Autism interfering with relationship

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I’ve been with my bf a year and a half. He says I just don’t always show enough emotions and that I just seem kind of robotic. He doesn’t know how to explain it but he sort of feels like it “wouldn’t matter” if he stayed or left. I wonder if I’m really destined to be alone if every relationship partner I‘ve had has always felt this way? How am I supposed to tell them they’re significant to me? I tell them they are, explain why, and it helps a little. I even struggle with this same thing with my (few) friends and family sometimes. Am I supposed to “mask” even more, am I supposed to work even harder to show people that I care about them despite how exhausting it is for me? I have a very busy work schedule (and masking at work is very hard) and have very little down time for myself to recharge. How do I make others feel significant to me?

I'm an Aspie who doesn't show a wide range of emotions & I keep things to myself alot. However I'm actually very affectionate & clingy but only within romantic relationships. I told my current girlfriend & both my exes MANY times that I love them a lot & I told them things like I'd be lost without them. I really do feel that way. I also love physical affection but only within romantic relationships so I hug my current girlfriend alot(I'm not majorly into kissing thou), pat her a bit, & hold her when I sleep a lot. I also spend a lot of time hanging out with her even if we're doing different things next to each other. I'm not romantic thou & I'm NOT creative so I never do things like poetry, play music/sing, draw, make her things, plan/setup special things ect. This seems to work fairly well with my current girlfriend but she may be on the spectrum herself, she has alot of overlapping issues & she has a brother who's been diagnosed with Aspergers since he was little so it seems quite possible that she could be on the spectrum. She does wish sometimes that I was more romantic, that I'd give her more space, & hold her less when we sleep cuz she has various pain issues & major problems sleeping. But for the most part she likes those things about me.

I'm not sure if any of that would work for you Erjoy. I just mentioned that incase it'll give you or someone else an idea they could try. That said, if your pretty busy with work & need a lot of time alone to rest, You both could be incompatible with that. You may both speak a different love language & have different needs within a relationship. I'm not saying that you should break up if that is the case. All relationships where there is mostly a balance of power involve both people making some compromises. Does your guy know that you may be on the spectrum & does he know a bit about autism If not, it may help if you talked to him about it & he learns a bit about autism. Aspie & NT couples can work. As a side note, one common complaint I heard by NT women about guys in general that they recently started dating, is that the guys quit putting in effort after a few dates & the women are left feeling like the guy doesn't really care. I'm not sure if that's the way your guy is feeling Erjoy but if it is you might could do something special with him or for him that would show you put a bit of effort into it. If you do decide to breakup, you don't necessarily have to give up on the idea of having a serious romantic relationship. You might have better luck with other guys, the kind who don't want to put in much effort & are satisfied just hanging out watching TV together, the kind of guys those NT women complain about.

Some suggestions.
I am no expert, believe me.

-Get in the habit of giving him a "peck" on the cheek, covid permitting.
-Leave him a note on a regular basis saying you appreciate him.
-Cook him his favorite meal.
-Leave him a small chocolate treat on his pillow.
-Send him a text, every now and then, saying "hi ".

Probably sounds corny, and I have never done it myself (mainly because I am over-the-top affectionate, particularly for an aspie).
Just making suggestions.

These are all great suggestions above-mentioned...
You should give these to my beloved (Aspie) husband...

I can relate very much with your partners, especially when dating spectrum people.

With this one? Do you love them? Yes you should, love takes effort and choice. You can't just one day stop giving and expect to have.

In life? No you're not supposed to. I can see how this affects you, maybe seeking partners with the same personality will help. It's okay if you cant be happy living a life of giving affection to your partner and it's okay if your partner isn't happy with the amount of affection you can share anymore. Your needs are quite opposite, and I know how hard it can be to satisfy both of you.

You have a condition, however there is choice. Think about what you want in the long run and how you can obtain it. Sometimes you can't have everything in life.

If you ask me if I knew my partners don't find it easy to do it, I have known. However I have given when I was in major physical pain and I expected the same. Possibly codependent. Instead I got cheated on with someone else. Oh so she can do it, just not with me.

