How many Asperger/autistic people are in a relationship?
How many Asperger/autistic people are in a relationship, especially with non-autistic (NT), and how do they keep with you?
I have Asperger Syndrome and I'm a man I wonder how many autistic are in relationship both traditional or gay relationship?
I think for a woman with AS are in a better situation because it's the man expected to do first move, and initiating interpersonal relationship is not a thing that we autistics are good at
Wherever you're teen adult or senior I would glad for you insight do you had any girlfriend or boyfriend do you consider marriage and stuff like that?
dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan
I'm a female, age 26, who has never been in a relationship in her life. Never even had anyone who's met me in person show any romantic interest in me. But I'm a nonromantic asexual - maybe the fact that I've never been seeking a relationship means I don't count.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
My ASD son, 22, has a fairly serious girlfriend who is also ASD. The ASD is one of the many things they bonded over. They started as friends which lasted nearly a year before they awkwardly admitted they had crushes on each other.
My son had dated NT women before that, with the women making it beyond obvious they were interested (things like crossing a room to lay her head in his lap) before he made any moves . Anything less than super obvious he wrote off in his mind as something else. Having observed a few of these "something else's," I think he could have dated a lot more than he did. He comes across as creative, smart, interesting and happy, all of which could be why some girls seemed to like him. Those relationships fell apart over the communication issues, so with his current girlfriend they are on a "complete honestly" "just say it" agreement - not something that many NT women could stomach.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
I'm married to an NT woman. We've been a couple for 20 years, and friends for over 30 years. I think it helped me a lot that we were friends for so long prior to getting into a relationship, because I felt comfortable with her. She's surely had to put up with way more problems than she expected from me - before I found out I have AS, we were on the brink of divorce - but so far we have stayed together and things are becoming better now that we have more understanding.
i was in a three+ year relationship once. with an NT. not anymore
that was my only real relationship. i'm trying to stay friends but it's just not working out. too painful.
sometimes i think a relationship with another aspie girl (i'm male) would be my best fit, until i realize there's as much variations in important traits within the spectrum as without, and even my own autistic traits cause me frustration...dealing with those of others would probably drive me up the wall
so i don't know. i have left my house every single day, weekends and holidays for nearly two years and i have yet to meet a single autistic woman. at times it's very tempting to believe they only exist on the internet or in the minds of well-meaning older women who seem to sympathize with my loneliness
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הייתי צוללת עכשיו למים
הכי, הכי עמוקים
לא לשמוע כלום
לא לדעת כלום
וזה הכל אהובי, זה הכל.
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,709
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
Me & my current girlfriend are both on the spectrum & have been living together over 7 years now. We would of gotten married but we're both disabled & it'll screw up benefits. We both have various physical & mental disabilities we're dealing with besides Aspergers which can make our relationship very difficult sometimes. We both feel the other deserves better than us & we both take relationships very seriously so we're committed to making things work.
_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
I have never been in a relationship before and don't know if I ever will. I already get easily overwhelmed by doing simple things others can do like going to grocery stores or talking on the phone, I don't own a house, can't drive, so honestly at the moment my options look pretty small. Even if there was someone interested I probably wouldn't be able to tell anyway unless they just flat out told me.
I also struggle forming connections and recognizing connections to people so there's that as well. I wish I had a feeling of connection and a relationship but I don't know if it will happen or not.
_________________
Autism is a disorder not a personality trait!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."
I've been in a long-term relationship for many years, engaged with a child.
We were friends at first, and I told her from the off about me and who I am. She was unfazed. In hindsight, she would've been annoyed if I didn't tell her about my Asperger's when I did, and would've simply thought I was being deliberately awkward and irritating.
She used to be puzzled with how I'm loving and gregarious with her, but am the complete opposite around others, especially new people we meet.
Because of how I can appear very self-reliant and confident at times, she can often forget how I still might experience a sensory overload in the shops, but power through it, or find difficulty sorting out the volume and tone of my voice when I'm speaking to her.
I've also had issues with bottling up my emotions and needs, but have learnt the fine balance between being honest and open to her, to just simply spelling out everything that is on my mind at once!
There have been times where our relationship almost finished, due to my behaviour and old ways, which I have managed to grow out of.
But we compromise, we work through each issue and obstacle we face, and through our means of honesty and communication, we make what we have work.
_________________
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."
"And I've embraced the calamity, with a detachment and a passive disinterest."
"I hear voices...But I ignore them and just carry on killing."
I was married but am currently going through a divorce. We were together for almost four years.
Before that, I was engaged to someone and we were together for five years. It wasn't a healthy relationship and we weren't right for each other but made it work because we had two children.
These are the only long term relationships I've been in so far, the rest were casual relationships or lasted less than a year... I'd say the average length of time was three months.
I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like so I'm going to remain single and work on stuff. I imagine I'll eventually settle into something healthy and loving but I'm much more focused on my career and kids.
_________________
The phone ping from a pillow fort in a corn maze
I don't have a horse in your war games
I don't even really like horses
I like wild orchids and neighbors with wide orbits
I'm assuming my wife is NT. We've been married 18 years. She's very tolerant of my need for a large amount of solitary time as she values a larger amount of solitary time than any other NT I've known. Also, my wife isn't needy.
She's not offended easily by things I might say, but she does tell me if they offend her; more often she tells me that something I've said would most likely offend other people and then she tells me why. I'm guessing that in an ASD/NT relationship I'm probably not the only one whose NT partner also serves as a social interpreter/coach.
