Help understanding my Aspie ex's behaviour

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Hi, I am hoping someone can offer me some advice about my situation as I am very confused and not sure what to do and don't want to get it wrong.
My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. We have since been through a process of revelation that he has Asperger's. It makes sense of everything. I have since consumed everything I can about Asperger's to try to understand him and help him through what is a tough time but there are some things about our relationship now that I just can't get my head around.
To give a little history, we were together for two-and-a-half years, and friends before that for six months, but both in other relationships. He works with me so our lives are entirely intertwined.
Our relationship developed in what I now see was a text-book Asperger's-NT way - he was totally devoted, almost obsessional about winning me over, I felt like I had never been loved or loved anyone like this before. He moved in with me quite quickly and expressed that I was all he had ever wanted, including my two children, whom he seemed to love dearly, saying we were the family he wanted. Everything was great for two years. In retrospect I see lots of his behaviour that makes sense in an Asperger's context but nothing that was ever problematic. He was always very independent, sporty, a little reserved but I thought totally measured, and I was always happy for him to do his own thing when he wanted. We occasionally had difficulties, unsurprisingly (now) related to me feeling that he was detached or if I was upset about something (even if nothing to do with him at all) he seemed not to really care or understand why I was hurting. But I am a very sensitive and compassionate person and I thought he understood that, just like I understood he was more rational and existential. I am incapable of staying hurt or angry for more than about ten minutes with anyone (him especially) so any problems just blew over quickly, or so I thought at least. I thought we loved each other wholly, and accepted one another's flaws as just wonderful parts of each other.
But then about six months ago, he started to withdraw from me and the kids, to disengage from all the things we had previously done together and to act more and more angry and resentful if I expressed any hurt about that. I was confused but still did not see anything as a big deal (again, because I forgive very easily and I love him deeply) and put it down to just that usual couple-of-years-in-honeymoon-period-over thing that happens in most relationships but which is really the bit when you truly get to know one another. I did not think I had any reason to worry at all.
Around Christmas I noticed he was flirting with a girl we both know, but had no real reason to worry, I am not a jealous person and I knew he loved me so just sort of ignored it. He is very charming, often quite flirty so it wasn't that unusual. Anyway, to cut a long story a bit shorter, his granddad died at the end of January, which was devastating for him (he was a very important relationship for my bf). He then began an affair with this girl. I knew about it and tried my hardest to understand, help him see that he did not need to do this to us, that he was grieving etc. But he continued. He was remorseful sometimes, then almost entitled, then hurt, and so on in a spiral. If I suggested maybe I could not live like this he broke down completely and I took this (perhaps wrongly) to think he understood and loved me and would come back to me. All this time he was living with me and the kids, we were still very loving, we have always had an amazing sex life, so nothing about that, and he continued to say he loved me and sleep with me, but still to see this other girl.
Eventually it all got too much, too emotional and he moved out, though continued to sleep with me and be in touch constantly and come to me for everything. He tells me it was never 'about her' but that 'the narrative of his life has changed' and that somehow does not involve our relationship, though he seems to think everything else should continue as before. He expects to keep working with me closely every day, to be part of our social circle, to need me for his emotional support (he is clearly depressed and has had several meltdowns in the past few weeks, he will only talk to me about his Asperger's and relies on me for everything). I love him with all my heart and just want to find a way back to each other.
If he were NT, I would know that the way he is with me indicates that he still loves me and that if I keep being there and just put him first eventually he would realise that we are beautiful together, but I just don't know how to interpret this situation given his Asperger's. Everything I have read suggests a) that his cheating is very unusual and b) that staying so close to me is unusual.
I am trying to do my best for him, and I know how much he needs me, so I can't just cut him out of my life as everyone is suggesting I should do in order to heal myself from my heartbreak, but at the same time it is killing me to feel that I am his everything but that at the end of the day he is now in a relationship with this other girl and is sleeping with her and probably saying all the things he was once to me to her.
So what should I do? When I suggest to him that I can't go on like this and that it is not fair and is destroying my self-esteem, he collapses at the thought of losing me. He is also very jealous of other men (though he has nothing to be jealous of).
Does he love me and will he realise that, or is he just using me (I know that's not really the right word as he is not being actively manipulative but you know what I mean I hope). I am confident the other girl knows nothing of his Asperger's and that he is not talking to her about any of this. So am I just his crutch and she is romantic interest, and in the end will he just transfer all of that to her?
Sorry for such a long post, but I am utterly lost about what to do for the best, for him and us. I love him with all my heart.
Any advice on what might be going on, however hard for me to hear, would be much appreciated.

The best thing to do after a breakup is simply to ignore the ex as much as possible. Don't ever be anyone's emotional tampon.

You’re too attached to him.

He gets his cake, and eats it, too.

