Is It Our Fault We're Alone? - My Opinion Has Changed

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A couple of months ago, I was browsing a forum filled with people like me who are experiencing significant difficulties finding a romantic partner over a prolonged period of time (NOT an incel forum), and I came across a post that posed a thought-provoking question. It asked "Is it our fault we're alone?"

Regarding my own situation, my reflexive response was yes. I thought about how I've been overweight, and how I'd let myself get obese, how I don't have my career figured out, how I've never moved out from my mother's place, how I don't have a driver's license and have never pursued one, how I spent a whole year of my life unemployed and getting high all day, how I haven't put in significant efforts to improve my social skills and how I no longer tend to put myself in situations where I can meet new people.

The answer seemed pretty clear, until I thought more deeply about it. I took my mind back to when my interest in romantic relationships began, and I began scanning my memory to see where I could assign blame to my 12, 13, 14, 15 year-old self.

At those ages, I couldn't think of any way that I warranted blame for my inability to find a romantic partner. The closest thing I could think of was my underdeveloped social skills, but my lack of social adeptness is part and parcel of autism, and something that I could scarcely blame myself for.

So I've been forced to conclude that while I've contributed to my inability to find a partner as an adult through things that I've done or haven't done, I don't think it's fundamentally my fault that I've struggled so much in this area.

When I thought that my dating problems were fundamentally my fault, I felt like I had a lot more influence over my dating success. I thought if I just did x, y and z, I'd almost certainly be able to get a girlfriend, and while I still think doing x, y and z would likely improve my chances, I'm no longer under the impression that they're a recipe to getting a girlfriend.

As I acknowledge that I probably didn't have as much of a role in orchestrating my own dating problems as I thought I did, It follows that I probably don't have as much control over fixing my dating problems as I was under the illusion that I had. It seems easier to fix something if you're under the impression that it's your fault it's not yet fixed.

So yeah, if you've noticed a change in the tone of my posts on these sorts of subjects, it's likely that this shift in perspective has contributed.

It’s nobody’s “fault,” in my opinion.

Society is partly to “blame.”

But it’s not high school in the adult world. If you realize that, you have a better chance.

I was utterly unsuccessful in high school. If we still lived under high school rules in adulthood, I would still be a virgin to this day.

You can never say it's society's fault.

The society dictates us the rules, we can't dictate the society.

- Partially it's our fault.
- Partially it's our PAST fault (not working on ourselves enough when we were young).
- Partially it's our PARENT's fault, no one really talk about this but early child/teen development is mainly parents' responsibility, especially if the child is behind their peers, many parents don't pay attentions to these stuff, they don't notice that their child is being a loner or not having enough friends. Many parents just care for schooling and grades, but not the social well being of a child.
- But mostly, it's our DNA's fault; all the above parts are like only 10%, this one is 90%.

People transcend their genes all the time.

Both my parents were good-looking, successful NTs. I turned out to be something like a “runt of the litter”—but I didn’t let that stop me.

I’m 5 inches shorter than both my father and brother.

I think you understand that getting on life on track must come first. Find a romantic partner is often a daunting effort for us. I think you would be wise to hold off on it until you have your life on track.

I agree, both my parents were degenerates and if I was anything like them I wouldn't have succeeded in anything in life, except maybe destroying myself.

But it's true that parents are sometimes (often if the kid is "different") responsible for not teaching children essential self-care and life/social skills. You see this most often with either abusive, ignorant/inadequate or over-protective parents. This can also happen to NT children who just pick up toxic or inadequate behaviours from their parents. All this stuff can be learned later on, but it takes a considerable amount of effort and time and you'll need help from others.

Because of this, I experienced a significant delay in the ability to establish relationships of any kind with other people. I've had several LTR and some short ones and only married at almost 40.

It's important to distinguish between the impact that extrinsic forces may have had on you while acknowledging your own strengths and shortcomings.

