Girls dad disapproved of me because of my Asperger

Post Reply New Topic

Few months ago, a girl who is half Sephardic Jew and quarter African messaged me on a Christian dating site (no, its not the brown girl I am talking about in the other thread -- the brown girl in the other thread came this December, but now I am talking about the girl that came in September). Now, I am not interested in dating colored people, but I have nothing against being friends with them and, since nobody else was talking to me, and she messaged me, I decided why not, so I wrote back (I wouldn't have messaged her if she didn't message me first, though). In her first message she asked me some religious question that sounded really obscure and used a certain term I never heard of, so this drew my attention and made me want to respond. In any case, I avoided telling her anything about my dating preferences, since I figured it is never too late to tell her, so why not tell her later. So we messaged back and forth for a while, and then she gave me a number and I called her. And then we talked on the phone for few hours.

It actually went really fast: we were talking on the phone for few hours in the evening of that same day when she messaged me. I told her I had Asperger during that phone conversation -- and no, my Asperger didn't bother her -- although it began to bother her the next day when her dad said something (which is a point I am trying to make). In any case, during the phone conversation when I talked about Asperger -- and when she was perfectly fine with it -- she recommended me to put some products on my hair (since I told her that my messy hair is part of it) and she told me she will text me what they are. We also talked about religion a lot as well (it was Christian dating site). But then, at some point, she asked me why is my profile still up and why am I still logging on. I told her it was because I was talking to some other girl -- but I told her I am talking to her only as friends, she is just someone interesting to talk to (yes that other girl was real, but she was White so if she were to agree to date me I would -- but she said she was taking it slow and then she was messaging me only once in several days; so when I was logging on it certainly wasn't just for her, it was for other girls too, and yes I did want to do it so that I could date someone). But I didn't tell her that, I said I was ready to commit to her, I was only logging on for that other girl just as friends. Yes I know it was a really stupid move -- especially since I know myself and I know that I would have an *incredibly* hard time ending it with someone since I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. So I guess I was just trying to alleviate my loneliness at the moment thats why I said it. In any case, she didn't tell me to get rid of my profile but instead she just made a third-person statement that "normally" she tries to see whether or not guys would stop logging in to see how serious they are.

Anyway, I let the subject change, so we talked about other things and yes she stayed on the phone for another half an hour or an hour. But it stayed on the back of my mind whether she would again mention my having to close my account and what should I do in that case, should I create a new account and, if so, what would I do with the picture to make it hard to recognize that its the same person, or should I just put one of the other states I used to live on? Those types of questions basically. So next day I decided that, in order to make it easier for myself to end it, maybe I should let her know that her skin color bothers me without actually ending it because of it. But I felt really bad saying it to her since I didn't want to hurt her feelings. So the best thing I could come up with -- in order to hurt her feelings as little as possible -- was "you would have been perfect for me, if only you were White". So then she sent me a text message where she listed the names of hair products that we talked about and then added "and farewell". So I felt kind of sad about "farewell", so I said "maybe I should date you after all, because of your other great qualities" (and told her what they are) although I knew it would have been a pity-dating type of thing. She actually agreed to consider it. Then she asked me some questions about my Jewish heritage (like I mentioned she is half Sephardic Jew so we have this in common) and then she asked me some physics questions (no she doesn't know any physics, she was just trying to have a conversation) and then we were going to talk that evening.

Then in the beginning of the conversation that evening she tried to ask me more about physics, which I answered, but she sound uneasy and hasitant. Then after uncomfortable pause she said "before we can continue talking, can I ask you something just to get it out of the way, so we can talk" I said "yes, what is it" she asked "would you like to be just friends", and I said "why is that" (just in case it is something other than the obvious). She said "because you don't feel comfortable with the color of my skin" and I said "like I said you have all those other great qualities, so I am torn" and I basically told her I was willing to change my general preferences just because of her. So then she said yes she was willing to talk about it -- and she started asking me some questions that sounded like an interview type of questions. Now, one of the things I mentioned to her is that the reason it is concern for me to date women of color is because the future kids would be colored as well, so it wouldn't feel like they are my kids. So she "did" talk to me about future kids, and she even told me that if we were to have more than one kid she would anticipate come of them to have lighter skin and some of them darker. She also was asking me questions what faith I want to raise our future kids. Like I mentioned she is sephardic Jew, but she didn't practice Jewish things up till now while I was (I am combining Judaism with Christianity) -- although she was willing to consider doing it (but its harder for her since she is Catholic and Messianics are mostly Protestants). But in any case, since she talked about future kids and how we would raise them, it sort of indicated that she was still considering dating me. Then she asked other questions that sounded random. Like one was "have you ever told a lie" and I told her how I regularly lie to my mom. There were several other ones that I don't remember (it was few months ago).

