Why is one gender required to provide sex and other isn’t?

Post Reply New Topic

Seems to be a double standard on wp about this.

Women shouldn’t be required to have sex to have a relationship but males as I’ve been told are required to have sex within first few dates.

Why?

I think if one person regardless of gender needs time to feel comfortable having sex then the other person if they actually care about them should be ok waiting.

I agree, that doesn't sound right. Who said this?

No one is required to have sex they don't want to be having. Period.

Where did you hear that men are required to initiate sex after a few dates? Was it from another man?

I wouldn't be surprised someone said that on here, but this type of thinking always baffles me. This view often seems to also come from people who talk about only having sex in a steady relationship, which is even more baffling as that doesn't fit doing so "after a few dates".

Naming names is against the rules.

I have anxiety and possible pstd around sex. I’m not diagnosised , nor do I plan to try to be. When the subject came up I was told if I didn’t have sex quick in dating or relationship then I won’t have a relationship.

Something thst shocked me cause I’ve always heard that for women especially sexual abused or rape victim women thst one should be patient and respectful with them, so I assumed wrongfully I guess that such would go other way too.

Maybe it’s best I can’t get dates, if I’d be pressured for sex and then rejected for not doing it fast enough.

The people on this site are full of crap sometimes, myself included. Never listen solely to anyone including me, and make up your own mind, without letting bitterness getting too much in the way.

Hmmm...

Well, I’d say the idea that anyone is required to engage in any sex act on demand is license for abuse, regardless of the sex/gender of the relevant parties.

I have very limited experience to draw upon, but what little I have goes completely the opposite way to what you’ve been told regarding having sex as early as possible.

If anything I’d be tempted to say that leaving sex for a while and developing friendship and mutual respect is the best approach to the early months of a potential relationship.

(To be honest I’d also say if at any point in the future you are dumped for wanting to move at a relaxed pace... then you’ll have avoided being entangled long-term with a person who blatantly doesn’t care about the fullness of your humanity, and you’re well shot of them.)

It’s confusing for me. Certain things like cuddling, kissing and some foreplay see, ok but intercourse causes me large amounts of anxiety. So I could see how it would be confusing to the person. Yet I’ve heard and seen in movies and shows where couple usually young teens do foreplay and guy try’s to go for sex, woman says she’s not ready and guy either is ok with it as people say he should or gets upset and is seen as a bad guy.

Society seems to paint all men as ready to have sex at moments notice. I’ve seen this like when so,e teacher sleeps with underage boys, people are like , they boys so they probably loved it what boy wouldn’t love that. Course who cares if those boys have trauma later. And maybe they weren’t wanting it really.
Anyways so it’s expected and patrayed that guys will jump on sex any chance they can. I wonder if it’s then perceived a guy not doing so isn’t interested or doesn’t find the woman attractive.

For me sexting and some foreplay is different then full on sexual intercourse.
If I was with a lady who felt uncomfortable doing forPlay I’d be patient and wait until she was as long as it wasn’t over 6 months. Maybe even then for right lady. I don’t want a sexless relationship, I understand most women won’t either, I do think with time and patience I could probably feel comfortable with it.
But maybe they right and most women won’t accept having to wait.
I did notice back when some women still messaged me a good half of them quickly went to sexting. One wanted me to come to her place in middle of night and have sex, I couldn’t do it. She stopped talking to me.

I have never encountered someone on this forum saying that silly idea.

Nobody here believes that BS.

I once had a girlfriend who said she wanted to have sex 6 times a week.

I refused to “get up” for this. Mr. Bojangles stayed asleep

If somebody uses emotional bullying to force sex, I find that somewhat akin to rape.

If I loved a woman, I would wait years until she was ready.

It should all be about mutual respect and feeling comfortable with each other.

^^ This. I don't expect anything in a relationship. Some women if they feel their partner is going too slowly will initiate sex. There is a trend now of thinking that if a woman doesn't want sex fairly quickly then the man will move on to where sex is available, I hear that even young teenage girls are pressured into giving oral sex and taking nude pictures so that they will be popular. This is outrageous and devoid of any true, caring connection.

Communication is the key here, caring enough to explore what each partner needs, believes, feels. The "norm" should be ignored and each couple should be free to create their own rules and sexual lifestyle without feeling deficient or odd, one that adds to their well being and quality of life.
One important thing though is that NT women will often be offended if the man does not try and bed her even if she would say no let's wait. Women would feel undesirable and not sexy in such a case but when the man makes a move the women will refuse, not wanting to seem "easy." It is not an easy thing for men to work out what women want at all.

Last edited by Teach51 on 03 Jul 2020, 11:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

Knowing what women want remains one of life's deep mysteries, like the search for Earth-like exoplanets.

no one should feel pressured by what their peers are doing or not doing. Communication remains the key.

Discussing banned ex-members and locked threads is against the rules.  Naming names of people who post false information is not.  So it stands to reason that the person who told you that one gender is required to provide sex and the other isn't must obviously be a banned ex-member, and no one currently extent on this website.

By extension, it also stands to reason that the idea that one gender is required to provide sex and the other isn't is worthy of being discarded as well.

SNAP!
Yes, I get anxiety around actual intercourse too: foreplay no problem... but further than that is 50/50. Sometimes it works, and is ludicrously enjoyable, sometimes my mind launches off on elaborate tangents and panics.
My current hypothesis is that men need to be in the mood too; but there’s some kind of unspoken rule that we’re not to speak of it. A Taboo, if you will
I think those TV/film scenes are just a quick, minimal effort, way to establish the moral orientation of a character, touching upon a stereotype of life... but not it’s reality.

Yeah: pseudo-biological reductionism. (There we go, i invented a big intellectual sounding phrase for it )
Take given cultures idea of the behaviour of a “real” man, assert that this is biologically determined, portray all pubescent and older men as acting that way all/most of the time. Then judge actual men when they don’t conform to the fiction, or are actively hurt by the effect of living with that fiction suffusing the society they live in.
It’s what feminists of the ‘60s originally coined the phrase “toxic masculinity” to describe: although they had a wider range of behaviour than just that pertaining to sex in mind. (toxic to men being the intended meaning o/c.)
Don’t know if I’ve got a solution too it, other than to know it’s a mythic construct, and resist the temptation to measure yourself against it.

Well, what little experience I have is that some folks won’t have patience, and some will... or will be inconsistent and display either patience or impatience on different occasions.
In general it’s probably better to not trigger anxiety and lessening of self-respect by letting yourself be pushed into something you’re not ready for by someone else’s impatience.

I’ve never done online dating/relationships by text etc, so I don’t know anything about that sort of thing myself.
I have seen it referred to as encouraging shallow and superficial behaviours by other members though.

That last one sounds hurtful, had something similar happen years ago: both confused and crestfallen after.

James Bond was never real life. In fact some of it was pretty well sexist in the way women were portrayed as little more than new conquests.