"You don't need a partner to be happy"

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Someone said this to me the other day because I said that my heart was broken.

So, this annoyed me because in general I'm not actually unhappy. The vast majority of things I post on Facebook for example are funny and positive. I'm the one who organise a fun little days out and things to do. I'm not a sadsack.

My life is pretty good.

But... I keep getting rejected. That hurts. Am I not allowed to ever talk about that?

It's like I'm meant to just sweep it under the rug and forget that part of human existence involves pairing up with someone. It's an inbuilt desire that the vast majority of animals that pair bond experience.

Now I understand that not everyone wants that and it's great that people can be totally self sufficient.

The fact that I would like to meet someone however, is not in any way an attack on people who don't want to. Why do they take it so personally?

I'm not looking for someone to "make me happy" I'm looking for someone to share the happiness with.

Last edited by hurtloam on 24 Aug 2019, 10:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

Are you different IRL to here?

I think people who have had rubbish relationships or breakups tend to say it. I think most people have had rubbish breakups.

Yes. I use this place to vent. I feel like I should send you some of my more fun stories now to make up for it

Yeah, I think you're right.

I would welcome them.

Would it help you if I posted here why I thought most relationships are rubbish?

Post whatever thoughts you have.

"Why do they take it so personally?"

They're not. In fact their cliched response is the least personal someone can reply with. They know it makes them look like they empathize and is sometimes used to end a conversation they don't want to be in before it begins.

Having said that, I've come around to that POV regarding myself. Not everyone is meant to find someone, I'm one, and I've become ok with it.

People who have never struggled with attracting a romantic partner over a period of years often just can't relate to us, or understand what it would be like to be in our shoes.

The person who said this to you either didn't want to pursue that topic of conversation, didn't know what to say to help you feel better, or is so unable to relate to people in our situation that they genuinely thought this would help.

Something that I think goes over the heads of people who are able to date is that there's a significant difference between the predicaments of not having a partner right now, and not having a partner ever. The former sucks, but people still have good reason to hope and believe that they'll get a relationship in the future, while the latter is frequently a cause for depression to those experiencing it, and there's not very much to support the belief that things will get better in the near future.

My response to what this person said to you would be that I don't need to constantly be in a relationship and never be single to be happy, however never being able to have a relationship whilst wanting one over x amount of years guarantees that I'll be unhappy about it, and in the absence of successful past relationships, there is nothing to indicate to me that I have the capacity to attract someone and be in a successful relationship, and the idea that I'm going to go through my whole life without a partner is cause for despair, because I very much want a partner.

That won't work Mr Inquisitor. Her point was that you don't need a partner... at all... ever.

in that case, I'd have said well maybe you don't need a partner, but most of humanity does have an otherwise unquenchable longing for a partner, and if they didn't, none of us would be here. Not everyone has the same needs.

I'm not looking for someone to "make me happy" I'm looking for someone to share the happiness with.



Semantics and pragmatics


"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"


You can share your happiness with family, friends, acquaintance, strangers, enemies


Not just dating

I knew someone would say that... there's also sex y'know.

Having been in an unhealthy marriage for 28 years I can say that having a partner does not always complete you it can also deplete you.
As someone who was raised in an abusive home I picked a partner who reminded me of home. Not consciously of course.

No partner is better than the wrong partner but I believe that people thrive when together and loneliness is such an awful thing. Sex is great but it's kind of hollow when there is no emotional attachment. For me at least that is the case.

People tend to want things they don't need all the time. For example I didn't "need" to get a new Sims game or a stuffed animal, but I got them anyway. I can't eat or drink those things, and they don't provide shelter or warmth, and I already have tons of them, therefor I don't "need" them. But that's just how humans are.

So, the two of you did further discuss this?
Usually I'd say red_doghubb is spot on. It's an empty platitude they think will make them look emphatic and they don't wish to further engage in the topic or think too hard on it. However, if she did want to further discuss it, something else may be going on.

Was her point about no one needing a partner at all something she felt strongly about?
In that case her life experience or personality may explain why she thinks that way. Was she just never interested in relationships? Bad past experience? Denial about her own unfulfilled needs?...

It’s like the old saying:

You can’t live with ‘em......and you can’t live without ‘em.