The one thing she asked me that really bothers me is whether or not I am capable of falling in love because apparently she read/heard somewhere that people with Asperger aren't. This was surprising since I thought the whole issue was about her skin color but now it turns out it is about Asperger. So I told her that I am capable of falling in love -- and then I brought up other girls that asked the same question and I told her how I am pissed off at them. In any case, as you will see below, in the evening *next* day she told me that her dad disapproved of me due to my Asperger. Now, I never asked her whether her conversation with her dad happened before the above conversation between me and her or after. But I was making several assertions based on the assumption that her conversation with her dad happened after the above conversation -- and she never corrected that assumption of mine (although she corrected other things) -- so I guess I can assume she talked about Asperger to her dad after this conversation, in which case it was her own concern rather than her dad's, but I can't know it for sure.

In any case, after I told her that yes I can feel in love, she then asked me for examples of how I feel love. Now I had a cat when I was little back in Russia and when I express affection to women I am dating I am often comparing them to cats. For example, when I date the girls I call them "softy", but I also call cats "softy" as well. Also there was a girl whom I dated for two years (she broke up with me 5 years prior my meeting the girl I am talking about now), and I told her that she "melts" when she says "awwww" but I also used the term "cat melts" to refer to cat purring. I kept telling various girls that it is degrading to cats to compare them to dogs; cats should be compared to humans, not dogs, and, in fact, in many ways cats are softer and more caring than humans. Me and that girl whom I dated two years before I talked to her used to play what we call "softy game" when each of us would try to persuade the other person that the other person is a "bigger softy". One thing she never challenged was the ultimate assertion that similarity to cats would make one a bigger softy. For example, she made a sound and it was hard to tell if its meaw or not so I told her "see you just said meaw" and she said "no I didn't" and I said "yes you did" so she said "if you want me to admit to saying meaw then you will have to admit that you told me the other day you are a bigger softy". Or the other example was when I was renting a room and the landlord had two cats and that was at the time when I was dating that girl, so I would skype with her and pet cats in front of skype. There was one time when a cat wanted to go and was meawing by the door, but I wouldn't open it. Then it stood on two of its back paws and tried to open it himself and I sat on the floor in front of the door to prevent him from opening it and took that laptop with me so she saw it. But you see I also call cats "she" rather than "he" because they are so soft its hard to believe that they can be a he. So I presented that cat to her as a "she". So she kept telling me "please let her go" and I said "but she is really soft" and she said "but she really needs to go" and then I said "not letting her go feels the same as not letting you off of skype when you have to go" (we had that tradition that she wanted me to be the last one to say bye before she ends the skype conversation, and I wouldn't say it since I wanted to tell her a bit longer, and she would say "but I have to go" and I would say "but you are really soft" and she would say "but I really have to go" -- thats why doing it with a cat in front of her really felt good since it emphasized her comparison to a cat). There was also a time when she suggested that I give tuna to those cats to make them soft, so I bought tuna specifically to them and it worked. And then I told her that next time I visit her (we were at a long distance relatioship) I would bring tuna to her place and feed her tuna so that she melts just like the cats did. She told me she only eats local produce so she wouldn't eat tuna. I told her that I will hug her with one hand and spoon-feed her tuna with the other hand, me giving her a hug would make her melt, so her cat-nature will come out, and then she wouldn't be able to resist but eat tuna, and this would make her melt even more. I didn't carry it out during my next visit to her by the way but I liked talking about it. I also sent her a card with a cat for her birthday as well -- and told her that cat is her.

