Who can afford to be angry

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So I was listening to the song "My life would suck without you" and something crossed my mind. If I look at the way my past relationships ended, it was oftentimes due to my saying various putdowns to women, and women refusing to forgive me (sometimes I would get mad at someone else and use the woman as a punching bag, other times I would get mad at the woman herself and refuse to let go of the anger). In any case, every single time this happens I would eventually say I am sorry and try to take it back but the woman won't let me. But then we have this song when the woman says "GUESS you take back what you said before". The man didn't even have to take it back -- the woman did it for him -- while in my case I was begging and pleading to take it back, and the woman won't let me. Incidentally, as far as things that "were" said, they were quite close; yes I did say things to the effect of "wanting to date anyone but her", obviously not in the words of that song, but something similarly offensive (for example, in case of one of the women I told her how I was looking forward to becoming a professor so that I could finally dump her since I would get my self esteem from professorhood -- and then, immediately after she became upset, told her I didn't mean it and that I am taking it back). But the point is that the woman in that song forgave that guy yet the women I was dating didn't want to forgive me.

And this brings me to the topic of this post. Could it be that the issue was NOT my angry outbursts but RATHER the fact that women weren't that attracted to me on the first place? I mean the woman in that song clearly says WHY she forgives him: because she feels like they belong together. So could it be that in the real life I never made women to feel that way on the first place -- and thats why they used my anger pretty much as an excuse to leave me? What do you think?

Sounds like these women had enough sense to know when to leave. If you did say what you say you said, then it probably sounded horrible to these ladies and they didn't feel safe with staying around.

Giving your heart away is always tough, but it's even harder to give it away and someone to chew it up, spit it out, and reject it.

The point is that I didn't mean what I was saying. I was simply at the moment of anger and couldn't control it. My mom told me that back when she was little girl, she would come to kindergarden and some girl would hit her; but she wasn't angry at my mom, she was angry at someone else and she would only use my mom as a punching bag. My mom understood it so she tried to be supportive and ask her what was bothering her.

Now, the point is that even though I am adult physically, I am like a little kid mentally -- and what I do is very similar to what that little girl did. Like for example, in case of my "professor" remark, what happened was that I was at a physics conference and I was really hoping that someone would help me make connections -- but that guy told me that not only he won't help me make connections but he wouldn't talk to me until the conference is over because my behavior isn't adequate and if people see him talking to me they will decide that I am not the only one inadequate but he is inadequate as well. Obviosuly I couldn't scream at that guy in the conference -- so when I came to the hotel I just sent that message to my girlfriend instead. So as you see I didn't really mean it: in fact it had nothing to do with her. I was just mad at someone else.

Anyway, here are a few things to think about:

1. Like I mentioned, my mom was probably three or four years old, and she had enough sense to forgive that girl and be supportive. Why can't adults understand what three or four year olds understand?

2. In that song that woman came back despite the abusive things she was told. Why don't the girls come back to me the same way?

3. Since I was telling those girls I was willing to try to improve and not repeat this thing any more, why weren't they willing to give me a chance to improve. I mean I am not willing to stay that way my whole life so I actually mean it I want to improve. But obviously I can't improve in a vacuum. So if one of those girls were to stay with me I would have improved.

Last edited by QFT on 24 Nov 2019, 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No I think the issue is you have a problem with putting down people you've been in relationships, and not giving any care at all as to how they feel. You don't get to just 'take things back' and things go back to how it would be if you had never said it.

Why would you tell someone you're in a relationship with that you can't wait till you can dump them and expect that to be ok?

Its not up to other people to fix you...you can't treat people like crap and expect them to want to stick around. Its up to you to work on these things, you can't expect your girlfriends to be your mother. They expect you to be equally responsible for your behavior as they are for theirs as you are two adults in a relationship...

People don't have to forgive you if you hurt them it sucks, but you cannot make someone give you second, third, fourth or more chances. Also if you have ruined multiple relationships with horrible mean comments like that then it would appear that you have not actually worked to change that behavior. Saying and doing aren't the same the same thing.

