust each other. You’re not stepping into bed with all these people.

This will certainly give you much to talk about with him.

And assert your right to hang out alone while he does his social butterfly routine.