In any case, that was the girl five years prior me talking to her. I don't remember how much of this I told the girl I am writing about right now. I am sure I told her a few of those examples and skipped others. When I first told her I like cats, she told me she likes cats too and she sent me some photos of her own cat. She actually said it was a good thing that I like cats because a lot of guys don't. However, I don't remember if she still thought it was good after I gave her those examples, but she didn't indicate she didn't like it. She did, however, ended up being turned off by the cat thing -- but that was after I told her the next day how I was giving cat-cards a birthday cake which made her worry I would do that to the real cat. So I have no idea whether or not things I said prior to that made her worry. In any case, this conversatoin was in the evening, and my impression was that she was still considering dating me after that.

Next morning I told her that I have five cat-cards, two big ones symbolize two of my ex-s (and I told her which symbolizes which) and the three small ones are just cats. I put blankets and pillows into one of the plastic boxes, and put the "cats" on those boxes and pillows to "make them feel comfortable" and it was that way for three years now. One of these two ex-s has a birthday on Nov 5, the other one has birthday on Nov 9. So on Nov 5 I bought a big pie for them and put candles on that pie -- that was a lot of candles since I decided to put the number of candles that would correspond to the age these ex-s became -- which they do in Russia for little kids (I mean if someone is 5 year old then putting 5 candles isn't a big deal) but I decided to do it for my ex-s despite them being adults, so much of the pie was burned -- but no it didn't start any fire, I made sure it didn't. I then got them to "eat" the part of the pie that didn't burn. Since they can't really reach out to it, I put some parts of cream on their mouth, and then I took crust, broke it into several pieces and threw them next to the places the cats were sitting. Since there are a lot more pieces than I can count, I can't really "disprove" the assertion that they ate some of them, so I can make the "best case scenario" that they did. Over subsequent several days, I would cut a slice of a cake and eat it myself, throw some more pieces "to the cats", eat some of the pieces that became too dry, etc. So by the time I eventually ate all of it (including those little pieces I gave the "cats") I told myself cats still ate some of those pieces which was enough for them since they are so small.

In any case, when I sent her that text message explaining all this, she told me she has some cat-cards herself that she will show in the eventing that day (it was morning at the time) and ended the conversation. Then, in the middle of a day she was wondering if I had up-to-date photos, so she asked me to take a selfie, which I did. She told me I look like her uncle. She later told me that her uncle was gay and was murdered by his boyfriend.

In any case, in the evening we talked on the phone at the time we have scheduled, and it happened that I decided to take a day-long hiking trip by myself, so I was waiting for an uber to take me across the mountain back to the place where I can take a bus back home. When I was waiting for an uber she asked me where I live and I told her I live at the dorm but I am considering renting a room for next year because I don't get along with my roommates, she asked me in waht way I don't get along, and I talked some more about my Asperger. Apart from that, I told her that I pay 550 dollars a month for the rent at the dorm, and somebody told me I can pay 300-something a month if I rent a room off-campus, but when I look at the rents I can't really find anything much less than 500 so I am not sure about what they told me. Then she asked me how I was doing financially. And I told her that I took out a loan when I started graduate school because they told me they didn't know whether or not I will be able to be a TA (teaching assistant -- a common job for grad students where they get paid for helping the teachers). But then it turned out I did get the TA-ship, so I had "more" money than I needed -- but then I spent both TA-ship and the loan anyway, and now I have to pay back that loan. Well, I still have more money from TA-ship every semester, but I need that money for a living which I can't use to pay back that loan (no I didn't ask her for any help, I simply told her what my situation is since she asked; plus I need somebody to talk to about the things that stress me out).

So then uber came when I told her that, and it took around 10 minutes for uber to take me to the nearest place in town where I can take a bus. But I didn't know where the bus stop was so I didn't order uber to take me to the bus stop, I ordered it to take me to Starbucks (which it can search address of) and I was going to walk from there to bus by myself. Anyway, I was walking back and forth outside the starbucks and texting her, and she told me that her cat tried to drink coffee that she had to take away from him. I told her that she should try to give cat coffee: it would be interesting to see whether or not the cat will be hyper if he drinks it, and exactly how hyper. She kept telling me that she wouldn't do it, and I kept insisting that she does. I finally gave up.