I consider myself to be very fortunate because I've often thought/said that I wouldn't be compatible with what I consider to be a typical NT woman and frankly, I wouldn't want to be.
I have been married for 21 years. My wife is non-AS, but is BP, so not exactly NT.
All relationships require constant communication, patience and compromise. This is especially true when AS and BP are concerned. I think we are fortunate to have met each other after we were both in some failed relationships. We learned good lessons from those failures and went into our current relationship with a better understanding of how to make things work.
I really didn't think marriage would ever be right for me, and I was initially skeptical that things would work out between us when we started seeing each other. We kept trying different prescriptions to get her BP under control, and nothing was working, which made her moods volatile. I wasn't coping very well with it, and we seemed doomed to crash and burn.
That didn't stop her from asking me to marry her, though. I don't know why, but she liked me despite my many flaws. I kept telling her "maybe, let me think about it" and she kept asking.
Then we tried her on Wellbutrin, and it was a catastrophe. It made her permanently enraged, unable to sleep, and borderline abusive. It took us about a month to figure out it was the Wellbutrin doing it, deal with her psych doc, get her tapered off it, and onto another psych med which worked much better.
Afterwards I looked back at the month of hell, and reflected that we made it through with the relationship intact. It was by far the worst month of the relationship, and it seemed unlikely that we would ever experience anything like it in the future. We had passed a major stress-test.
Aside from that, we were more compatible than anyone I'd ever been with before. We had certain shared experiences, attitudes and values which seem extremely rare. And she loved me.
So the next time she asked if I would marry her, I said yes. That month of hell gave me the confidence that our relationship would last, whatever might come. We still work hard at it, 21 years later, discussing things and coming to mutual agreements, but we are still very much in love and the relationship is strong. I stopped wondering years ago if it would last. I know that as long as we do our due diligence at maintaining the relationship, it will remain.
AugustD
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 23 Oct 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 69
Location: Wellington - New Zealand
I divorced after 25 year in my first marriage. We drifted apart.
After that I met an NT woman I fell madly in love with, which was mutual. Another 11 years onwards (8 years ago) I became badly depressed due to a number of reasons. Another 4 years later I had this mind blowing eye opener that my wife was an alcoholic. My depression got worse. I developed ideas how to commit suicide, but I was too chicken to perform it. Another 18 months later I couldn't bear it anymore and left my wife. From that point on my crisis started: living on my own; dysfunctional at work; made redundant; involuntary early retirement; moving from one place to another.
After 4 years I found an apartment at 5 minutes drive from my estranged wife. We started doing things together. At present I stay over at her place during the weekends. I no longer try to change her bad habits of smoking and boozing. My depression has come to an end; my delta muscle is no longer hard as concrete and I enjoy life again.
It's only two months ago that I had another mind blowing eye opener: I'm an Aspie.
On hind sight my black-and-white behaviour was the root of all this misery. But since I have accepted the current situation, I'm a happy chappie again.
_________________
When I joined this forum I expected to find similar souls. What a disappointment to come across so many idiots. I'm out
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,709
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
All relationships require constant communication, patience and compromise. This is especially true when AS and BP are concerned. I think we are fortunate to have met each other after we were both in some failed relationships. We learned good lessons from those failures and went into our current relationship with a better understanding of how to make things work.
I really didn't think marriage would ever be right for me, and I was initially skeptical that things would work out between us when we started seeing each other. We kept trying different prescriptions to get her BP under control, and nothing was working, which made her moods volatile. I wasn't coping very well with it, and we seemed doomed to crash and burn.
That didn't stop her from asking me to marry her, though. I don't know why, but she liked me despite my many flaws. I kept telling her "maybe, let me think about it" and she kept asking.
Then we tried her on Wellbutrin, and it was a catastrophe. It made her permanently enraged, unable to sleep, and borderline abusive. It took us about a month to figure out it was the Wellbutrin doing it, deal with her psych doc, get her tapered off it, and onto another psych med which worked much better.
Afterwards I looked back at the month of hell, and reflected that we made it through with the relationship intact. It was by far the worst month of the relationship, and it seemed unlikely that we would ever experience anything like it in the future. We had passed a major stress-test.
Aside from that, we were more compatible than anyone I'd ever been with before. We had certain shared experiences, attitudes and values which seem extremely rare. And she loved me.
So the next time she asked if I would marry her, I said yes. That month of hell gave me the confidence that our relationship would last, whatever might come. We still work hard at it, 21 years later, discussing things and coming to mutual agreements, but we are still very much in love and the relationship is strong. I stopped wondering years ago if it would last. I know that as long as we do our due diligence at maintaining the relationship, it will remain.
_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
Although all my social relationships have been problematic throughout my life, my romantic life has been crazy dysfunctional. I started writing details and realized I could write a book on the subject, so I'll keep it simple. I did get married at age 40 and my wife is BP. I realize now this problematic choice might have been much better than I knew, since she is able to accept my issues better than most NTs would. I spent a long time romantically dysfunctional. It was like an extended childhood that was getting me ready for my delayed adult life. The end came when this life started to crumble around me. Friends got married, mother got Alzheimer's (father long gone), siblings scattered like cockroaches to avoid dealing with mother and then I suddenly and dramatically hit emotional puberty at age 36 . Can't say things went smoothly after that, but I finally started to find new ways of meeting people and have reasonably functional relationships.
_________________
ND: 123/200, NT: 93/200, Aspie/NT results, AQ: 34
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