Fear of settling

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I already tried settling out of desperation once. I dated and eventually got engaged to a woman I was never truly attracted to. After years of getting turned down by everyone I attempted to ask out in college, she was the only woman who was ever interested in me romantically. I started dating her out of a combination of feeling desperate and being afraid I was being shallow. After some time I got to where I felt comfortable in the relationship, despite part me feeling unsatisfied. I later found out that she had been abusing me emotionally the entire time, and when we broke up I had nobody left to turn to because she had isolated me socially to the point that my social circle at that point consisted exclusively of her inner circle of friends, all of whom had turned on me. In short, this relationship turned out to be the biggest regret of my life.

Ever sense then, I've been extremely hesitant to consider dating any woman I didn't feel an immediate strong physical attraction to. I'm not saying i'm chasing after super models, but I do need to feel an attraction. There were a few women I got along with great, but I just didn't feel any attraction to. But I've also encountered women who were physically attractive, but as soon as we spoke I realized we had nothing in common. So that's important as well.

Living in the south/Bible Belt, the majority of women here just don't appeal to me because of the local culture. And the few that do fit the type I'm drawn to are almost always all taken. On the few occasion I did meet some who were single, they made it very clear they aren't interested in being anything more than friends. So I'm stuck with an ever dwindling shallow pool of available options.

This could easily have been written by me! You're not alone

If the local culture is unappealing to you, is relocation a possibility?

More difficult, but still possible, is locating a long distance partner and then working towards moving closer together geographically.

Best of luck

Question: How old are you?

It's good that you broke up from your last relationship. Attraction is a very important thing, especially for a long-term relationship. And it's not fair for both sides, if the physical part is not as appreciated as it should be..

So keep your eyes open

Try to date a Decepticon instead.

For a second there, I was trying to figure out when I wrote that post. You're defo not alone. It seems like we went through almost exactly the same thing. I'm from the South, too. Life hasn't been kind! lol

First of all, here's the old cliche: It gets better. It really does.

Now...you are free to pursue whoever you want. They may not pursue back. You may have to give up on one or another, but you are free to at least try.

Don't be ashamed to limit yourself to women you find physically attractive. We find them physically attractive for a reason. I was with a girl for YEARS who had "a few extra pounds," and part of going for her was it was easy to do and because rejecting her seemed "shallow." The fear of being judged as shallow means you define yourself by someone else's sense of entitlement or morality--which is another way of saying "that's something ugly people say." If you want to be happy, you have to define yourself according to your own values, not someone else's. Not by society. Not by culture. You define you.

And yes, it's easy to feel isolated, like nobody else would have you. It's easy to feel that you should stay with this person because it would hurt them too much if you left. For me, I reached a point when I felt I'd rather live the rest of my life alone than be with HER one more day. What kinda sent me over the edge was another girl showed interest in me. THAT relationship didn't last very long, but it was the catalyst for moving on and trying to play the field a bit better than I had in the past.

I fell in company with girls who were having similar experiences as I was. We weren't necessarily out for a solid relationship, but rather just a little fun while we deal with problems elsewhere in our romantic lives. That's how I met my wife. I'll spare that story for now. But just remember your story is still being written. You got out...maybe a bit late, but you got out. That's a good start.

I'm 38.

We broke up in 2009. I haven't had another girlfriend sense then.

I can't afford to move. Plus I'm currently in school.

It seems that the older I get, the tougher it is to find women I like who are single. In fact, I don't believe I've met even one in the past 3 years.

All my classes are online.

Years ago, I moved to Ohio. The only reason I could relocate was that my sister and her husband had moved there and helped me move there and let me live with them until I found a job and a place to live. I ended up not finding a decent job and I couldn't keep up with my bills. And they left the country. And I ended up back here all over again.

Nevertheless I feel it was a milestone, but sometimes I do feel like I have always been single because, I have not been in a relationship with someone I was truly attracted to, it's like sometimes I do and sometimes I don't