Then after really brief conversation about something else she told me she should let me go so that I could find the bus stop. And I told her that talking while I am on the way somewhere is the best time to talk since that is when I am not busy. She then said she wanted to send me the photos of cat-cards that she told me in the morning that day, so she needed to end the conversation so that she can send them to me. Quite frankly I don't really care about those types of cat cards: my own cat-cards hold some meaning to me, hers don't. In her case, the real cat she was sending me was far more meaningful. But in any case I decided to be polite and let her do it. Now when I think of cats I think of softness and snuggling, but the cat photos she sent me were a bit funny ones, like one of the cats had tongue stick out, and so forth. But when she asked me whether I like them I said I do and in fact I said "they look really soft" -- since that is how I talk about the cats I like -- even though no, they didn't look "soft", which is precisely why I didn't like them. Then, even though she was already done sending me those photos, she still had to go.

Then, when I got home that evening, I saw her online yet I didn't receive any message from her. So I asked her whether it was because she was unhappy about the answers I gave her to her questions the previosu night and, if so, why didn't she tell me this right away. She then told me that it was because she talked to her parents and her dad disapproved of me because of my Asperger. Then I got really angry, but I guess she misread me, she said she thought I was crying in my response to her -- but see how I would be, I don't cry when I am angry. My only theory as to how I might have sounded that way is if -- before she told me about her dad -- I was assuming it was a race thing, in which case I would feel bad for hurting her feelings (and yes, this kind of thing 'might' make me want to cry, although still not likely). But the moment she told me it wasn't about race but rather it was about the fact that her dad disapproved of me, then no I didn't want to cry any more.

But in any case, when she asked me whether I was crying I didn't say either yes or no, I just let her think whatever she would decide. However, since I was angry, I told her "people like your dad is the reason why I have to settle on (n-word) like you, since nobody else wants to date me". Since she knew I said it because I was upset, she ignored that comment (although she brought it back up two hours later). Instead, she told me that she is sorry that she told her dad I have Asperger since she heard that I wanted to cry. This statement actually upset me even more, because it implied that she is not allowed to go against her dad's opinion, which is the same type of phenomenon as people aren't willing to go against their friends opinions -- which is what keeps unpopular people unpopular. In any case, I told her "if you didn't tell your dad about my Asperger then I would have told him myself, I tell everyone this; but thats not the point, the point is why should people judge me by my label when they don't even know me -- like your dad he didn't even meet me, he just heard the word and came to this conclusion".

Then she said "would you be able to take care of me though". Now, what I *should have* said is "why does he decide I can't take care of you just because of my label". But since I am bad in thinking on my feet, I didn't say this. Instead, I told her about my second ex-girlfriend whom I dated for two years and whom I taken care of when she was sick -- and then contrasted it with the way I am selfish in relationsihps when girls aren't sick -- to make it a point that if I see someone in need I would take care of them, I just usually don't see it. But thinking back I realize that this is not what I should have told her. I mean, if someone has issues with the way I *actually* behave, then yes, I should tell them this. But her dad didn't know how I behaved, he only heard a label. So this whole thing is irrelevant. The relevant question is: "why didn't he ask me how I am like instead of assuming". Talking about my actual behavior simply disracts her from the issue. But in any case, she didn't comment anything regarding what I said about my ex.

I did, however, ask "how does he know I can't take care of you based on a label" few minutes later. And then she said that one concern her dad had was financial, thats why she asked me about my finances when I was waiting for an Uber, and when I told her about my loan this only confirmed this. Then I told her I don't have to start paying off that loan until I graduate (although it adds some percents since it is unsubsidized loan) and once I do graduate I can pay it off in small portions. I also mentioned how I can use my credit card to pay off portions of the loan and then my mom will pay off a credit card. I also told her that my mom would have been willing to pay off that loan if she knew about it -- I just don't want to tell her. She told me that I should tell my mom about that loan. I said I don't want to since I don't want to explain to her how I spent it, given that I had TA-ship during the year I had that loan. She tried to persuade me to tell my mom and I kept refusing. The other thing she asked me is how am I surviving right now. I reminded her of what I said about my TA-ship. I guess she probably didn't know what it was since she didn't believe I am actually making around 1500 a month, it took like five minutes of effort to explain to her this was the case. She also asked me whether I was "sure" my loan was only 20 thousand, I said "well I don't know the exact number, whether it is 20 thousand or 22 thousand but I am sure it is a lot closer to 20 thousand than 30 thousand". Again, she sounded quite skeptical but then she eventually said "okay" (I don't know whether she believed me though).

