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When I came to this site 8 years ago, I was in a horrible place. I had extremely low self-esteem, I was bitter, miserable, angry, and had f****d up, incel-like ideas and thoughts about women, men, sex, and relationships. I was jealous of good-looking men who were able to date successfully. I thought for sure that they were all as*holes and no handsome man could be a good person. I despised men and women who had active sex lives due to envy.

I got off on the sympathy, attention, and pity I got from repeatedly tearing myself down. (I'd repeatedly say that I was ugly, slow, ret*d, uneducated, undateable, etc) The evidence and proof is all in my post history.

I repeatedly ignored great advice from a lot of friendly posters on here and repeatedly made excuses for my failings. This continued for years until I eventually lost interest.

I think my issues stemmed from a "friend" I had growing up who ridiculed me repeatedly about my face. He was a jerk and every girl/woman seemed to find him attractive. He had no problems dating and that really affected my views on relationships. Other people referring to me as ugly effected my self-esteem and how I viewed my appearance also.

About 4 years ago, I had sort of an epiphany. I suddenly realized how much pain and stress I caused people close to me. Being consumed by self pity and being self-absorbed completely blinded me to that for years. After soul crushing guilt, I vowed to become a better person. I didn't want to be a burden or a parasite anymore. I wanted show my family how much I appreciated them for loving and putting up with me despite my sh***y attitude and behavior for so long.

I realized that women are allowed to have preferences and it doesn't necessarily say anything about you if you are rejected. Maybe you just weren't her type and vice/versa. BTW, women (autistic or otherwise) deal with rejection, social awkwardness, and loneliness as well. We men don't have a monopoly on dating struggles.

I stop placing so much value on sex and relationships, and most of all, I realized that I (and I alone) is the cause for the problems I have with dating. (and other things in my life) I'm not owed a date, sex, or a relationship. And if I want those things, I have to put in the work and effort to make myself appear attractive to opposite sex.

Over the years, I've wrestled with whether I really wanted to be in a relationship and I'm still as unsuccessful as ever, but it's empowering to know it's because of my actions (or inactions) and mine alone.

As a result, I have a healthier view about myself and life in general.

I'm probably writing this post because I feel I need to have some closure on the person I used to be and to also help some people who maybe going through what I went through.

Looks play a role with attraction (especially with the first impression), but a person's general attitude, play an equally important part. I think it's good that you decided to improve your attitude towards dating. It will probably help make you more attractive to the opposite sex, as well.

Welcome back.

Welcome back!

We all struggle and make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. But kudos for wanting to help others.

I'm an NT and my boyfriend has AS. When I first saw him I did not have a positive reaction. I did not find him attractive. On top of that he was nervous and awkward. But old enough to have learned how to work his way through it. We had met online, and I didn't yet know that he has aspergers. The messages we exchanged were great, so I stuck with it because of that. As we both relaxed it got less awkward and then was pretty f-ing great, because he is very funny and smart and a good person. When he told me about aspergers, everything kind of clicked into place and made more sense and alerted me to my own judgments. Then I started to notice little things that I found attractive about him. When he finally smiled, it was a great smile. I liked his hands (i know that's weird).

Now I am wildly attracted to him and so glad that I didn't dismiss him. I know he's been through a lot of painful bullying and rejection and I'm so glad for my own sake that he stayed in the game. He has soooo much to offer. So do you, I can tell by your message.

You only need that one special person, and boy oh boy do you have to meet and dismiss an awful lot of NO's before you find that HELL YES person. Some of those NOs will be really rude awful shallow people. Maybe most of them. It's so hard.

It's also quite the adventure, and worth going on! Woo hoo! Have fun.

If I were you I'd try to put less effort on self-blame and more on improving myself.

It seems to me that is exactly what he did. It took him awhile but he eventually got there.

He just jumped from one extreme to the other, he should be more chill. By the way there's a difference between acknowledging a problem and putting some actual effort in resolving it.

Welcome back.
You sound like you've done a lot of soul searching and are in a better place.
Good.

I didn't "jump to another extreme", I just stopped pitying myself and realized that the issues I have are my own and mine alone to deal with.

Congratulations! You are making good progress. Fortunately, as a guy, you do have more time to work things out.

Thanks, but I'm not sure what you meant by your last sentence?

Men typically become more desirable as dating partners as they get older. This isn't true for most women.

https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/dating-a ... ger-women/
Here is some data to back that up.

I've desired older women all my life.

I'm 57, and I find women my age very attractive sometimes.

And? Boo hoo.

This is a positive thread. Be happy for the guy.

Thanks for your post MR20, it was very good and informative!

I'm glad you were able to reevaluate and change yourself to a more healthy outlook, that is something that takes a lot of effort and determination. I think it's important to realize that although people who have ideas like that are toxic, they are also often suffering, and so it is wrong to think they are irredeemable and can't change. It's very easy to take one step away from depression and self-loathing and have it turn into hate of others or blaming a specific group. In any case, I'm glad you managed to reconsider, I hope that it helps you to accept yourself and be more positive, I think you will find that others are more likely to accept you then as well.