I don't know your issue however it might be more than meets the eye. Maybe you should move on to someone who you find it easy to give to, especially if you used to find it easy with the person. You can only love the one whom you truly want to love, despite how hard it might be. And you both deserve someone like that.

What do you need to be able to give these things, to WANT to? you mentioned you need more time, then make more. Get part time job if you really want to work with this person. Get a shared rent to decrease expenses. Economize.

Look at the root cause. Are you lacking patience? Are you falling out? Find ways to solve the problems and get to know yourself better.

Work is too stressful? Find a job which lets you get home and give to your people instead of taking from you until you stop being present in your relationships. What do you want, this job or relationships? No one will judge, it's your choice.

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I'm sorry you struggle in relationships due to your autism...NT, here, happily married to an undiagnosed Aspie...I identify somewhat with your boyfriend's complain...At the same time, my heart bends towards you as i understand you are trying your best...Let me give you some suggestions that may prove helpful...

Please know that NTs in love NEED their partner's time and attention...QUALITY TIME is better than QUANTITY...Please allow me to illustrate...My husband and i often do errands together...These errands could take hours...Although i appreciate his help and company when doing these errands...And although i try to take advantage of this time to have meaningful conversations with him (usually these turn-out to be more like a monologue by myself )...To me, this time does not counts as quality time...By the way, having sex does not counts as quality time neither; intimacy does...There is a difference...

Quality time would be time dedicated exclusively to me without distractions...And preferably in an activity of my preference...For example, drinking tea with me, watching a sunset together, or listening to music...The key here is SHARING THE MOMENT IN TIME...(This is now possible, thanks to technology, even when you are forced to be apart)...And your time together does not has to be lengthy...15 minutes or 30 minutes would suffice as long as these moments together take place on a regular basis, ideally daily, at least weekly...This depends on your unique circumstances...Because you work so hard, perhaps your boyfriend would be willing to give you a foot message or back rub...Spending this time with you will surely count as QUALITY TIME...Plus, you also benefit...

My husband works the night-shift...And i let him sleep during the daytime as much as possible...As soon as he wakes-up, we pray together briefly...He hugs me daily for a few seconds (this is not negotiable!)...The rest of the time i try to give him as much space as possible for him to recharge...As i imagine how exhausting it must be for him to 'mask'...However, if i observe that he is dedicating all his spare time to others over the phone, i begin to resent him for it...All along i am sacrificing MY NEED for connection with him, then comes someone, anyone--usually some relative or friend...(In the past, it was someone of special interest to him who invariably showed romantic interest in him...You can imagine my despair and outrage!! !...Thank God that is now in the past, and i hope that it remains in the past)...Understandably so, i begin to feel neglected and abandoned...If this persists long enough, my resentment will build-up, and i will confront him...By which time, our marriage is in jeopardy...

However, all this trouble could and should be avoided...With small shows of affection daily, small-talk daily (if you can't initiate a conversation at least listen to him attentively), and a few extras here and there...My husband, for example, has not bought me flowers since our engagement...But, he has bought me See's chocolates--my favorite being Walnut dark chocolate nuggets...I will soon be celebrating our second wedding anniversary...Please notice i wrote "I", because on our one year anniversary, he limited himself to be a respectful observant, which i appreciate but i do wish he had been a willing participant...Thankfully, the more that i learn about autism and specifically Asperger's Syndrome, the more that i adjust my expectations of my marriage to accommodate for his autistic traits...

No, you should not be condemn to a life of loneliness...If you are willing to accommodate for your boyfriend's emotional needs...It will take extra effort from your behalf; but at the end it will totally be worthwhile...I promise you, it will...Because your boyfriend will then be more willing to accommodate you, in return...Please don't give-up...Keep trying...And best wishes to you...