The other thing that she mentioned is that usually she doesn't tell her parents about the people she dates this soon. But this time she told her mom the next day after she talked to me on the phone, and then her mom passed it to her dad the day later, and it all happened so fast, so she felt like it was "God's hand" as in "God speaks through people". I found it incredibly insulting because usually people mention this stuff in a positive way but here she brought it up in a negative way. And, besides, it doesn't look like Gods hand it looks like her choice. She was the one who decided to tell parents right away -- and, from her own words, she usually waits a month. As far as her mom telling her dad right away, maybe that is what always happens when her mom hears. So nothing incredible about that. So it basically boils down to the part that she chose to tell her mom early. And we both know why she chose to do that: she was concerned about my skin color comment so she wanted some outside help. I don't see "Gods hand" in any of this; it all sounds pretty logical to me. Also, what about her comment that she is sorry she told her dad when she thought I cried? If it is truly Gods hand then there is nothing to be sorry about since she didn't do it, God did. So apparently she knows that she was the one who made that choice -- yet she suddenly brings God's hand. And also I heard the line of "God speaks through people" in the past and I always found it insulting. If you read the Gospels, Jesus was preaching *against* the popular and was trying to uplift the outcasts. Yet todays Christians seem to forget about it since their statements are basically implying that the most popular is the one who is in most of God's favor since "God speaks through people". Sometimes I wonder whether this concept has common roots with "prosperity gospel" where they claim that God's blessing come in a form of riches. And I disagree with prosperity gospel as well: Jesus was rebuking the rich and uplifting the poor.

In any case, I didn't talk to her about "popularity gospel" or "prosperity gospel". The only part I told her about is that I know exactly why she told her mom a lot earlier than she usually does -- so since its clearly her choice I don't see why she says its God's hand. And I also told her about other girls that said that "God speaks through people" yet those people "God spoke through" were judging me based on a label, so maybe it wasn't God speaking through people, maybe it was their own prejudice against Asperger.

Then she said that the other thing that bothers her is that I "fantasize about cats" (and she also added that she doesn't know if it is part of Asperger or not, it is just something that worries her on its own). So I told her I don't think of cats sexually. She said that she didn't mean sexually. And I said if she didn't mean sexually then why is it wrong? She said it suggests that I am "innocent". So I asked her why is being "innocent" wrong? Then she told me that when I sent her those photos, where I was feeding paper cats a pie, it made her concerned whether I would be giving pie to the real cat -- which would be bad since cats can't disgest diary. Now that was the other instance where I told her something other than what I should. What I should have told her was that I was renting a room for a semester (few years before I talked to her) and the landlord had two cats, and I really liked them so, from certain point onward, I kept them in my room -- and it never occurred to me to give them pies. The reason I was giving pies to those paper cats is because I associated two big ones with my ex-s, and my ex-s are humans; and this made me want to give a pie to the three small ones as well, so that they wouldn't feel "left out". But I didn't tell her any of this. What I told her was "okay I wouldn't give cat a pie" -- which doesn't sound nearly as convincing as what I just said above. Then she said "but remember how you tried to persuade me to give my cat a coffee". I said "but coffee doesn't have diary" then she said that she usually has coffee with milk; then I said that I was thinking of giving cat coffee without milk. Then she said giving cat coffee without milk is a bad idea as well, so then I said okay I wouldn't do it. But here is one more thing I should have told her which I didn't. When I asked her to give her cat a coffee, it didn't happen out of the blue. It was a *response* to her telling me how she was keeping the coffee cup away from her cat, and this is what gave me an idea. One thing I am wondering about in the retrospect is whether or not she mentioned it on purpose in order to "test" me (since she already knew I told her about the pie) and so I "failed her test" by responding the way I did. But the point is that, up until she mentioned that thing about coffee cup, it never occurred to me that I should try giving cats coffee -- as evident by the fact that I never tried doing this at that appartment with two cats I used to live. But I didn't say any of these to her, all I ever said was that I wouldn't do those things.