Here is an example of a relationship where I DID care about how the girl felt. So I was dating a girl with PCOS and she lost a lot of blood during her cycle, and during few months she couldn't walk and I was taking care of her. After she was no logner as sick we had a lot of fights, but I stayed with her out of pity -- I didn't want to betray her after remembering how she was so sick. Eventually our relationship ended, but when I look back at it, my main regret is that I betrayed and hurt her -- as opposed to the fact that I am single. I feel like that relationship wouldn't have been healthy for me (despite the fact that I can't find anyone else and all that) yet I feel really bad that I hurt her -- so I would take her back if ever given a chance -- not because I actually like her but because I feel bad that I hurt her.

But in case of girls "other than her", its not that way -- with most other girls it "is" mostly about me. But given her example that points in the opposite direction, maybe the issue is not that I am selfish but rather that I usually view myself as a victim. In her case I view her as a victim (because sometimes she cried) and thats why in her case I focus on how I made HER feel. But since most other women didn't cry the way she did -- thats why with most other women I view myself as a victim. Now, I remember I had that conversation with one of the girls I dated after her, and she said that she purposely avoided crying in front of me because she feels like crying in front of a man is a form of manipulation. But I really feel that IF those other girls (including her) WERE to show that they were hurt (as opposed to simply distancing away) I would have acted a lot less selfish. If a girl cries, then she is a victim -- so then I focus on her -- but if the girl distances away, then I am a victim -- so then I focus on me.

I said I would change *if* a girl gives me a chance (notice the word if). I mean what can I possibly do to change when I don't date anyone? Keep in mind: I don't have any friends either. So I can't practice on friends that I don't have. Thats probably where my anger problems come in: due to the fact that I don't have anyone to connect with, all those emotions get build up inside of me; and thats why when I finally do connect with someone, that person becomes the sole punching bag to let them out.

I realize that you might say that in case I let things out on those girls I was obviously "with" those girls at the time I let it out so why wasn't I fixed then? Well, I guess its partly because most of those relationships were long distance. And the couple of girls whom I did date in person, they didn't introduce me to their friends. I feel like I need a healthy relationship with a girl, in person, who will introduce me to her circle of friends and have me regularly hang out with them, then I will feel a lot healthier, and will change.

You would use women as punching bags? Did I read that correctly? And you wonder why they won’t take you back? If you did hit them you are lucky they didn’t have you arrested.

I never hit them or did anything else physical. I am only doing it verbally.

Punching bag is a figurative expression. It *figuratively* refers to expressing anger -- and has nothing to do with literal hitting.

What Borromeo said, but I'll elaborate since you truly don't seem to get it. I'll give you the benefit of a doubt that you don't realise what's wrong with your behaviour and attitude towards others.

1. What your mom chose to do is not setting a standard for all people in the world, each of us is free to make out own choices.

2. Why do you take some song as the gospel? It's just a song and there are as least as many about toxic relationships as about happy ones. Whether you realise it or not, this is what you're asking for: a toxic relationship where someone puts up with everything you do, even if it's harmful to them.

3. If you're at the beginning of a relationship, your behaviour would be a huge red flag for any remotely emotionally healthy woman, who would run for the hills, grateful she didn't get more emotionally invested before this side of you showed up.

You seem to think that what you did wasn't a big deal, but either intentionally or instinctively you told her one of the most hurtful things people can tell each other.

You also seem to be completely unaware of several other things: getting angry with someone else, then coming home to people you're supposed to love (be it a girlfriend, wife or kids) and taking it out on them is emotionally abusive behaviour with long term consequences for those who choose to put up with it. Personally, at least in this case, I don't buy your claim that you couldn't control yourself: you could do it just fine during the conference when you knew you had a lot to lose, but wouldn't make the same effort in a situation where you had less to lose, even if your target was completely blameless.

Your life partner isn't supposed to be your "punching bag" in any form or accept you taking out your anger and frustrations on them, it would be deeply self-destructive on their part and bad for you too, since it would reinforce your behaviours instead of addressing and hopefully fixing them. This is literally the main reason you can't maintain any relationships, either romantic or friendships.



Well, what do you base your claim that you would change on? I only see some fantasy about finding someone who would have a relationship with you, their friends becoming yours too (there's no guarantee to that either) and this would magically fix your anger issues - that go back for decades. This will never happen.

Since this is happening so often to you with people of all kind, you must realise by now you have a problem. You justify it in another post by claiming to be "a little kid", allegedly not being able to control yourself (except for situations where you have a lot to lose apparently) and by seeing yourself as a victim.