^^^Great post Clueless

I had a thought that sometimes we may need to remind others of the things we do for them because we love them. Sometimes important people in our lives get hung up on the things we are not doing or the things we need from them & they may not notice or realize the various things that we do for them. I seen this happen a lot with NT couples. The woman gets upset with the guy for not being romantic or super affectionate & emotionally close with her but the guy is doing lots of various things for her that she is not aware of. The guy may change colleges or college plans in order to go to hers. If the woman has to move away for work or family & her & the guy are not married, the guy may decide to move with her even thou he is moving away from his own family & he may be leaving a job & company he really likes working at. The guy may usually hang out with his guy friends on Fridays after work but the guy starts blowing them off in order to spend Friday nights with his girlfriend. The woman is dealing with something & the guy has to be up early for a long work day & the guy stays up very late spending time with her trying to help & he goes to work the next day after getting only an hour of sleep. The guy spends the whole weekend taking care of things around the woman's house/apartment even thou he is not living there & he would normally spend his weekend relaxing. If the woman gets upset with the guy for something like him not planning a date night for a while or him not bringing her flowers & chocolates in a while, the guy may need to gently remind the woman of those things he does for her because he loves her. Different people have different ways & methods of expressing love & sometimes even NTs can lack theory of mind & they expect their partners to express love for them in the methods they like & need. If NTs would hear my girlfriend complaining about me when she is having a bad day, they would think that I don't love her. However she usually realizes that the way I am with her is very different than the way I am with everyone else in some ways. I'm a quiet person in general & I never really been close to anyone offline including my own family. I'm private, I keep to myself, & I am anti-affectionate with everyone. However I am not like that with my girlfriend. I'm still private & quiet with her but nowhere close to the extent that I am with everyone else. I'm also affectionate & spend a lot of time with her. I would not be like that with her if I did not love her & thankfully she realizes that.

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Thank you for sharing...Through your story, you reminded me--indirectly--of ALL that my beloved (Aspie) husband has done for me in such a short-time frame (less than two years married)....Because he loves me, he stopped drinking...Because he loves me, he became monogamous...(He is extremely attractive and was never short of options and opportunities in dating)...Because he loves me, he married ME...And everyday, since then, he has chosen to remain by my side...(As difficult as marriage has been for both of us due to our frequent miscommunication issues that have caused us so much conflict and heartache)...Because he loves me, he has chosen to stay with ME even though sometimes he feels like escaping...And because he loves me, even when he wants to escape, he invariably wants to escape with me, TOGETHER...So yes, i should look at the bigger picture, and not focus so much on those aspects of the relationship in which he is lacking...

By the way, you are very much like my husband in that he, too, is very private, and reserved, and unaffectionate...I am beyond grateful that he occasionally makes me an exception and includes me in his own world...

Still, i will insist on my flowers and dark chocolates... LOL...Greetings from my "locked-down" state, CA..

Off-topic:

Hadn't anyone noticed how the writing pattern on WP is so strikingly different between NT women vs Aspie women?

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???...???...???...
Would you please elaborate???...What difference???...

Keep in mind im on the autism spectrum, most likely. I think it's just the problems we have that makes it seem like that

A majority of the people who are dating autistic people may be likely to be on the spectrum themselves, as well as the relatives of the autistics on this site

Last edited by Rexi on 03 Dec 2020, 6:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.

No. Some Aspie women here do have the same sort of writing style as Clueless2017.
On Facebook and on texts I add a lot of emojis and I don't make it perfected like I do here. On here I like my posts to be more perfected and readable. After all, writing is something I enjoy and is one of the new things I am actually good at, so I might as well use that skill somewhere.

My best friend on the spectrum writes much like that too, optimistic, open-hearted and explicit in a variety of words about their experiences and feelings. He has alexithymia

I found very heartful people on the spectrum, beyond the expectations I had for people

Your writing is great, Joe ...It is obvious that you write for pleasure as i do...Though my writing is probably too formal for this site...It may be due to my legal background where the terminology is technical, specialized, and formal...In college, some of my classmates mocked me for writing so formally...Until a classmate who knew me well felt compelled to defend me and told everyone, "That is how she is as a person--not only in her writing"...Something i had not realized...Anyhow, i am trying to be more creative in my writing...And i hope it shows...

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Just for the record, i am NT without a shadow of a doubt...And i have no relatives on the spectrum...I am blessed to be married to my beloved husband who just happens to be a yet-undiagnosed Aspie...

Perhaps, your best friend and i are the same personality-type (ENFJ)...This would explain the similarities in personality that show in our writing ...I find that all humans have more similarities than differences...After all, we are one species...Please say hello to your best friend from my behalf...