Then at some point she asked me "well, if we date, are you going to be totally cold towards me". And I said "see you are again judging me based on my Asperger, even though you already asked me if I was capable of love and I already told you I am" then she said she wanted to see it for herself. So I said "well my ex-s said I am very affectionate and romantic" -- yes, in fact they did (that ex whom I did that cat thing with kept saying I am romantic several different times -- and I told her that) but she didn't take it seriously and still said she wanted to see it. But when I pressed her why she didn't take it seriosuly she said "well, those other girls were white weren't they". And I said "yes they were; but you are thinking more about Asperger thing, and thats where its not fair; the fact that I can be affectionate with White girls disproves the assertion that I am incapable of love due to Asperger". She reiterated that it wasn't Asperger she was concerned with but rather the racial thing. What I *should have* said, but didn't, is the following: "there are all sorts of ways that racial attitudes can show up, so why did you -- out of everything -- picked coldness, which is the exact thing that is a symptom of Asperger". And the other good question is this: "remember, the day earlier, when I thought we were going to talk about race, you suddenly asked me if I am capable of falling in love due to Asperger; so do you think Asperger makes me avoid dating everyone and then racial thing was just an excuse?" But, unfortunately, I didn't say either of this. Instead, I mentioned to her a certain girl from Saudi Arabia that went on a date with me three years prior, she put her arms around me the first time she seen me and tried to walk with me that way, but I felt really embarassed being seen walking down the street with her like that, since people would suspect I was on a date with her and she was colored -- so I told her "see, I don't have anything against affection as such; the only reason I would be cold in public is that I wouldn't want people to know I am dating someone colored" -- and then I told her that I had no problem with public display of affection with White girls I dated. Now it was a mistake that I told her this because then she used this as if it was a reason, but it wasn't her real reason. I shouldn't have been giving her anything that would disract her. I should have focused on a single issue: why would she make all those conclusions based purely on my label, even if I told her I wasn't that way with my ex-s.

Speaking of that other colored girl I mentioned to her, few minutes later she asked me how many girls I went on a date with. So I told her "there were several, too many to list" -- which is true: I mean I am not talking about that year, I am talking about my whole life. And also I am not talking about just long term relationships, I am talking about all dates, including short coffee-dates. So *of course* there are too many to list. But she seemed skeptical, as evident by the following: after I said too many to list, I told her about the three long term relationships I had, and then she said "yes and also that colored girl" and I said "well that colored girl is like the shortest date ever, I am sure there were lots of other dates besides that one" and then she asked "when was the last time you been on a date". Well, actually two years "after" that colored girl I dated a white but sickly girl for a few months, but I couldn't remember that at that moment since I am not good in thinking on the feet. So I just told her about a girl just few months prior to my conversation with her, who was trying to invite me to a different state to visit her but I objected (because she was only inviting me since she was concerned about my tantrum so she wanted to meet me right away to decide "whether its worth it") so since I kept refusing to come she broke up -- well I guess it didn't really answer her question but thats all I could remember on the spot. But still, why did she even ask me that question? It feels like she assumes that due to Asperger I am undatable.

Anyway, after those topics she went back to that comment with N-word at the beginning of that phone conversation (and I believe good hour or two has already passed between me making that comment and her bringing it back). So what happened two hours earlier is that -- in response to her telling me that her dad disapproves of me due to my Asperger -- I said "people like your dad is the reason why I have to settle on (N-word) like you since nobody else wants to date me" -- and then she ignored that comment at the time I made it, yet she brought it up two hours later after we had those other conversations. So then I told her that the reason I made that comment is because I was mad at her dad so when I am angry I say stuff I don't mean. And then she said "what about the thing you said the day prior to that, that you wouldn't date black girls". So I said "I don't feel comfortable dating black girls but I also don't feel comfortable using those words either". Then she said "but you used it". And then we sort of went in circles around this.

One of the times she said "I still think that you can find yourself a white girl" I responded "how am I supposed to be able to find any girl of any color if -- according to what your dad says -- I am undatable?" She said "I didn't say you are undatable, I am just saying we are incompatible". And I said "your dad's issue is about me (my Asperger) rather than you; so that doesn't look like we are not compatible, it looks like I am undatable, and your dad is so sure about it that he knows it even before I met you". Then at some point she said "I didn't say I don't want to date you, I said I don't want to be exclusive with you, but we can have open relationship". Then I said "well, in my book relationship is exclusive; open relationship is the same thing as not dating at all". Then at some point she suggested I look for Russian brides, and I said I wouldn't do it because it would make me feel used -- plus I am not that rich anyway. I told her I "would" be willing to date Russian women that are "already" in America, I just wouldn't want to look for the ones that are trying to use it as a tool to immigrate. I think I had to repeat this point a few times in order for her to see it.

