How do I know if I'm in love, and that he is a good guy?

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I don't know

Last edited by LauraMutima on 31 Jan 2020, 7:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you have to ask whether or not you are in love, then you are probably not in love. When you are in love, you will know it without any doubt.

Laura, I’m so sorry you deleted your post as I was unable to reply sooner, and was hoping to lend a little support. It is tough out there. I think that provided you’re not being pressured into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, there should be no rush or worry over whether it’s love, even if he’s already telling you that he feels that strongly. My advice would be to take your time in getting to know him fully. Does anyone ever truly know someone? You can be married to someone for 20/30 years and then discover they were living two separate lives. So, all you can do is try to enjoy the moments you have together, be aware of any “red flags” and expect there will be issues from time to time. Only natural. I don’t believe there’s any rhyme or reason in love. Some couples marry after a short time of knowing each other and can make it work, others might take it slow and after years of dating, travelling together etc settle down, marry, only to have it fall apart. You have to open your heart at some point, be able to let someone in and to trust them, but like I said, be aware of certain red flags ...

Here are 10 Relationship Red Flags

1. Lack of communication. These individuals find it difficult to talk about issues or express how they feel. Often, when it would seem most important to be open and honest, they distance themselves emotionally, leaving their partner hanging, or having to deal with a situation on their own. Often, whatever is “communicated” is expressed through moodiness, and sometimes the dreaded “silent treatment.”

2. Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills—taking care of themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding onto a job, and making plans for their life and future. Small crises surrounding the way they live their daily life may take up a lot of time and energy. If so, there may be little time and energy left for you and your issues. These people may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.

3. Lack of trust. When a person has difficulty being honest with himself or herself, it may be hard for them to be honest with you. Some of this behavior may not be calculated and malicious but simply a learned way or habit of coping. However, being out-and-out lied to is a no-brainer. A person who holds himself or herself unaccountable for their actions lacks integrity and lacks respect for their partner. You may feel, and rightly so, that there are a lot of “missing pieces,” so much that you don’t know or that is purposely hidden from you.

4. Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. If there is something “off" about this person that seems obvious to those who know you so well, you may need to listen to what they’re telling you. Often, in the throes of a new relationship, hearing criticism about your new “beloved” may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At the very least, hear these people out.

5. Controlling behavior. Similarly, a partner may attempt to “divide and conquer,” driving a wedge between you and other significant people in your life. They may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and who you associate with, limiting your world to allow in only what is important to them. Sometimes, they may make you choose them over significant others as an expression of "love."

6. Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship. Rather than moving forward, building on shared experiences that should be strengthening your connection, you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or anxious about where the it's heading. You may seek reassurances from your partner, but somehow these are only momentary and fleeting. As a result, you may be working double duty to keep the relationship on track while your partner contributes little.

7. A dark or secretive past. Behaviors that are suspect, illegal activities, and addictive behaviors that haven’t been resolved and continue into your relationship are obvious red flags. But you shouldn't ignore or excuse anything that strikes you as strange or makes you feel uncomfortable. (Of course, if a person has done the necessary corrective work and continues doing so for their own good and for the good of the relationship, that is a different story.)

8. Non-resolution of past relationships. These include not just intimate relationships but those with family members and friends. If a person is unable to evaluate why past relationships haven’t worked out, or consistently blames the other party for all of the problems, you can bet with a great deal of confidence that the same thing could happen with your relationship.

9. The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. Often we enter into a relationship strongly identified with our needs. The need may be that you, my partner, must do certain things for me to make me feel secure and satisfied, or that you allow me, your partner, to feel needed by fulfilling your needs. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.

10. Abusive behavior. Finally, and of course, any form of abuse, from the seemingly mild to the overtly obvious—verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

Hugs to you and hope you can move on from the past and feel safe in the present again.xx

That's a really good list Juliette.

Thanks. That means alot.xx

Lists like the above assume "perfect" people do in fact exist when they in fact actually do not. Nobody is without baggage, they do not exist. Anyone pretending to be otherwise is a liar.

I don't want a relationship. I want a giant house, white walls inside with tall ceilings, situated on a mountain, with incredible views. I want pet white Pomeranian dogs.

So MANY dating profiles claim that they want someone without baggage. Lots of those profiles also don't claim to have a lot to offer someone compared to other profiles & the person just seems very stuck up & full of themselves. I KNOW full well that I have way more than my fair share of faults & issues but I also know that i have a lot to offer the rite kinda person despite that. I never claimed to expect or even want a perfect person. In my experience anyone who acts like their sh!t don't stink is a pile of walking sh!t. I'd much rather be with someone who knows & accepts they have their faults than someone who pretends they walk on water.

How do you know you are in love?

When you want to be with the other person and don't want to be away from that person.
When you could not think of life without the other person.

How do you know if you have found a good man? Firstly, are there any? I mean... None of us are without fault, but if you meet someone who is a but lax with the areas in his life that make a difference to you in a significent way, then he may not be ideal.

Love is the most important factor as without love everything collapses, and you may not know you have fallen in love until you find yourself in the situation I wrote about a few lines above.

Laura was asking this question because every man she’d had a relationship with had turned out to be “putting on a persona”(her words). She had reached the point, that she was understandably wary, as her current boyfriend was moving fast and professing his love, when she felt wary due to men treating her badly.

Ah. Ok.

Ooh. You're up early!

In typical naïve Aspie fashion, I tended to believe that most women on dating sites were perfect because they practically said it in 80% of the profiles. This was further compounded by the fact the first site I browsed (POF) was full of crazy people who admitted they were mentally unbalanced. The incredibly stuck up attitudes from women were something to witness (and I am sure the men are no better). It never dawned on me at the time that they were lying and there was plenty of baggage hidden under the seat. I made the mistake of putting online daters on a pedestal when in reality, if they were as perfect and as interested in a relationship as they claimed they wouldn't still be single at 30+ and certainly wouldn't need to go online!

Conversely, I tended to lay my cards on the table early on. Rather than people accepting that I am very upfront and honest I realized much later that they were probably thinking "if he is sharing THIS now, I can only imagine how bad he really is". I just got really lucky because my wife had almost zero experience online dating and accepted me for who I was.

Getting back on topic, I would concur with the idea that if you have to question whether you are in love, you are not. As well, if you feel the need to "test" a person, they probably aren't the right match for you.

A list like the above should not be interpreted as an “all or nothing” proposition — it should be interpreted in the context of “the more of these signs he has, they more likely he is a Bad Guy”. As you said, everyone has baggage; some have more, some have less. It varies with each person, and even with only one person over the course of a day.