Difference between compliments and flirting

Post Reply New Topic

I was told to never compliment guys if they are with a girl. I saw a guy in a PaRappa the Rapper shirt and I told my mom “His shirt is so cool!”. PaRappa the Rapper is one of my favorite video games! So my mom told me, “how would you feel if a girl saw you and told your boyfriend “hey I like your outfit it’s so sexy!” First of all this guy wasn’t what I would consider sexy. Second if anything I was going to compliment his tastes in video games!

She accused me of flirting with a married guy. All I did was tell my mom “he’s attractive” via text, most guys I like waste their time on the dorkiest of the dorky girls anyway.

Sorry you think you're a dork

Yeah, I agree, platonic compliments like that ought to be ok.

The fact they're not always seen that way is very heteronormative actually. If I couldn't compliment someone whose gender I sometimes liked, I couldn't compliment anyone.

Just don't say something like 'nice abs, do you work out' or 'you're hot' etc.

I wrote about this in another thread, so most of this is copied over, but maybe it will be useful.

The denotation of flirting is just engaging in activities that are for the purposes of attracting someone else romantically.

That's too vague to really be helpful, though. Here is my working idea for the mechanical process of flirting.

Flirting works by doing and saying things that suggest that two people are closer than is warranted in any given context.

Here are a few examples:

In the context of just having met someone, simply spending more time talking to a single person than anyone else in the room could be flirting (even if the subject is mundane). In your example, the baseline level of compliments we give to a stranger is zero, so even one compliment about a shirt is abnormally friendly (though this can vary from country/culture to country/culture, so it is relative).

Among people who already converse regularly (acquaintances), small physical gestures such as a pat on the back, or a knowing nudge to the side could be flirtatious. To feed off of your example some more, maybe at a local hobby club, one or two compliment a year is normal, so more than that would be seen flirtatious. Further, in a hobby club, compliments related to the hobby in question are seen as less flirtatious than compliments about something unrelated.

Among friends, gestures that imply deeper closeness can be flirtatious. For example, a lot of people who are close will tease each other. The idea is that the subtext communicates something like, "We are so close and secure in our friendship that we can make a joke at each others expense, and know that in spite of that we remain friends". It's almost the emotional equivalent of cats showing their vulnerable underbellies to close human friends as a sign of trust and closeness. If we combine this concept with the original concept of 'doing things which suggest a deeper level of closeness than expected', you could see how teasing someone could potentially be a form of flirting, especially if the two people involved in teasing don't have that sort of friendship pre-established. If a good friend starts complimenting you more than they used to, or more than they do other people, that can be a sign that they are flirting with you!

The way the 'game' works, is that two people who are flirting are trying to figure out if the other person views them as a potential romantic partner. So if two people are flirting, they will, over the course of time, continue to slightly escalate the implied level of closeness through a series of 1000 mini-actions, until you reach a tipping point where it becomes obvious that romantic intentions are had. Usually, people will test the waters a little bit with subtle flirting methods (like teasing, slight physical gestures, etc), and then when they reach a certain confidence interval that their feelings are mutual, they will make a big 'move', like asking for a date directly, or sometimes going in for a kiss unexpectedly.

The whole system is designed to allow people to test out the waters of figuring out if someone is interested in them while also allowing them some level of plausible deniability to save face in case the romantic feelings aren't shared. People who are good at flirting can filter through people who are interested or not without a lot of embarrassment, as they can figure out with a decent amount of probability whether someone is interested or not before doing anything overt.

On the darker side, a lot of people will flirt with others as a form of validation. They want to know that other people find them attractive, even if they don't personally desire a romance with them. So a lot of unhealthy people will flirt up until just the point before it becomes obvious/overt flirting just to feel good when their subtle flirtations are subtly returned. These types of people confuse a lot of poor souls who think they are genuinely interested.

I hope this was helpful/informative.

She seems rude. Why does she treat you as though you're so unaware of such things?

Anyhow I would say find someone else than your mom to tell to that you think some guy is sexy or comment on such things with someone who gets you, even if shes an online girl. Send her the hot guy shell thank you for it xD

_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner. x

Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.

I don't think that one compliment about a t-shirt is flirting.

Now, if you went up to the guy every single time you saw him and wanted his attention and complimented him every time, that would be flirting.

Your example is just a passing comment. You liked the shirt, not him. Even if you do think he's attractive, it's just one comment, no harm done.

My friend's husband is shy, so the way he makes conversation when he is stuck is to compliment something I'm wearing. He isn't flirting with me. He's just bad at conversation. I don't take it to mean that he's interested in me.

Your mom is right, she's teaching you that this is a faux pas, in the world of relationships even an innocent comment from a single woman to a taken guy would be seen as a threat by the other woman, and you would probably cause trouble to the guy (a jealous partner may think there's something between you two).

Don't do it again.

It mostly depends on context, like the people in this thread are illustrating quite well.

Differences between compliments and flirting... I will let you know when I work that one out!

Saying or thinking someone's shirt is cool is not the same thing as saying you think it or they are sexy. Sending a text or even whispering to a girlfriend something like "that guy over there, the attractive one, he has a really cool shirt!" also is not a big deal.

It wouldn't be appropriate for you to go over to someone you don't know who is with someone else - more so a female who appears to be in a relationship with him and start talking about how cool their shirt is. That would likely be taken as flirting and as a diss to the person/woman he is with. I don't think there is a problem with giving a compliment to someone but when they are with someone else and you go over to them, it can come off a little rude as you are essentially interrupting these people. Which makes it more likely that it is going to make it look like a flirtation.

In a case where say you were at a cashier and they had a shirt or something on you thought was cool, to casually say "I like you shirt, I love that game". That would be fine but if you're not already in direct contact with a person you're probably better off just remaining at a distance. You can think and note that you think their shirt is cool or whatever but leave it at that.