At some point she said that in order to feel comfortable about her various concerns she wants to see what I am like in real life and, since she lives in a different state, she suggested she moves to my place to live with me for a while to see. I said no, because I have roommates and I don't think it is allowed; but, even if it were, I don't want my roommates to see that I am dating a black woman since my mom might visit and then they might share it with her and then I might lose face in front of my mom. So then she kept trying to persuade me to tell my mom I am talking to a black woman -- she said I don't have to say I am dating her but I have to at least tell her I am talking to her. I then said that if I were to meet a black woman on campus then yes I can tell my mom I am "talking" to her (there is nothing wrong in talking to blacks as long as I don't date them) but the thing is that I met her on a dating site and I don't want my mom to know I use dating sites. I then backed up that case by telling her how I don't tell my mom about White girls I talk on a dating site either and, furthermore, I talked to a couple of White girls that were also Jewish -- which would be ideal as far as my mom is concerned (both of my parents are Jewish) -- but I didn't tell my mom about them either. Both of these statements are 100% true by the way.

So then she started talking to me as to why I don't have healthy relationship with my mom and how I shouldn't keep stuff from her. And from that point onward she acted as if the issue was not her dad but rather a combination of my concerns about her race as well as my wanting to keep her from my mom. So I asked her "if its not about your dad, how come you didn't have those concerns when we talked about it yesterday". And she said "I had those concerns back then too -- I had them ever since you told me about my skin color being an issue". Then I said "but yesterday you talked about our future kids and how we would raise them". She said "I was just looking at all possibilities, it doesn't mean I didn't have this concern". I said "but you aren't talking about future kids after you talked to your dad" and she said "I talked about them today too". I actually don't remember her talking about future kids that day -- but since it didn't strike me as her lying, I guess she might have talked briefly which I forgot about since its been few months. In any case, at some point the phone ran out of battery so it got disconnected and I had to charge it. She actually thought I hanged up on her (understandably) but I clarified to her that it was the battery thing, and I presume she believed me (at least she didn't say anything that indicated otherwise). Although she didn't get my text message about it till next day since it was past midnight.

Then we had some text exchanges where she said she wanted to be friends but she was willing to consider dating in the future -- but she didn't want to talk about dating in the future until that future time comes. So I asked her why not, and she said the main reason is my relationship with my mom (which is hard to believe since she was bringing up all kinds of other stuff). Then again she suggested that I tell my mom that I am talking a black girl whom I consider dating. I again said I didn't want to lose face. So she said "you wouldn't lose face: if your mom says no then we wouldn't be dating". And I said "I will lose face by the fact that I even considered dating you".

In any case, during the last time we went around that circle she said "I wouldn't consider dating you until I hear that your mom approves of me". So then I said "so this means that you believe in parents opinion" and she said "yes parents opinion is important". But you see, a while ago she apologized on behalf of herself and her dad. Yet now she all of a sudden again said that parents opinion is important. So I called her out on it, and I asked her "if you think parents opinion is important, then it implies that your dad is the reason why we can't date -- but if so why are you brining up other things, like my mom?" She didn't respond to that. So then I got more and more agitated and kept sending her more and more angry texts. No I didn't use any N-words in those texts. The worst thing that I said was when I told her I wasn't that serious about her so I felt it was just a little inconvenience when I couldn't have her company on the way to the bus but then instead of an inconvenience it turned out such a major blow to my ego. The other thing I sent her was when I said "remember how you said that it was Gods hand that your parents made the decision so quickly; normally you hear about Gods hand bringing people together, but now you are telling me that I am so-super-horrible that God's hand is telling you not to date, specifically, me; how am I supposed to feel?" I also called her a liar for telling me that her dad is not the main reason given that she finally said parents opinion is important, so he is a main reason. Also there were few times when I sent text saying "can you respond already"? Then few hours later she told me that she was away from the phone but how that she read those texts she doesn't want me to contact her any more. Thats when I finally gave up and didn't send her any more messages, so thats how it ended.

