Hello,
I'm new here, so Hi to everyone. I've been in a polyamorous relationship with a man who has Aspergers. We are both in our early-fourties, he has been in a long-term relationship besides me, no children. We are both in love and infatuated with one another, meet once a week or talk, his wife knows about me. He says he is also in love with his partner and I believe him, he says he can love more than one person deeply and I think this is true. His partner and I have met briefly which was relaxed and pleasant.
I'd prefer to be with him fully but can live with this kind of arrangement. I'm not jealous, I love the time we spend, we have both the same hobby we care very much about. When I see him I can see and feel he loves and admires me and vice versa. He his sweet, honest and super smart and inspiring and sexy, too. (We have no sex, just massaging and tenderness this is a limit for his partner.)
Problem: He forgets about me when he is gone. He says he only thinks of me briefly and that time for him passes very quickly. He can easily go for ten days sometimes without hearing from me and it feels like three days to him. Also he travels a lot for his job and is quite busy, and, of course he is often with his partner. I am not lonely, I have another lover and close family nearby and and busy with my job, too. Yet whenever he is gone, he is gone. We can talk about this very well, he explains and asks me how he can adjust. So for example when he is away on vacation we made the deal that he would call once a week. Or generally would text me every couple of days. And he does that. I like it because I see how he want this to work.
But every three, four weeks I get depressed. Like, I would give him a present (before his vacation) and he will simply forget to say thank you until our scheduled call. Or I'll send him some images from my own vacation and his answers are short and not like somone who enjoys to be in touch. (He has been a more charming texter occasionally.) Or we talk and the line is bad and he'll say, I'll call you the next couple of days with a better line and then I don't hear from him for days until our next scheduled call. Despite, when we talk, I can see how he love this and enjoys himself.
We've discussed this topic often and usually he will explain that he doesnt do this out of lack of love but because he is the way he is. He will try to make adjustments, like calling at least once a week during his vacation, which helps. He says that I am very important to him and wants me to feel good and happy. This all helps, it's just that every couple of weeks there will be a string of smallish things which make me sad. Like now. For me love and wanting to be in touch are so closely tied together that is hard to see how someone can love someone and have so little drive towards them.
If I talk to him about this again, he will likely try to adjust, look for some kind of rule, but it would just be another appointment in his calender. And I can hardly ask him to be in touch more sponatously if it is not his thing. (He has sometimes done so in the past, however, so it's not like he never does this.)
Does any one have an creative solutions to this? I know that this can be part of Asperger plus of course him being more busy and me not.
Thank you for your ideas and comments in advance!!
Mika
21 Jul 2020, 4:20 pm
