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Do I have to ask before doing something with her?

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Noam2353
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09 Aug 2019, 10:50 am

Well, a lot of the girlfriends I had were different from one another. Right now I'm Single, and the last one I had was quite weird in generally. I mean compared to the previous ones, of course.
I was wondering if, generally, - even though every woman is different of course, and this might not apply to all women on earth, of course. But generally speaking, do I have to ask before doing something with her?
Things like:
- A hug - do I need to ask before I do it, or it's supposed to happen by itself without a previous discussion?
- A kiss - same as hug.
- Getting laid - When, how, how long, etc.? I mean, it's not a very comfortable thing to discuss out of nowhere, of course.
Also, there are subjects like marriage, living together, etc. - big stuff, which I dont know when to bring up in a conversation, at the beginning, middle or end of a conversation. Or not at all?
Thank you


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StayFrosty
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10 Aug 2019, 12:29 am

If it feels right, just do it.



Mona Pereth
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10 Aug 2019, 12:55 am

Noam2353 wrote:
Well, a lot of the girlfriends I had were different from one another. Right now I'm Single, and the last one I had was quite weird in generally. I mean compared to the previous ones, of course.
I was wondering if, generally, - even though every woman is different of course, and this might not apply to all women on earth, of course. But generally speaking, do I have to ask before doing something with her?
Things like:
- A hug - do I need to ask before I do it, or it's supposed to happen by itself without a previous discussion?
- A kiss - same as hug.
- Getting laid - When, how, how long, etc.? I mean, it's not a very comfortable thing to discuss out of nowhere, of course.
Also, there are subjects like marriage, living together, etc. - big stuff, which I dont know when to bring up in a conversation, at the beginning, middle or end of a conversation. Or not at all?
Thank you

Unless you know her body language very well, ask. As you get to know her better, there may be less and less need to ask, but, in the early days of the relationship at least, you definitely should ask. See Autism and Consent by Kirsten Lindsmith.


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Mona Pereth
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10 Aug 2019, 1:00 am

StayFrosty wrote:
If it feels right, just do it.

This works fine if you are very good at reading each other's body language -- or if you happen to have one of those "mind-to-mind communication links" that RDOS keeps talking about.

However, autistic people generally have trouble reading social cues, so it is generally risky not to get explicit consent.


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Noam2353
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10 Aug 2019, 1:07 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Noam2353 wrote:
Well, a lot of the girlfriends I had were different from one another. Right now I'm Single, and the last one I had was quite weird in generally. I mean compared to the previous ones, of course.
I was wondering if, generally, - even though every woman is different of course, and this might not apply to all women on earth, of course. But generally speaking, do I have to ask before doing something with her?
Things like:
- A hug - do I need to ask before I do it, or it's supposed to happen by itself without a previous discussion?
- A kiss - same as hug.
- Getting laid - When, how, how long, etc.? I mean, it's not a very comfortable thing to discuss out of nowhere, of course.
Also, there are subjects like marriage, living together, etc. - big stuff, which I dont know when to bring up in a conversation, at the beginning, middle or end of a conversation. Or not at all?
Thank you

Unless you know her body language very well, ask. As you get to know her better, there may be less and less need to ask, but, in the early days of the relationship at least, you definitely should ask. See Autism and Consent by Kirsten Lindsmith.

Thank you, that is very helpful to know. In fact yes, because of my Asperger I couldn't tell how to behave appropriately with women in the past. That's why I remained single for long periods of time, and that's why a lot of girlfriends thought I was a weird person and abandoned me. I'm trying to improve in that field at the moment.
Also, I realize that when I ask about it, I should ask in a very gentle way. Right? Otherwise she could feel scared of the question? Yeah, I thought so.


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nick007
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10 Aug 2019, 5:05 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Unless you know her body language very well, ask. As you get to know her better, there may be less and less need to ask, but, in the early days of the relationship at least, you definitely should ask.
That's the way things were with my exes & current girlfriend. They weren't NTs thou & neither of us had much relationship experience. As the relationship gets more serious, you both tend to be more comfortable with various things like hugging & kissing & having sex. After you become serious & initiate something that the other person isn't in the mood for, she'll just push back a little or tell you that now's not a good time. You back off for a bit or a while; how long depends on various circumstances like what she's doing or if she's in some kinda weird mood & then you just wait things out & try again.


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10 Aug 2019, 8:21 pm

I'd err on the safe side and ask before doing things until you get to know her more.

As far as bringing up life goals (like marriage, kids, hopes and dreams, etc.) I'd definitely do that very early on when dating to see if your goals and lifestyles mesh well. If you don't talk about that stuff early on and disagree on very important things then it might set you up for difficult decisions later on after you already sunk time and energy into someone.


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12 Aug 2019, 8:10 am

Don’t call it “getting laid.”

I would start by asking if she wouldn’t mind you kissing her hand. If she doesn’t want that, go no further.

Hold hands in the street.

No is no—even if it is yes in her mind. In making love, a woman has to be a participant. Consent is expressed physically as well as verbally.

If she allows you to kiss her, go under her blouse. If she pulls your hand out of her blouse area, go no further. And so on with any stage before actual making love.

She has to do stuff to you, too. Open your zipper. Go under your shirt. That’s true consent. If she does nothing, or pulls away, then she probably doesn’t consent.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 12 Aug 2019, 8:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

red_doghubb
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12 Aug 2019, 8:26 am

martianprincess wrote:
I'd err on the safe side and ask before doing things until you get to know her more.

As far as bringing up life goals (like marriage, kids, hopes and dreams, etc.) I'd definitely do that very early on when dating to see if your goals and lifestyles mesh well. If you don't talk about that stuff early on and disagree on very important things then it might set you up for difficult decisions later on after you already sunk time and energy into someone.


with the caveat *not* on the first date. Ever, unless you want to scare her away. In fact wait a few dates in, when you're comfortable with eachother. I had a guy once tell me, 10 mins into our very first date, before dinner even arrived, that he wanted to be remarried and wanted to see me again. See him again, I did not.



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12 Aug 2019, 9:29 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
StayFrosty wrote:
If it feels right, just do it.

This works fine if you are very good at reading each other's body language -- or if you happen to have one of those "mind-to-mind communication links" that RDOS keeps talking about.

However, autistic people generally have trouble reading social cues, so it is generally risky not to get explicit consent.


In my experience, I will not ask and not initiate (hugs, kisses & sex). That has always kept me out of trouble. However, if I'm very comfortable with somebody (and certainly if I have a mind-to-mind communication link), then I won't ask and just do it if I know they desire it. But I will never ask about it. Just feels to weird & uncomfortable.



kraftiekortie
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12 Aug 2019, 9:32 am

Holding hands and hugging are two totally different things. And they are on "different levels" of intimacy.



IsabellaLinton
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12 Aug 2019, 10:21 am

Yes, you need to ask.
Also, don't initiate contact if either of you have been drinking, even if she seems receptive.


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17 Aug 2019, 3:25 am