This post is too long to read. Can you condense it? Most people aren’t going to read all that.

I read the first few sentences.

Why are you against dating “colored people?”

It’s time to update the terminology and most likely the beliefs that go with it.

That’s the longest thread in mankind history.

Here’s a tip:

Keep your posts to no more than three or four short paragraphs. Most people aren’t going to take the time to read through anything longer unless they are especially interested in the topic.

Maybe write the bare minimum in an initial thread post and add more detail as the conversation ensues.

This way you’ll get more responders than just a couple patient souls.

Too bad, she may have made you a fine wife.

One of the problems here is that you never met her in real life. [I believe I read the entire narrative and I didn't see you ever meeting her.]

Next if you had an issue dating a woman of color, than that is your issue and not hers. You should never have mentioned it to her, period. You should resolve the issue yourself and if you decide that is a major impasse, then end the relationship, preferable before it begins and takes root.

Oh that is right, you really didn't consider this to be a relationship, only an open ended friendship. Well, anyone who wrote such a long narrative definitely is in a relationship.

If you are considering getting married and having children, then it is important to realize that you would be marrying into a family. So it makes sense for her to bring her parents into the decision process if she is serious about you. And it is right for you to consult with your parents before you became serious about her. You told her that your mother might object to such a marriage because of the girls skin color. Obviously from her perspective, for this relationship to blossom, then this issue must be worked out with your mother first and foremost.

Also there is an old saying "the way a man treats his mother will tell how he will treat his spouse".

I suspect when she used the word "innocent" she probably meant the word "immature". Maybe this was spurred on by the strange discussion of love and cats.

She asked questions to determine how you were doing financially? That is a valid question. If you married then you might have to financially support not only yourself, but her and also maybe your future sons and daughters. This is definitely a question that parents ask. Rather than explain what a TA is, you should have reframed this as a JOB. That you are working earning money and when you graduate you will earn even more money.

I think you really blew it in your response about love. Sure Aspies do not express emotion properly. We feel just like other NTs except we find it difficult to express emotions such as love properly. In my case I would have probably have responded to the question in this way:


Also you seemed to become defensive when she said it is in God's Hands. I feel like she was saying that she was looking for discernment, whether you would make a good husband for her and whether God would bless your marriage.

I'm not why it matters whether or not she would have dated you; because it sounds like you didn't want to date her?

In any event, I doubt her dad's opinion had much to do with it.

If I were in her place I would have quit at this point:

I would recommend being kinder to people, especially when you are trying to win their affection early on.

You can sound very intelligent and interesting, but , then you pull a stunt like this.....

QFT are you sure the father disapproved because of your aspergers or because you are coming across racist?

You seem to lack a filter (not to mention an ability to condense your writing into one paragraph) and I wonder if your reluctance to date girls whom you refer to as "coloured" might have transferred without you realising and would be a major red flag with the girls parents

It comes across very condescending and while your private/personal dating preferences are your own business please don't publicise your racial preferences (particularly if you are Jewish ).

Why “particularly if you’re Jewish?” That’s sort of a non-sequitor.

What does “being Jewish” have to do with this?

I’m a Jewish man married to a black woman.

QFT is a Christian who has Jewish theological tendencies.

You are in a very cynical mood these days Boo. But long thread it is.

Hmmmm I think Cyberdad may mean that a person being Jewish should make them more sensitive to racism and any other forms of prejudice, having experienced it both historically and perhaps personally. QFT wasn't crazy about being Jewish either. I don't think his preferences are formed out of prejudice though.

They’re formed out of pure physical considerations, perhaps or perhaps not formed via societal considerations.

A person has a right to his/her personal preferences.

I, myself, see no difference, in and of itself, between people of all races and ethnicities.

One of the positive traits of an Aspie is:

A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.

No, you're an out and out explicit racist, OP.

Sadly, we know we live in cultures laced with the poisons of isms, the ones we know so well (racism, classism, sexism, ageism, tribalism et al). "Aspergerism" ie prejudice against AS people is in our faces everyday, yet its never succinctly named for what it is with one world. But its an ism too, and as harmful and bigoted as the others.

Until you can name something for what it is, its hard to come to grips with solutions to coping with and challenging it.

The girl's dad disapproved of you cos you were nasty to his daughter. That's all there is to it.