Autism and Dating After Divorce

Post Reply New Topic

I'm not dating yet (and probably won't for a long time). But I've been wondering when an appropriate time to disclose your autism is? I have ADHD and autism and don't want to waste my time dating people who are off-put by it. But I feel awkward immediately coming out with it. How do you deal with this?

Trust your instincts, hun. This could mean after 3-4 dates, on the first date(if he discloses), or whenever "feels right and comfortable"... Personally, I would wait, and not disclose straight away ....

Trust me, they already know. Men always know. It is not a state secret.

Maybe they don't have a word for it. But they are thinking "She has massive issues." Or "She seems so shy and weird!" Or "There is something really wrong with her!"

People would accuse me of being on drugs when I wasn't. They also thought "Does she have a mental illness or mental retardation of some kind?" One woman once asked my mother that, when I was out of earshot. My ex-husband would lie and say "She has brain damage from a car crash."

Point being, they already probably suspect that something is not right.

Dorky Nerd - That's in no way been my experience. I think it depends on the individual. I've had long term relationships with NT men who have never raised any issue at all, and it was I who ended the relationships. My first relationship which lasted 4 years, was very intense, and it was with an NT. He recently contacted me, and wanted to rekindle.

It's not just men that know. There was at least one study done, referenced in a talk I saw on Youtube from an excellent autistic speaker named Sarah Hendrickx, that concluded that NT's instinctively pick up on an ND person not being NT. They aren't generally able to pinpoint things down to: "That person is autistic.", but it's obvious to them that the person isn't neurotypical (without knowing about or using the phrase "neurotypical"). The conclusion of the study negates the notion that many autistic people have where they claim they can pass or easily pass as NT. They may think so, but in reality that's not the case.

I hope things are OK with you, MP. I don't recall if you mentioned that your husband (ex-husband?) has ASD? If not are you intending on seeking out men with ASD?

Way before I even knew that I have autistic traits I was in communication with a lady who was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome after her son was diagnosed with autism.
We got on well online and I was rather surprized when she said that she wanted to meet me. I mean. Rarely have anyone been interested in me that much that they wanted to actually meet me. But anyway... To me it did not matter that she had aspergers syndrome. All I wanted to know is how she was different, and how it effects her. I had already spent many many hours chatting to her online even before we became an item.
Now it happened to be that I couldn't really fathom out the differences apart from two things she experienced that I did not. I now realize that it is because I also have traits. But back then I was just puzzled.

Hmm. I never got this impression from people when I dated before. I probably just pretended really well. I was pretty successful with dating previously, but I find myself wondering if I should try to be more up-front and honest instead of "masking" as much as I tend to do.

My soon to be ex doesn't have ASD. He knows that I do, but I was diagnosed last year after we had been married for awhile. He also has ADHD.

I have no intentions of specifically seeking out ASD or non-ASD men. For me compatibility is more important.

I have attended a few support groups in NYC. I sometimes think "This has all been a huge misunderstanding. Autism doesn't really exist, does it? All these men and women seem so normal to me! How could anything be wrong with them?! It is everyone else who is crazy!"

My late wife disclosed that I had AS after we were married for 20 years! She was correct.

She often told me she would have preferred to have known when we met. She had expectations that were not met.

Now when dating I disclose it as soon as possible, both the advantages and disadvantages.

I disclosed to the very first woman I met at a bar after I was diagnosed by the aforesaid Sarah Hendrixx last Tuesday. She was very good humored about it. We sank a bottle of wine and some gin and had a snog or two. Just as delightful as before diagnosis!

Although I don’t really drink so felt absolutely dreadful the next day. We are still talking.

That said I’m a little anxious about the whole dating thing as I tend to miss subtle cues and get myself into codependent/quasi-abusive situations as the norm.

The co-dependence and quasi-abusive situations have historically been an issue for me as well. I’d really like to be better at identifying and avoiding that again.

I know how you feel. I even went as far as studying the science of deception several years ago to help with this, but inevitably you cannot interrogate/analyze your partner 24/7!

I remember someone saying something like ask the suspect person if they will do something for you that benefits you only. That was useful.

Other than that I think assertiveness really helps. If someone knows you will say no to disrespectful/unreasonable demands then maybe they’ll simply not try.

I’m only newly diagnosed so I wonder if that might change things? As I no longer have to pretend to be normal hopefully I won’t have to act along with things that aren’t right.

I think you’re right about being assertive. I had a hard time with that in the past and it’s one of my bigger goals. That, and improving my communication skills in relationships.

Yeah communication is good. I did some active listening exercises with my ex which were excellent - based on Meisner acting classes - which are perfect for learning to really pay attention and respond to people, whether in acting class or real world.

The 2:1 ratio from sales technique is useful as well.
2 ears/1 mouth = listen twice as much as you talk

I talk a lot so this one is good for me

Thanks, that’s helpful! I tend to talk a lot and my listening skills aren’t the best.