Aspergers is irrelevant here. He’s probably using it as an excuse for his behavior.

I think the first question I would ask is does he have Aspergers? Has he ever been tested? Or is he an NT in disguise?

If he is an Aspie, then realize he might be very distant at times. He will not pick up on projected emotions. So be very direct with him. If you are hurt, then tell him you are hurt and the reason's why. He will not know it intuitively. From your post, I would say you are hurting.

Aspies tend to be better with written communications rather than oral. So write your thoughts and feelings down so that your communications can have time to sink into his soul. And in your communications: frame it somewhat like a love letter.

Aspies tend to be collectors. They feel a need and one of those needs is love, companionship and a partner. But once they find love sometimes they don't cherish it properly. He needs to nurture love each day otherwise it withers and dies. He may not understand that. He may feel that he has found a partner and therefore he has a measure of self worth which makes him confident to explore other options (this other girl). If you broke it off with him, he might be very devastated because it would be a major blow to his self esteem. In some ways you sound like a good couple together but you must establish boundaries. It is wrong for him to damage your self-esteem. Teach him tools on how to properly cherish you.

By the way, since this is your first post, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks everyone for your comments.
He is not diagnosed properly no, but I think there is no doubt really.
I have done the things suggested, explained carefully and calmly. He broke it off not me - I tried exceptionally hard to save us - albeit before we recognised the Asperger’s so not always in the best way. If I knew what I know now I would have reacted differently to many things but I didn’t know I was doing things wrong for him or why he couldn’t understand me. I think my question is really about whether his Asperger’s could explain why he would continue to treat me like this even when he knows how much it is hurting me? He doesn’t seem to be able to really acknowledge that it’s not fair to be using me in this way while also carrying on with the other girl. Can that be possible? And what would be the explanation for him continuing to need me in his life so much, while also doing that? If he thinks he loves her (which I do not know since he won’t discuss it) then why does he need me in this way? If he doesn’t care that much for her but knows how much it is hurting me and still wants me to be part of his life so much, then why would he carry on with her? His responses and behaviour when I try to back away do not suggest he is just uncaring at all and using me. But obviously it’s a mess.
Thanks again.

Well, I would like to warn you about one more possibility:
Sometimes psychopaths use disguise of Asperger's to give an explanation for their inability to emotionally bond.
Just a warning.

Anyway, set your boundaries firm and demand being treated fairly. If his issues are indeed Asperger's, then you may need to point out precisely what you expect from him. If it doesn't make things any better, then, Asperger's or not, the real issues lie totally elsewhere.

It makes no difference if he has Aspergers or a personality disorder or whatever. He mistreated you and tries to further take advantage of your good nature and kindness.

You need to cut him off and take care of yourself, you really don't deserve to be treated this way. I wish you and your kids the best.

OP: Please stop saying "his Asperger's". If he hasn't been professionally diagnosed it's not OK to make a definite statement like that. "Suspected", "Self diagnosed", etc.

As you could probably surmise, many of us who are diagnosed with autism are extremely sensitive about people being described as having a host of negative or harmful characteristics and at the same time linking said behavior to "their autism" when the people have not been diagnosed as such; and as others have stated, may very well not be autistic.

Infidelity is hardly attributable to autism. I would argue the opposite is probably more of a possibility. You said you've read extensively about Asperger's to "understand him". What did you learn that makes you think his behavior is indicative of characteristics of autism?

Thanks everyone again.

Apologies for not using ‘suspected Asperger’s’ without a formal diagnosis.

I do understand why the psychopath suggestion is being made (I also explored this along with narcissism long before any consideration of autism but neither really work as explanations).

I do also understand his cheating is not attributable to or excused by any suspected Asperger’s. I get that that is all on him.

All I’m trying to do is understand if it might be playing a role in his not comprehending how unkind he’s being to me and why he can’t seem to let go of me emotionally.

I didn’t go into all the aspects of his personality that explain why we suspect Asperger’s but it’s not the cheating, obviously. If anything, as I said above, that seems somewhat unusual for someone who might be autistic. He exhibits a host of other indicators that do not fit at all within a psychopath or narcissistic description. His scores in a multitude of online tests for autism are very high and his behaviours, responses, emotions, and interactions, in all but this cheating, seem to be closely aligned to an Asperger’s description.

I realise I sound like a doormat and I do understand I’m being mistreated. I just also understand that things are often very complex and that if he does have Asperger’s, I need to understand how that might be affecting his thinking about the situation so that I know how to act, in either a context of getting out or his coming back in. I love him very deeply, despite knowing he is mistreating me and am simply trying to get everything straight in my head. I can’t just cut him off as he works with me so I need to find a way to manage things. I am also no longer sleeping with him.

Thanks again everyone.