I need advice on acting more romantic in a relationship

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Okay, so the title isn't great, but I don't know how else to explain this is one sentence.

So me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 and a half years. But now we've hit a problem, and if I don't fix it I'm going to lose her.

I need to put a disclaimer here, because when I type it out I don't want her to come across as controlling. She isn't. She's the one who has tried to change who she is to be with me, and that's not fair on her. She has never asked me to change, in fact she's specifically said I shouldn't, that I'd be better finding someone who wants a relationship with someone how I am. But it's been too long and we mean too much to each other for me to just give up on this.

I need to learn how to be more romantic, or passionate, or have some kind of spark between us. Because that's not who I am naturally. But it's something I can learn, and am definitely willing to. It's important for me to at least try and save this.

So if anyone has any pointers, or knows any good romantic books/films I can use for reference, I'd be really grateful.

Thanks

You said that your partner didn't want you to "change."

So why change?

If you, all of a sudden, became more "romantic," then your partner might think you're phony.

One way to be "romantic" is making sure you're there for your partner should your partner need someone to talk to. Maybe send your partner flowers or something. Maybe smile at your partner----and wink at her. Make sure your partner knows you love her. Be cuddly with her.

As far as being "sexual" is concerned, one cannot "force" one's self to be passionate sexually. Do you feel a desire sexually for your partner?

I can understand you wanting to be with your partner, even if you're not a really "sexual" person. You can love somebody without being "sexual" with that someone.

My post probably wasn't very clear, sorry about that. When I meant change I don't mean change my entire personality. I have to learn how to act in situations instead of just knowing, like a lot of autistic people. This is my first proper relationship, so I never had any experience.

Sex isn't the issue, it's just day to day stuff. I think to her the way I act seems more like a friend than a partner. I think I definitely miss out on just general contact, being near her.

Thanks though, you've definitely given me some things to think about.

I would tell her, often, that she is very special to you.

Do you feel like she's very special to you?

She's the most important thing in my life, and I'll do anything that I can to fix this. I hate the fact it's been upsetting her and I've not done anything to change it yet.

Does she understand that you're autistic?

Do you tell her, often, that she's special to you? And that you want a permanent, perhaps lifelong, relationship with her?

Do you tell her how she's attractive to you? What sort of bodily features you dig about her?

What I do when I feel like I'm attracted to somebody: I kiss her fingers....each one of them. Softly.

I forgot to ask: how romantic is she towards you? Does she make you feel like you're special?

She does know that I'm autistic, and I think that's why she's been trying to just deal with it for so long instead of telling me. She didn't want to make me feel bad about how I am naturally. But we've both changed things about each other, as you do in relationships. So I know I need to learn how to do this.

I don't think I ever tell her that enough. And I need to. I need to work out the things I like most about her. And I need to start telling her things instead of just thinking them.

Thank you, you've definitely helped me

It doesn't have to be all the time, constantly.

But it's great if you can reinforce your love for her when she's going through a tough time.

Thanks

I think romance is best created by putting a person first in your life, making them a priority, and telling them why they are important to you. Focus on their qualities, rather than how they make you feel. For example, "You are such a compassionate person...", rather than "You make me feel loved". Too often I see examples of romance on television or in books, and it's all about the recipient's feelings and enlarged ego "I feel like a million dollars when I'm with you". I always laugh at that, because that isn't the point. Loving someone should be based on loving their characteristics, not loving one's own ego or sense of self, when the person is around.

I'm not saying you do this. It's just my personal rant about love and romance, and the way it's often portrayed in mass media these days.

Before sending flowers, etc., be sure what she likes. I like the idea of flowers but I get headaches from fresh cut bouquets in my home because of sensory reasons. My ex still sends me flowers and doesn't listen when I tell him that, unfortunately, the flowers give me migraines. Likewise, I don't even like chocolate ... so that would be another no. Some people don't like cuddly touch or eye contact, either. The key is to know what she likes, what is sentimental or meaningful to her, and the reasons why you think she's an incredible person. Be vulnerable around her, and share your thoughts and feelings the best you can. It's tough, but it sounds like this woman is worth it.

I'd honestly never thought about it that way, but it makes a lot of sense. I know that I'm not great at complimenting her, I'm not good under pressure and I'm really bad with words. But it's definitely something I need to work on.

Yeah, I definitely need to think of things she likes. I'm useless at that, I don't remember enough about other people. But I need to put way more effort in.

Thank you for your help, and she definitely is worth it.

When my ex sends me flowers it's frustrating. I think, "Don't you hear me?", because I've told him many times that flowers give me migraines. Either he doesn't listen, doesn't remember, or he thinks that it's more important to perpetuate stereotypical romance rituals than it is to understand me. I thank him for the sweet gesture but remind him of the migraines. Then I have to feel like an ungrateful person for telling the truth. It puts me in an awkward and uncomfortable position. If he were to send me my favourite books, or remember something unique that I enjoy, it would be much more meaningful. I feel like I know many details about his likes and interests, but he goes blank with mine.

I know the basics of what she likes and dislikes, but I'm not good with specifics. I can never pick the perfect gifts like she can, because she knows every little thing about what makes me happy. I feel awful for not remembering. I've considered making a list before but it seems ridiculous to me that I can't just remember these things about her, I should just know them. Maybe it would be worth it though.

I'm not sure if this is universal, but one of the things that (still) and always makes a huge impression on my wife is when she mentions she's interested or likes something in an off-handed way - an obscure book she loved as a kid, a very specific preference for flowers or some other small, apparently trivial detail most people (apparently) don't pay attention to. Whenever I show up with one of these (inexpensive) items or remember something minor she mentioned and try to make it happen, she's definitely more impressed than she would be by big words or expensive gifts.

You might want to do that, but please realise that gifts and tokens aren't the most important gesture. It's much nicer to have a person care. When she comes home from work / school, ask about her day. Make her tea or her favourite snack. Ask and listen when she's upset. In a relationship, it's nice when my partner takes care of me, and I take care of them. They are my priority, and I am their priority. It comes out evenly and both people feel supported with affection. If it's unbalanced and you don't feel supported, or if your partner doesn't feel supported, you need to learn each other's needs.

Re: Bender -- yes, 100%. I said that I don't like cut flowers, but lilacs and most wildflowers are always welcome. I don't like chocolate but I'd be your love for life if you brought me some butterscotch, etc.

That's the sort of thing she does for me, and I definitely need to start doing it for her. I know exactly how it makes me feel, but I still haven't got the hang of remembering the small things. I think I'm definitely going to have to start a list.