Asking myself if it's my "fault" that I'm single isn't really productive. I could place blame on myself or other people if I wanted to, but that feels counterproductive to developing myself as a healthier person. Finding blame or faults implies that I'm owed something I don't have (e.g. an apology when I end up single) but no one owes me a romantic relationship.

It does feel pretty exhausting and draining when I feel like I have to put more effort into things and work harder just to have a "normal" life because of my autism and ADHD, including romantic relationships. I sometimes wish I was "normal." But I think it's imperative not to let bitterness and resentment color our perceptions of ourselves in a way we might have a difficult time escaping. We have to work with it, not against it.

If an individual can make the right choices and take the right actions to relieve his or her loneliness, and doesn't, then it is the individual's fault.  Choosing to do nothing to improve one's situation is choosing failure -- same for giving up.  Choosing to do nothing -- or not choosing to do anything -- to "stand out" as a socially desirable person is also the individual's fault.

It is only "Society's Fault" when "Society" collectively and intentionally conspires to socially isolate the individual.  It is not "Society's Fault" if an individual is so bland, so meek, and so passive that he or she is socially invisible.

Blaming anyone or anything other than oneself is abdicating responsibility for one's loneliness when the only person who can relieve that loneliness is the lonely person.

Of course, if a person is simply incapable of doing whatever it takes to relieve his or her loneliness, then maybe that person would be better off to simply accept their life of social solitude.

Last edited by Fnord on 19 May 2020, 10:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'll try not to give you advice, since you probably feel you've received enough of that and you're not asking for any in this thread. Instead I'll comment on some things as my observations.

Things you mention that you've done or not done have value in your life entirely independent of being a recipe for finding a girlfriend:

>"I've been overweight" Losing weight improves a person's health and often improves their overall well being.
>"I don't have my career figured out" If you're able and if you have the desire to work, getting a job can also improve your life.
>"I've never moved out from my mother's place" If you want to live on your own, doing so could also improve your life.
>"I don't have a driver's license and have never pursued one" Do you need one where you live? Many people live in areas with robust public transportation and don't need a drivers license. However, if not having a drivers license limits your mobility greatly and you think you'd be able to drive a car safely, getting a license could also improve your life.
>"I spent a whole year of my life unemployed and getting high all day" Stopping the habitual use of drugs improves a person's physical, mental and emotional well being.
>"I haven't put in significant efforts to improve my social skills" If you desire to interact more with people in general, working on social skills (independent of focusing specifically on dating skills) could also improve your life.
>"I no longer tend to put myself in situations where I can meet new people." Do you want to meet new people? If so, putting yourself in situations where you can meet them could improve your life. Harder now with the virus, but hopefully that will be temporary.

Every point you make above isn't tied to romantic pursuit; they're things that even a contented asexual person could have as life goals. In short, working toward changing most if not all (depending on your needs and desires) of the points you make would improve your life regardless of your relationship situation.

Tying them together is self defeating in both the pursuit of romance and also improving one's life in general.

I have to change A (your points you make that I outline above) in order to get B (romantic relationship).
I can't get B because I haven't changed A.
Since I can't get B I don't see a reason to change A
I will neither get B nor will I change A.

Doesn't this assume a certain validity to society, though? Not to mention "bland," "meek," and "passive" are all based on the observer's point of view. Rejection by some societies can be a sign someone is living well. I have to imagine most of America would find Christ bland, meek, and passive.

Yes, let's complicate the discussion with esoteric religious sub-topics, shall we?

Just an example. I'm not Christian or otherwise religious.

It creeps me the hell out that people think this negatively about my sexuality yet refuse to EVER talk to me about it.

That s**t isn't my fault. Just puritanical nonsense.

How does this relate to the thread's subject?

Case in point, you're discussing all this without any discussion of the individual. Autistic people this, autistic people that.

I'm over it. Stop reducing our love lives to stereotypes.

I see people all the time who don't have their life on track who have romantic partners. That really makes life confusing.