If you really want to put a stop to this, you have to take responsibility for your problems instead of blaming others or asking them to put up with your verbally and emotionally abusive behaviour. Everybody (except people with very severe mental disorders) is capable of learning self-control, but it takes patience and effort: an effort you have to be committed to. People will believe "you will change" once you do something to prove it: take an anger management class, find a good therapist (I know it's hard) and start addressing and working your way through all these issues.

Well if you're mean to people they aren't going to want to put up with you. WHo wants to stick around someone who insults them and uses them as a punching bag because they have no self management skills of their own emotions? Seems you could use to find a healthier outlet for angry/negative feelings you have, maybe therapy would be useful/maybe not. You could also try to write down your thoughts and things that are bottled up in a private journal...or sometimes what I do is I will make a ranty post just to get things out of my system and then just delete it rather than post. I know it can be hard when stuff gets bottled up, but you have to have an outlet that is not other people.

You can't wait for other people to make changes you know you should make, and I am sure theres a part of you quite aware that you cannot use people as punching bags even if it is difficult not to. I mean you can't like hold things over peoples heads 'I will change but first I need a girlfriend and for her to introduce me to her friends and only then will I work on this'...is not a good attitude. You should work on yourself for you, and then people could be more willing to want to interact with you. I mean I am sure you would feel better if you found better ways of letting out those pent up feelings...regardless of your girlfriend/friends situation.

That sounds like a good idea actually. Well, I am not the type to delete something I put lots of time into -- thats why I have so many lengthy posts (as you can see if you look through my posts). But maybe I can try an intermediate version -- instead of "either" deletting it "or" posting it, I can email them to myself -- as in "I probably shouldn't post it -- but in case I ever change my mind and decided to post it, I already have it". Something to this effect. I guess, to be honest, I only did that a couple of times -- the vast majority of times I posted it right then and there -- but maybe I should start doing it more often.

But I realize different people are different, so I guess if you are the type to delete it, I understand.

See how you suggested I "can" try and change in this paragraph. So the question is: why don't girls see it this way. They act like there is no way for me to change -- and the fact that they are so sure about it is ultimately what discourages me from trying.

People will believe you if you offer them something concrete, not just words. Keep in mind that women hear "I will change" from men who behave badly all the time without any actual change, they have reasons to be wary of such promises. Also, many have equally good reasons to be afraid of angry men, why would they take the risk?

What's stopping you from trying to start such changes anyway (sweetleaf made some good suggestions)? If you make progress you won't have this problem (trying to convince people) anymore

I will. Temper tantrums is only part of the problem. The other part of the problem is that most of the time women don't approach me to begin with. So when women don't approach me, the tantrum is a moot point. But then, after waiting for months for a woman and she comes along -- then I throw a tantrum which ruins everything. So I guess what I have to do is to *hope* that sweetleafs suggestion stops my tantrums (which I can't really test since nobody talks to me), wait for another several months for a woman to come along -- and then see if I will be lucky enough not to throw a tantrum when she does -- keeping in mind that all those months I am waiting I keep getting more and more frustrated.

I guess the other thing I should change is my hygine -- since that is probably what keeps women from approaching me. Well, I *did* change the part about taking a shower: few years ago I was unaware that when I don't take a shower others can smell it. When I finally became aware of it I start taking a shower. I guess the next thing on the list - which I didn't fix -- is my hair style. My hair is naturally messy. I remember I actually asked a hairdresser what to do few years ago and she put a gel on my hair, but it felt like a glue and I felt like it was unhealthy for my hair since I am losing hair anyway maybe I will lose it even more if I put that unhealthy glue on it. So I guess I need some healthy tips to keep my hair neat.

But, last but not least, what if I do all that to my hair. Would people "still" not talk to me since they already see me this way since I lived in this place for too long. Am I supposed to wait until I finally graduate and move elsewhere -- and then hope I won't screw it up in some other way?

If I understand correctly, you're isolated and don't have much human contact, anger and frustrations keep building up and then they just blow up in the face of the first person you interact with?

The other things are also good ideas, but the most important thing Sweetleaf suggested was to find a healthy outlet for your anger and frustration. That would help with things building up over months too