My bf is autistic and we need help with his meltdowns

Post Reply New Topic

So he just got diagnosed a few weeks ago and he is 31. People thought he just had a temper but now we are realizing he actually has been having meltdowns. I can't really talk to my family/friends about it because I feel like they will misinterpret it as a sign of him being abusive. I also rather speak to people with autism about it because I feel like sometimes experts don't always give good information, so I'm hoping someone here can help.

He has never hit me or anything like that, he only hurts himself. He bashes his head on the wall sometimes until he bleeds. He has even dented a door doing this. He will also throw things and dent them. Or sometimes just be really rough with things we have around the house and end up breaking them.

I totally get that he has these feelings he needs to get out and I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is him hurting himself or breaking things. I am not looking to stop the meltdowns. I mean that would be nice but I don't think its that realistic (correct me if I am wrong). I just want him to be able to get those feelings out in a way that isn't so self destructive but when he gets to that state I can't even talk to him. Like I tried offering him a pillow last time to hit but he just stormed out of the room and wouldn't listen and started throwing stuff.

Afterwards he feels really embarrassed and cries. He has depression too so that doesn't help. I try to tell him I understand he doesn't mean to do it but is just overwhelmed. I also try to help him get to the root of what set him off. Sometimes we can but a lot of times he has no idea which makes it harder.

I have gotten better at catching when he is getting keyed up. I think its called rumble period or something? And I just try to give him space or lower my volume. I don't know what else to do and he has been having them more and more lately. Any ideas for us please?

Hello and welcome.

Is your boyfriend interested in joining WP as well? It might be easier if he could describe how he's feeling in his own words.

In my opinion and experience, meltdowns aren't always emotional. Most of mine are caused by sensory overload from noises, smells, repetitive and annoying stimuli, or social exhaustion.

Do you know his sensory triggers?

If he is harming himself or posing a risk to others even inadvertently during meltdowns, I think his doctor needs to be involved. His GP, psychologist, or psychiatrist should be aware of this.

Most Aspies and High Functioning Autistics endure quite a bit of stress. It should almost be our middle name. Stress unless it is vented is stored. It is like filling a glass with water. When the water is almost to the top, it doesn't take much to cause it to overflows. In general, most people automatically believe that stress is an emotion. But in reality it is chemical in nature. It is cascades of hormones that are released within the body when the body is under duress. Stress unless it is vented will eventually turn into distress. One of the forms of distress is melt downs.

One book I found helpful is called "In An Unspoken Voice" by Peter A. Levine.

@throwitallaway: One of the worst things you can do is to try to "fix" your boyfriend.  He is not broken, he is not damaged, and he is not defective.  He is just different.

All you can do right now is to love him and be patient with him.  He likely has a lot to sort out, especially with his past, and being pushed into something that he does not want to do will likely trigger more meltdowns.

The diagnosis has (metaphorically) cast a different light on his memories, and dealing with the past in this new light is provoking a lot of anxiety and regret.  He is likely going through a lot of internal "coulda, shoulda, woulda" monologuing right now, so he needs someone who will patiently listen and support him without judging him, second-guessing him, or insisting that he talk it all out.

He needs a friend right now more than he needs a coach, a manager, or a therapist.

throwitallaway is not trying to fix her boyfriend. She is just trying to help him cope with his meltdowns.

To that end I will offer a bit of advice. In a panic attack, a person loses control of their heart rate and breathing and this drives their body into a panic mode. One of the techniques that Navy SEALS [a very stressful occupation] use to de-stress in 5 minutes or less is called Box Breathing.

I found this technique to be very useful. So I will describe this technique in detail and I recommend that those who are prone to panic attacks practice this technique until it becomes a second nature. And then whenever a panic attack strikes, just pull this out of your toolkit and execute it.

The first step is to sit down and close my eyes. I picture a square box. I start at one corner of the box and physically move my head and follow it up, across, down, and then across to the starting point. Now I add the timing. Three seconds on each side. I follow the edge of the box up counting to three, then across counting to three, then down counting to three and then across to the starting point counting to three. Now I add in the breathing. As I follow the line up, I take a deep breath, for 3 seconds. Then I follow the line across holding my breath for 3 seconds. Then I exhale for 3 seconds. Then I rest for 3 seconds, returning to my starting point. Now here is a really important point. It must be deep breathes. This is not nose breathing. Open your mouth wide and gulp in the air as you begin the box.

For me I have found that around three times around the box will break the rapid heart rate and return my body back to normal. The response is very quick.

i assume the relationship started off the way a typical heterosexual relationship does, anyway, how did you and him first meet?