Alexithymia and relationships

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I have posted here before that I once had a girlfriend who I believe was on the autism spectrum. I can recall she used to articulate her feelings about me mostly by describing physical sensations, for example describing a feeling she had as a thrill or tingling in her body when sitting next to me in my car, or one summer when we were apart she once informed me in a matter-of-fact manner that she always threw up after I would leave at the conclusion of a weekend visit. But she didn't say something "typical" such as "I'm always so upset when you leave that I don't know how many more times I can go through with it".

Would those be examples of alexithymia? If so, I can see how many on the spectrum would struggle in relationships of this condition is so common with AS. I think if you have this, then if you're in a relationship you must be aware of the problem and make a conscious effort to compensate.

Thank for this thread...I hope you get a good response from this wonderful community...

I am NT, happily married to my beloved (yet undiagnosed Aspie) husband...He is not good identifying emotions, not even his own...I have always attributed this to his autistic limitations...And lately i have been wondering if he suffers from this medical condition...

I sure hope those who suffer from it, explain to us in common term what it is like...And how those of us close to them can help...

Again, thank you for bringing-up this topic...

I do have a lot of trouble understanding (and therefore articulating) my own emotions.

I make a tremendous effort, not only to remind my SO of this difficulty, but also to make a dedicated effort to sit down and sort out my feelings and put them into words so that I can get back my SO on the initial point....

It definitely prolongs things, but I think I am getting slightly better at this process (and therefore faster).

I have always chocked this up to ASD.

I never considered the possibility it could be a comorbid condition.

Patience from loved ones is a huge help. They may not understand, but if they give me the time to sort out my emotions, then we can move forward together.

That's so interesting. I used to be like that. I had therapy and the therapist asked me to write down how I felt throughout the day. Keep a diary so that we could review it at the next session and see if we could pinpoint any triggers.

I wrote down how I was feeling physically. Not sure if that is an alexithymia thing or just because I had misunderstood what she meant by the world "felt".

But I think that doing this exercise with her over a few weeks finally got me to think of things in terms of feelings, which I didn't really do before.

I still mostly react to trying feelings with anger because unpleasant feelings are frustrating and when I'm hurt or upset I tend to feel more angry with the circumstances that don't seem fair or the fact that I misunderstood the people around me or didn't connect with them and that makes me angry more that rejected or hurt or sad.

Alexithymia isn't the same as AS. In case of alexithymia are people unaware of their emotions. In case of AS do people rarely develop them but are aware of their feelings if they do. Both conditions cause a lack of empathy regarding the ability of sharing the feelings of others.

I think I may be a lot better at feeling my feelings than I am at expressing them. I know if I am in a bad mood or feeling great but I have a hard time talking to others about it. Maybe some of that is cuz I NEVER had a close relationship with anyone growing up including my parents & I was also bullied a lot in elementary school. I tend to react to my feelings instead of discussing them with someone. When it comes to romantic relationships, I've told my current girlfriend & both my exes MANY MANY times that I love them & hate being away from them. However it is very difficult for me to tell them that they upset me. I keep it to myself & try to deal with it until I reach my breaking point & verbally snap & lash out at em. I tried counseling briefly 15 years ago & I did not like it & the expressing feelings aspect may of been some of why I disliked it. I much rather deal with my feelings by taking psych meds so things like my anxiety, OCD, & anger will not be as intense. I also try to work on myself like analyzing things & trying to figure out which things are the cause & which 1s are the effects. I try to reduce my triggers & know when I need my alone time. Like if my girlfriend is very upset about something & she is taking it out on me by getting mad at me over stuff she is normally not bothered by, I feel the urge to raise my voice & argue with her but I try to just remove myself from the situation instead like spend time in my room by myself. We may discuss what happened later when she is in a calmer mood. She talks to me about her feelings a lot & I try to listen & try to figure out ways she can can deal with the bad situation, like figure out steps she can take to improve something or if she misunderstood something. I also try to make her feel validated like her negative feelings are justified & that I would have problems too if I was in that situation.

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Thank you for sharing your story...Thank you for emphasizing the importance of giving the Aspie enough TIME to himself to sort things out...In order to do this, i must work on being more PATIENT...Sound advise i will surely follow for the betterment of my marriage to my beloved (Aspie) husband...

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Thank you for sharing your experience...It reminded me of a sad time during my courtship with he who became my beloved (Aspie) husband...One day, i complained to him...Why was he able to express and show ANGER as the only emotion... ...And usually, anger directed at me...Or at least that is how i felt...

To date, he still has that flat affect, characteristic of Autism...Occasionally, someone provokes a smile in him...Good thing, since we have been married, he is rarely angry...Though, he still struggles with depression...Now, i understand that if he seems moody and upset, he is probably sad for some reason not necessarily caused by me...So, i try not to take things so personal anymore...

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Thank you for the clarification...

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Thank you for sharing your story...It helps me better understand my Aspie husband...Greetings from CA to you and your girlfriend...Good night...